As I sit in the deck, relaxing, drinking a fun ship special, watching the waves slowly move past the boat (jealous yet lmbo) I realized that in the past 3 years I limited my endless possibilities. You know those things that you tell yourself you can do because you are Superwoman (or She Hulk in my case)? Those goals and challenges that you were so sure you could take on no matter who’s with you. Well I limited myself…. why? Just life: deaths, life, sickness, relationships, friendships, you name it, it has happened to me. Life for the past 3 years has tried to kick my perfectly round and high behind (calling things into existence…. He knows my heart lol), and this year was almost the straw that broke this camel’s back. But I know what I’m shooting for with the rest of this life that I have. I’m going to live by my endless possibilities.
1. I realize I want to be married. Even though I’m comfortable in my singleness, and I love myself, it would be nice to get married. It took a break up to help me see what I really want. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to get married for the sake of getting married (baby please believe this one is too fine to be desperate), I truly want someone who is as supportive to me as I am to them. I want someone who can make decisions by looking at the bigger picture and not just the uncomfortable situation that’s being faced at that moment. I don’t need need protection (She Hulk status)but it would be nice to be protected. I want stability, hell I can make enough compulsive decisions for the both of us, but I crave some thing that is always sure.
2. I want to make a difference in my community. The great thing about this is my best friend’s and my circle of influence won’t let me ever get distracted from this (thanks Quin!!). With so much going on in the world our kids are getting distracted. Can you blame them? There is no direction, no guidance, no one to point them in the right direction. Never knocking the awesome parents of the world, but I do believe it takes a village. I love my community, I love how creative we are, how by adding just a tad of our ability can make something a that much better. We have to come together not just when there is injustice but also when things seem like they are status quo. That’s when it’s really needed.
3. Lord….I may kick myself after I write this but…..I WANT KIDS (ughhhhhhhh!!!!) Okay yes I want a mini me or him lol. Not going to go any further with this one (yes I am and I want to be married when it happens).
4. Last but not least, I am not limited to my thoughts. It happens to everyone we have a shift in life and our thought process shifts to adapt to the new situation. Well I guess 10 days in the hospital and 15 days off work can shift anyone’s thought process. Mine went from reckless abandonment to little Miss Careful Susie. I’ve always had the faith to love life to the fullest, but a blood clot will have you rethink life. Will I die in my sleep? What if they can’t find the cause? How long could I survive if I couldn’t teach or be an educator (it’s my passion)? What if he doesn’t want me anymore? All these what ifs and only about 2 actually happened, and guess what….I survived them! Being careful didn’t change a thing. Being Miss Careful Susie only made my life boring and gray for the past 6 months. That one life changing situation made me understand that I can’t control a thing that happens in life so why not live with limitless, endless possibilities?
I’m tired of hearing this statement which is always followed by some type of bad news “You’re such a good woman”…..like the first part of that statement is going to make me feel great about what follows.
“…. Why are you single?” Really….. you really want me to answer that okay……I have three legs…..no, no that’s not it maybe it’s because I snore…..no, no wait maybe it’s my three degrees, a career, house, and no kids (not putting down my single mothers….. yall rock for real). Don’t you think if I knew I wouldn’t be single? How about you ask God and see what He says….. right. No don’t walk away offended, it’s a stupid way to ask someone why they are single. Feelings hurt? Oh well mine were too by that question.
“…..I don’t deserve you”….. well now who does? Oh I get it’s the good old “build up to let down”. Make someone feel good about themselves when you have to deliver bad news. That’s funny but realize it makes no sense. If I were so good then I could help bring you to the level you want to reach, but the reality is you don’t want to achieve that level of excellence. You do realize that now you have set a standard for yourself to fall below the level you think you’re good enough for. Smh foolishness…..it’s the equivalent of saying “it’s not you it’s me”! Boy if you don’t get that crap outta here.
And last but not least my favorite……”I don’t know why I didn’t stay”. Really….. really!?!? Oh so you figured this out after you married or had a baby with the one you knew was below your level. Now you’re having regrets…. sir I laugh at your foolishness. You sneak and go through all your old phone records, fb meessages, twitter, whatever to look up my phone number to bother me with your regrets. Really? That’s all I can think to say. But being the person I am, I listen and give you advice to help your relationship out, why? Because I would want someone to do the same for me. Because I have faith that everyone still has some type of good in them to help others workout their situations.
Maybe that’s what makes me such a “good woman” my faith. My faith in God that He knows exactly what I need in my life. Every experience, every relationship, every trial and tribulation. I know that God has a plan for our lives and everything we go through will workout for our good in the end. And since it’s not the end I know my good is coming.
*I love this shirt :)*
So i am now the single girl that’s not in a relationship. I’m in the process of moving forward with the rest of my life, because that’s what you do move forward. But I’m still baffled by the whole thing. How can someone say they have your back one moment turn around and place your whole life in danger and make you feel like the situation was your fault? How does someone reject encouragement and faithfulness? Okay….I need to bring it back because this is not what I want to talk about (woosahing…. breathing…. living)
Back to the nature at hand (shout out Dr.Dre)…I really do want a forever kind of love. Not that googly eye, heart flutter, leg melting thing. That’s all based on emotions, things that wear off. That’s all temporary the excitement of something new. Some people thrive off this and end up jumping from relationship to relationship. They don’t have the maturity, emotional or spiritual deepness to get past this point. Think about your Middle school/high school crush…… (oh Lord I remember mine)…. think about the feeling you had as he walked down the hallway. He probably gave you a quick greeting that made you feel like you were going to absolutely melt that moment. Now fast forward to your 10 year reunion….. did you feel the same way? Hell I didn’t….. zero emotion whatsoever, it wasn’t ever deep. Just so superficial (and I’m pretty sure he didn’t look the same).
