Ramblings of a Control Freak………

Hmm…..where to begin with this post. My name is Janae and I am a huge control freak. No like seriously…..it’s scary. But this year (January to be exact) I had to learn to let go of the control. It has been a roller coaster ride between my faith in God and trying to overcome my need to hold everything together in my own strength. This has caused me to lead the most craziest, anxiety filled, stress ridden, and insanity filled life.

Truthfully I can’t pinpoint a time when all this began (well to the degree it is at the present moment). If you ask my mother I have always been a bit strong willed, forcing my will upon others and wreaking havoc on those who would not obey my will (yes 3-5 year old me was a little shhh…..). I was that child that you told “We can’t buy candy because we don’t have the money for it” and when you reached the counter she still asked for it and threw a huge fit when she knew you would say no (yes every week, Mama, Nana, Thea I am truly sorry….). Yes that was me high understanding no slack in getting my way. I would fight tooth and nail and didn’t care if I got my butt whooped or not (yep, I said it and I thank my parents for doing it). Now in my adult life this has helped to an extent but the fact of the matter: I’m freaking crazy!! (well not hospital crazy, more like functioning psychopath).

There are certain things I just won’t do because I can not control the outcome. For instance I hate casinos and gambling. Absolutely abhor it if I’m spending my own money. I can’t see losing money that I could spend on a great pair of shoes on a game of chance (that I truthfully feel is rigged anyway). This is where me and my dad bump heads (lol I love that man), he always tells me I’m scary (which he knows is the best way to get me to do something….I ain’t never scared). But I just don’t get how people get enjoyment out of it. I’d rather spend my time looking for that perfect pair of shoes that when I wear them my heart skips a beat (yep my money, my fetish).

I keep a small group of friends for a reason and if I let you in that’s big. Hey don’t judge me it’s how I control who affects my emotions (yes….I know but look at the title). I am a seriously friendly person but those who are close to me know I have my times when I just don’t want to be bothered. Yes it seems petty and most people try to figure out how I will ever get married and blah blah blah and here’s my response……..THIS ISN’T YOUR LIFE. I’ve learned from past experiences that letting people in before God tells you to can cause a lot of problems. My favorite example Eve and the serpent……think about it if she wasn’t so quick to listen to somebody other than Adam and God the whole fall of Man thing could have been avoided (my opinion, my blog, hush, keep reading and comment at the end). When “new people” all the sudden pop up I need to find out their intentions before I can let them in. I’m not that desperate for attention that I can’t be by myself (hell I don’t think any human can love me more than I love me).

Now this next one has been the hardest for me but considering it’s part of my faith here goes………at times I have to stop myself from telling God my plans for my life (yes….laugh because I am laughing uncontrollably at the moment). Do you know how crazy I know I look trying to tell God (all powerful, all knowing, ever present, all loving….if you need more characteristics just email I’ll help you) how I want Him to run my life? I can just see Him now shaking His head and chuckling. Doesn’t that sound crazy and deranged? Sometimes after I run off my list to God about how I want my day to go I can honestly hear that still voice saying “Are you done silly girl?”

As of recent in my life it was pretty bad because I have been trying to stay in my comfort zone not realizing it’s time for me to get uncomfortable. See that’s the problem I became a control freak to stay comfortable and content with my life, not understanding that this is how you become stagnant and dead. I’ve been stuck for a while and not registering that I’m dying, emotionally and spiritually. Not loving, not living,just existing for the sake of existing. So as I type this I realize that the adventure I have been on was one of death and if I continue on this road of control nothing will come about but stagnation and extinction. That’s what happened to the dodo bird, couldn’t adapt to its surroundings, was too stubborn to change, so the whole species was wiped away. Will I let that be my fate? Do I really want to be the Dodo bird? (if you know me you know what the answers going to be……survival of the fittest and I am one of the fittest!!!!)

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#Lessonslearned The solo act…..maybe

“Falling in love was a solo act. I knew that, had learned that the hard way. You just jumped and hoped your parachute opened.”—– Eric Jerome Dickie

I read this quote from one of my favorite books and it really intrigued me. I started thinking about all the times I thought I had fallen in love.

Preschool Love:

The preschool boyfriend.  I had a boyfriend in preschool and no I wasn’t a fast tailed little girl. My family took us on dates to the library to listen to story time at the library. We shared our juice boxes, fought on the playground and had our first kiss (I think we actually just mushed our faces together…not really romantic). I don’t think I was in love then but I do know I was having fun.

At this point I was the only child and I didn’t have a lot of cousins my age in Missouri. I remember having a playmate that was a boy. There were no titles, no pressure, just someone to play in the sandbox with and challenge to some type of childhood contest ( I bet I can hold my breath longer than you…..nah uh I got asthma lol). It was fun while it lasted we moved onto to kindergarten and went our separate ways,sometimes I wonder if he remembers me.

Middle School Love

The middle school boyfriend. Okay I was full tomboy by this time. We moved to Texas and I got a chance to be around boys for real. I wasn’t fully aware of how my body was changing. The havoc the hormones were wreaking on my life, my parents’ lives, and my cousins’ lives. I was a mess to say the least and that deadly mixture of hormones and killer body made me think I fell in love every month.

