Well loves we are in August, the month I graced this world with my presence (You’re Welcome lol). This year is screaming past us at an alarming rate. Have you accomplished any of your goals (….don’t feel bad I’m still working on a couple myself). Honestly I should have done more about that this summer but I didn’t and truthfully I’m not mad about it.
Okay dating tip for August: make sure you can provide the things you’re expecting your mate to provide. You can’t expect a travel companion if you don’t have a passport and you have never been outside a 45 min radius of your house. You should be able to compliment your future partner not add to their stress with expectations and requirements you can’t meet yourself.
Now let’s talk about this thing that I never wanted to admit…..Hello my name is Janae and I am emotionally unavailable. I only let people get as close as these walls that are built like Ft. Knox will allow them. It’s not on purpose and I really don’t know when it happened. I just know that these walls and barriers I have surrounding me are hella thick and I don’t know if I can let them down.
What is the cause? I don’t think there has just been one thing. I think a culmination of unfortunate events have lead to this point. Promises not kept, broken oaths, and expectations not being met….this list could probably go on and on. No okay the truth….okay the truth is being vulnerable sucks! Giving someone access to me …..the essence of who I am seems very….umm I don’t know intrusive.
I really don’t understand how to let others get to me on a “soul level”. Everything people know about me can be found on the Google and most people who think they know me really don’t. It’s nothing personal and it may seem a bit sociopathic (na….I’m not that crazy), but it has helped me survive some really tough times in life.
How do I plan to fix it? Shoot your guess is as good as mine. I figure at some point someone other than my family (or that’s like family…..that would be fly actually) will come along that I can trust with my intimate of intimates. Someone that I can trust with the truest deepest form of Janae that I can give or offer. Someone that knows when I have pushed past my comfort zone or can tell when I’m exhausted and just need a nap (and maybe some chocolate lol)
So here I am living this wonderful life skimming the surface of feelings and keeping my Great Wall of China sized wall around my heart. Don’t worry though, I’m working on it….one “I love you” at a time, because that’s about the deepest, truest emotion that I can’t fake.
*I had an attitude because everyone had their food but me*