So I’m sitting on this couch thinking about thinking…..(no for real….) and part of this verse from the Bible hit me “And the truth shall set you free”. I don’t know why but I want to know what truths will set you free? I know I have a couple that I think I finally want to share that may change your opinion about me but I’m at a point in my life where I just don’t care (I would say sorry but….)
I am so happy I didn’t get married the first time someone proposed to me (or the second time…..hush lol). I think that I probably could have been married by now and had a family, it would have been nice to have my grandparents there. Truth is I more than likely would have been a divorced (or widowed because I found out that….well not important) single mother. Would planning the ceremony and celebrating a union that wasn’t ordained by God in the presence of my family, friends and loved ones really be worth more than my happiness. Nope not at all!! Do I still communicate with him, occasionally, but I don’t miss him in that capacity. I still have love for him but I’m not the same person I was when I graduated from college. I have grown so much as a woman and he still expected me to remain the young bright eyed girl that loved blindly. I’m not her and I think if I would have married him we would have grown apart because of my desire to experience life at a greater level.
I get restless when I stay in town for too long. I have to travel!!! I think it just flows through my blood. Like right now at this moment I am going crazy because I have been in Houston way too long. I need to spread my wings and make a new experience really fast. This is how I start getting stir crazy. All work and no travel makes Janae a crazy, anxiety filled, nut bag. I don’t even know when this started happening. I always traveled in college because of track (one of the reasons I excelled, I got to travel different places) and when I graduated from college I would always go on some road trip. Right now I’m itching…..i need a get away and it doesn’t matter who takes me (hint hint lol).
I sometimes worry that I will get replaced. Even though I know I am the one and only (seriously I don’t think the world could handle another me). But there is that little place deep down inside that tries to figure out what will happen when ppl forget me, could they replace me easily. I had a health scare in January that helped me realize this. Once I leave can I be easily replaced? Am I really as special as I feel most days? This is a terrifying thought. I think all the lives I have touched and is it really a bad thing that I am forgotten? There’s always someone better or more equipped but I don’t think I’m ready to come to that conclusion.
Last but not least…….it’s easy for me to love but not to fall in love (that’s not a truth….that’s an Atom bomb that just exploded). I can honestly say I love everybody (stop laughing it’s the truth remember) but to become vulnerable enough to let go and fall head over heels, no holds bar, heart uncovered in love with someone scares the living crap out of me because I have serious trust issues. Too many times have I shown glimpses of my heart for it to get treated like a worthless toy, so I keep it locked in my little treasure chest and hide the key until someone is worthy enough to handle all it can offer.
So these are my truths and they have been proven. No hope is lost for my future, I just find it hilarious that the truths have been proven. Remind me of Geometry though, and I hated it lol