So it is now 2:36 AM and my mind won’t settle. I’ve prayed, I’ve listened and I’ve prayed some more and I’m still at this point, restless and awake. So I guess it’s time to reveal the real reason behind this blog. I thought this would be a great way to write out my thoughts and let people laugh at my quirkiness. The truth is this it’s way to deal with the mourning of those who I’ve lost who were extremely close to my heart. As July and August approach it becomes harder for me to sleep and deal with every day things. Nothing seems to the same vibrance as it used to.
No one really tells you when the mourning of those who have passed fades. When what seems to feel like the eternal heaviness goes away. It’s always there, waiting for you to come back to it like a familiar, comfy, ratty sweater. You take it off to put on a show for those around you who are concerned, but when you’re alone, and there’s no escape you put it back on and remember the times you can never get back.
I loved my grandparents with my whole heart. They were so many things to so many people but for me they were truly my grandparents. They were my family. They made sure to keep our bond strong and loved everyone who ever loved me. Because of their influence I was able to experience a true blended family with no pain or consequence. The people who they were is what I strive to be, and they set the bar pretty dang high.
But here’s my question: when does this all end? When can I get back to enjoying life? When do I start feeling again? You would think that all this would have passed since I lived through a blood clot (Thank God for people who care about me more than i care about myself) that I would have a little more excitement about things but….. it seems like everything has been tremendously overwhelming. My friends just think I’m doing things real big when we go out but truthfully I’m just trying to mask the dullness I feel. Half the time I just want to lie in my bed and cry it out, but I know I have to continue to be productive.
I can say I’m not as bad as I was a year ago. Last year it was fresh, new, it was painful. Everything in that year went by like a blur, so much so I forgot what I did for my birthday (now I remember…..Schilitterbahn… it was pretty epic). I was just existing and crying.
Now I’m choosing to do something different, although the pain is still there, I am trying to make sure I feel life a little more each day. I know my grandparents would have wanted it that way. So for now I’ll ignore the feeling of emptiness, ignore the constant tug of sadness, and I’ll focus on feeling. Feeling everything that life wants me to feel. Feeling everything that I was meant to feel. I’ll ignore the questions that bring sorrow and focus on the answers that help me feel.
*this girl was loving the Bahamas lol*