Now let me say this again……I WAS NOT A FAST TAILED LITTLE GAL!!! So in the 6th grade I acquired a boyfriend by letting him walk me to class and that was the extent of the relationship. Like seriously he walked me to class and we talked about our acne (how sweet…….GAG MUCH). We didn’t talk on the phone much because I wasn’t a big phone talker(amazing right, still the same way). Looking back, 6th grade boyfriend was the sweetest relationship I’ve ever had because we were able to be open about our flaws and accepted each other regardless of pizza face. Was it love…..nope. Had I fallen….of course not lol but it was still sweet.

High School Love:

High school boyfriend!!!! I only had one real boyfriend my senior year (sorry to the rest of you) and I can positively say that the quote mentioned above fit this situation. I had fallen by myself (suka!!!). It was totally a solo act. I jumped out of the plane, opened my parachute and landed on the ground only to see him still in the plane with two girls that had already graduated. Ha it was joke (but I had the last laugh…..don’t judge me). This one relationship has shaped the few I have had after it, but I still don’t believe falling in love is only a solo act.

The Continual Falling:

From then on I would have a college relationship/engagement and the ones in between. Just know I’m not married but I’m not lonely lol. I type all this to say falling in love can be a solo act or a joint journey, it just depends on your choices. You can choose to fall in love with someone you knew from the start of the relationship that was never meant for you or you can fall together with someone who truly cares and is invested a respects the position that they have in your life.

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* Me and my couch just chilling*

I don’t understand the end of relationships

Okay real talk session, I don’t understand the end of relationships. I guess because I’m usually the one who ends the relationships because I realize time is too precious to waste. So with that being said why do people “hem and haw” (I heard my grandmother’s voice when I typed that) with ending things…..I think I may have a couple of theories (let’s be clear:I’M NOT AN EXPERT, JUST AN OUTSPOKEN FABULOUS INDIVIDUAL WITH AN AMAZING PERSONALITY)….

We are naestalgic…… we hold on past the expiration date to remember the good times. Isn’t that silly? The relationship has moved past the point of enjoyment, you’ve pleaded your case and both parties can’t agree on a solution, as the song goes “LET IT GO! LET IT GOOOO!!!” (God thank you for not letting me have children that sing this song, I swear I’d be in a facility). Think about it this way, it’s like keeping food past the expiration date. Yes it was good for the moment, but now it has your refrigerator stinking and it no longer resembles the dish that you took a picture of and posted on instagram (You ig chef you lol).

Be an adult about it (you are not Peter Pan, you have to grow up). Yeah the truth hurts but at least it’s the truth. Stop saying things like “I’m going to hang out with the girls” or “my FRIEND needs help”. Really?  That’s how you are going to try get out of ending things? Or is it you’re just selfish? Be real with yourself and the other person,  and give them closure. Playing with another person’s happiness and well being is cruel and selfish (Okay I’m about to get out of  my feelings…… nope give me a second….. okay butterflies, cookies, Dwayne Johnson, Lance Gross, Idris Elba… goodness life is good lol).

Okay that took a weird turn….. sorry (seriously back to the funny). But seriously, what is it that makes it so hard to let go or detach? It’s like we are so afraid to let go of the past because we are unsure of our future. But I mean that’s life, that’s why we live. If life was predictable then it would be boring. We are meant to live with the faith that everything will turn out okay,  and the truth is it will. Relationships come and go but what matters most is that you learn from each one and experience life as it comes to you 🙂

Disclaimer: if you read too much into this I promise you won’t find anything. Quit being so deep, live and love. And don’t just love, love with reckless abandonment 🙂

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Baby Fever……..give me the cure (Oh and Shouts out to my SIngle Moms)

After seeing all these cute little kids and babies on my timeline and pictures on instagram, I can officially say I have caught baby fever. I want a cute, chubby faced version of me and someone else that I can love and nurture and spoil until they become too independent and break my heart lol….but seriously my biological clock is ticking so loud I get distracted from everyday tasks thinking about what it would be like to have a child. It has caused me to reevaluate some of my life choices and reasons I have for not having any at this moment……

The first and obvious issue……..I’m not married.  My number one issue, I truly believe in first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in the baby carriage. No jabs at the women who are holding it down being a single mother. I understand that life, my mother was actually a single teenaged parent. I just don’t think I’m about that life, I need partnership if I’m going to have a baby, and I’m not talking about co-parenting or any of that new stuff. I need commitment!! Having a child is a huge responsibility, one that should be shared. Plus I really need someone to balance out my weirdness, because I can get a little strange if left to my own vices. I really have to make sure that I have somebody around 24/7 as a good sounding board.

My lifestyle is not conducive to having kids. Once again hats off to the single working moms. I have no idea how you guys do it, seriously (ginseng, ginkgo biloba, an IV of caffeine????) I am an educator and a head coach, half the time I have to set my alarm on my cell phone to make sure I eat, does that really sound healthy for a child. I’m serious, I forget things even when they are written down, put in my cell phone as a reminder, tattooed on my wrist (just joking no wrist tattoos lol) . I couldn’t imagine having to take care of another human being (the thought of the extra laundry alone is making me cringe…..actually the thought of my mountain of laundry….I digress). I truthfully can’t do it on my own, to manage my schedule, sometimes I’m gone for days…..let me put it this way I’m surprised my two plants are still alive.

I’m not quite ready for my body to change. I just don’t know if I can go through with it. I’m already top heavy…..and they grow through pregnancy….. OMG!!!! That will be ri-dunk-ulous!!! I would seriously have to be married so I could get back rubs every night and someone to hold them up when the bra cubes out… (I’m dead serious)

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