I want that married for 65 years type of love. That love that lasts through infinity and time. That love that you don’t ever have to question no matter what you’ve been through. Im over the emotions and games people play. Anybody can love when things are new and fresh, but can you do it when I don’t understand you? Can you do it when I know you have to make a hard decision that’s doesn’t bring comfort to either one of us? Can you do it when your back is against the wall? That’s the forever type of love I’m looking for. Yes I’m putting pressure on the next one. I don’t want my heart to be played with. So if you don’t want what I want please don’t play games or be a pretender….. life is too short to not live it the way you want.
Love you guys 🙂
So I’m sitting on this couch thinking about thinking…..(no for real….) and part of this verse from the Bible hit me “And the truth shall set you free”. I don’t know why but I want to know what truths will set you free? I know I have a couple that I think I finally want to share that may change your opinion about me but I’m at a point in my life where I just don’t care (I would say sorry but….)
I am so happy I didn’t get married the first time someone proposed to me (or the second time…..hush lol). I think that I probably could have been married by now and had a family, it would have been nice to have my grandparents there. Truth is I more than likely would have been a divorced (or widowed because I found out that….well not important) single mother. Would planning the ceremony and celebrating a union that wasn’t ordained by God in the presence of my family, friends and loved ones really be worth more than my happiness. Nope not at all!! Do I still communicate with him, occasionally, but I don’t miss him in that capacity. I still have love for him but I’m not the same person I was when I graduated from college. I have grown so much as a woman and he still expected me to remain the young bright eyed girl that loved blindly. I’m not her and I think if I would have married him we would have grown apart because of my desire to experience life at a greater level.
I get restless when I stay in town for too long. I have to travel!!! I think it just flows through my blood. Like right now at this moment I am going crazy because I have been in Houston way too long. I need to spread my wings and make a new experience really fast. This is how I start getting stir crazy. All work and no travel makes Janae a crazy, anxiety filled, nut bag. I don’t even know when this started happening. I always traveled in college because of track (one of the reasons I excelled, I got to travel different places) and when I graduated from college I would always go on some road trip. Right now I’m itching…..i need a get away and it doesn’t matter who takes me (hint hint lol).
I sometimes worry that I will get replaced. Even though I know I am the one and only (seriously I don’t think the world could handle another me). But there is that little place deep down inside that tries to figure out what will happen when ppl forget me, could they replace me easily. I had a health scare in January that helped me realize this. Once I leave can I be easily replaced? Am I really as special as I feel most days? This is a terrifying thought. I think all the lives I have touched and is it really a bad thing that I am forgotten? There’s always someone better or more equipped but I don’t think I’m ready to come to that conclusion.
Last but not least…….it’s easy for me to love but not to fall in love (that’s not a truth….that’s an Atom bomb that just exploded). I can honestly say I love everybody (stop laughing it’s the truth remember) but to become vulnerable enough to let go and fall head over heels, no holds bar, heart uncovered in love with someone scares the living crap out of me because I have serious trust issues. Too many times have I shown glimpses of my heart for it to get treated like a worthless toy, so I keep it locked in my little treasure chest and hide the key until someone is worthy enough to handle all it can offer.
So these are my truths and they have been proven. No hope is lost for my future, I just find it hilarious that the truths have been proven. Remind me of Geometry though, and I hated it lol
“I see you got your smile back”~ Magic Mike
So it is now 2:36 AM and my mind won’t settle. I’ve prayed, I’ve listened and I’ve prayed some more and I’m still at this point, restless and awake. So I guess it’s time to reveal the real reason behind this blog. I thought this would be a great way to write out my thoughts and let people laugh at my quirkiness. The truth is this it’s way to deal with the mourning of those who I’ve lost who were extremely close to my heart. As July and August approach it becomes harder for me to sleep and deal with every day things. Nothing seems to the same vibrance as it used to.
No one really tells you when the mourning of those who have passed fades. When what seems to feel like the eternal heaviness goes away. It’s always there, waiting for you to come back to it like a familiar, comfy, ratty sweater. You take it off to put on a show for those around you who are concerned, but when you’re alone, and there’s no escape you put it back on and remember the times you can never get back.
I loved my grandparents with my whole heart. They were so many things to so many people but for me they were truly my grandparents. They were my family. They made sure to keep our bond strong and loved everyone who ever loved me. Because of their influence I was able to experience a true blended family with no pain or consequence. The people who they were is what I strive to be, and they set the bar pretty dang high.
But here’s my question: when does this all end? When can I get back to enjoying life? When do I start feeling again? You would think that all this would have passed since I lived through a blood clot (Thank God for people who care about me more than i care about myself) that I would have a little more excitement about things but….. it seems like everything has been tremendously overwhelming. My friends just think I’m doing things real big when we go out but truthfully I’m just trying to mask the dullness I feel. Half the time I just want to lie in my bed and cry it out, but I know I have to continue to be productive.
I can say I’m not as bad as I was a year ago. Last year it was fresh, new, it was painful. Everything in that year went by like a blur, so much so I forgot what I did for my birthday (now I remember…..Schilitterbahn… it was pretty epic). I was just existing and crying.
Now I’m choosing to do something different, although the pain is still there, I am trying to make sure I feel life a little more each day. I know my grandparents would have wanted it that way. So for now I’ll ignore the feeling of emptiness, ignore the constant tug of sadness, and I’ll focus on feeling. Feeling everything that life wants me to feel. Feeling everything that I was meant to feel. I’ll ignore the questions that bring sorrow and focus on the answers that help me feel.
*this girl was loving the Bahamas lol*