So you think it’s a joke….

Happy November. I wish I really could write what I am supposed to write but I just can’t seem to do it. All these other pressing matters seem to be on my heart that I need to get out and like usual I write it and post it because maybe I can help save someone else’s life.

Dating Tip #1: Your no means no no matter what or how he/she interprets it. Don’t feel obligated to do anything that goes against who you are.

Okay let me whoosah and breath because this one is about to be a doozy for me (I feel my anxiety so that means I’m doing the right thing). With the recent allegations of sexual harassment and sexual misconduct of public influential people, I feel people still aren’t understanding what “Rape Culture” truly is. I’ve seen men and women that I am close to victim blame women who were raped and would have to sit in silence holding my own secret.

Always thinking maybe I shouldn’t have told him yes. If I wouldn’t have told him yes then his friend never would have…..

Always wondering well maybe if I would have dressed in sweats at practice maybe he would have never noticed me and his friend never would have……

In my mind I knew I only consented to one….not two. I try to rewind and replay the situation: how I could have done things differently when in all actuality it was never me. I consented to one not two.

Constantly second guessing my choices. Second guessing the relationship I was in because I thought no one else would want me. Over achieving to hide the shame of what I thought was my mistake. Lifting weights to get stronger so that it would never happen again (wasn’t even thinking about getting stronger for my sport).If I could have only….but still I only consented to one not two.

See I know some people are going to read this and still say it was my fault. If I would have not been “fast” it would have never happened. If I could have just learned to keep my legs closed that I would have been safe. That my friends is Rape Culture. Instead understanding that my choice was taken away because I consented to one….not two, you blame me and my female characteristics. I am not to be blamed for something that should have never happened.

It took me forever to gain the confidence to move past the past. I couldn’t let one incident define me when it truly did. For a long time I was afraid of my own sexuality. I felt as though it betrayed me. It took a while to look in a mirror and not be disgusted. I still don’t like to be touched. I don’t like men staring at me for too long. I’m always questioning intentions and actions because well…..I was raped.

So this strong woman that you think you see had to be rebuilt after years of mistrust. After years of thinking her loved ones would treat her like she had a scarlet A on her chest I decided to come forward so that others will never think that it’s ever their fault.

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