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If I’m such a good woman then…..

I’m tired of hearing this statement which is always followed by some type of bad news “You’re such a good woman”…..like the first part of that statement is going to make me feel great about what follows.

“…. Why are you single?” Really….. you really want me to answer that okay……I have three legs…..no, no that’s not it maybe it’s because I snore…..no, no wait maybe it’s my three degrees, a career, house, and no kids (not putting down my single mothers….. yall rock for real). Don’t you think if I knew I wouldn’t be single? How about you ask God and see what He says….. right. No don’t walk away offended, it’s a stupid way to ask someone why they are single. Feelings hurt? Oh well mine were too by that question.

“…..I don’t deserve you”….. well now who does? Oh I get it’s the good old “build up to let down”. Make someone feel good about themselves when you have to deliver bad news. That’s funny but realize it makes no sense. If I were so good then I could help bring you to the level you want to reach, but the reality is you don’t want to achieve that level of excellence.  You do realize that now you have set a standard for yourself to fall below the level you think you’re good enough for. Smh foolishness…..it’s the equivalent of saying “it’s not you it’s me”! Boy if you don’t get that crap outta here.

And last but not least my favorite……”I don’t know why I didn’t stay”. Really….. really!?!? Oh so you figured this out after you married or had a baby with the one you knew was below your level. Now you’re having regrets…. sir I laugh at your foolishness. You sneak and go through all your old phone records, fb meessages, twitter, whatever to look up my phone number to bother me with your regrets. Really? That’s all I can think to say. But being the person I am, I listen and give you advice to help your relationship out, why? Because I would want someone to do the same for me. Because I have faith that everyone still has some type of good in them to help others workout their situations.

Maybe that’s what makes me such a “good woman” my faith. My faith in God that He knows exactly what I need in my life. Every experience, every relationship, every trial and tribulation. I know that God has a plan for our lives and everything we go through will workout for our good in the end. And since it’s not the end I know my good is coming. 20150717_082616-1-1

*I love this shirt :)*

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I Want a Forever Kind of Love…..

So i am now the single girl that’s not in a relationship. I’m in the process of moving forward with the rest of my life, because that’s what you do move forward. But I’m still baffled by the whole thing. How can someone say they have your back one moment turn around and place your whole life in danger and make you feel like the situation was your fault? How does someone reject encouragement and faithfulness? Okay….I need to bring it back because this is not what I want to talk about (woosahing…. breathing…. living)

Back to the nature at hand (shout out Dr.Dre)…I really do want a forever kind of love. Not that googly eye, heart flutter, leg melting thing. That’s all based on emotions, things that wear off. That’s all temporary the excitement of something new. Some people thrive off this and end up jumping from relationship to relationship. They don’t have the maturity,  emotional or spiritual deepness to get past this point. Think about your Middle school/high school crush…… (oh Lord I remember mine)…. think about the feeling you had as he walked down the hallway. He probably gave you a quick greeting that made you feel like you were going to absolutely melt that moment. Now fast forward to your 10 year reunion….. did you feel the same way? Hell I didn’t….. zero emotion whatsoever, it wasn’t ever deep. Just so superficial (and I’m pretty sure he didn’t look the same).

I want that married for 65 years type of love. That love that lasts through infinity and time. That love that you don’t ever have to question no matter what you’ve been through. Im over the emotions and games people play. Anybody can love when things are new and fresh, but can you do it when I don’t understand you? Can you do it when I know you have to make a hard decision that’s doesn’t bring comfort to either one of us? Can you do it when your back is against the wall? That’s the forever type of love I’m looking for. Yes I’m putting pressure on the next one. I don’t want my heart to be played with. So if you don’t want what I want please don’t play games or be a pretender….. life is too short to not live it the way you want.

Love you guys 🙂

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And it shall set you free…………..

So I’m sitting on this couch thinking about thinking…..(no for real….) and part of this verse from the Bible hit me “And the truth shall set you free”. I don’t know why but I want to know what truths will set you free? I know I have a couple that I think I finally want to share that may change your opinion about me but I’m at a point in my life where I just don’t care (I would say sorry but….)

I am so happy I didn’t get married the first time someone proposed to me (or the second time…..hush lol). I think that I probably could have been married by now and had a family, it would have been nice to have my grandparents there. Truth is I more than likely would have been a divorced (or widowed because I found out that….well not important) single mother. Would planning the ceremony and celebrating a union that wasn’t ordained by God in the presence of my family, friends and loved ones really be worth more than my happiness. Nope not at all!! Do I still communicate with him, occasionally, but I don’t miss him in that capacity. I still have love for him but I’m not the same person I was when I graduated from college. I have grown so much as a woman and he still expected me to remain the young bright eyed girl that loved blindly. I’m not her and I think if I would have married him we would have grown apart because of my desire to experience life at a greater level.

I get restless when I stay in town for too long. I have to travel!!! I think it just flows through my blood. Like right now at this moment I am going crazy because I have been in Houston way too long. I need to spread my wings and make a new experience really fast. This is how I start getting stir crazy. All work and no travel makes Janae a crazy, anxiety filled, nut bag. I don’t even know when this started happening. I always traveled in college because of track (one of the reasons I excelled, I got to travel different places) and when I graduated from college I would always go on some road trip. Right now I’m itching…..i need a get away and it doesn’t matter who takes me (hint hint lol).

I sometimes worry that I will get replaced. Even though I know I am the one and only (seriously I don’t think the world could handle another me). But there is that little place deep down inside that tries to figure out what will happen when ppl forget me, could they replace me easily. I had a health scare in January that helped me realize this. Once I leave can I be easily replaced? Am I really as special as I feel most days? This is a terrifying thought. I think all the lives I have touched and is it really a bad thing that I am forgotten? There’s always someone better or more equipped but I don’t think I’m ready to come to that conclusion.

Last but not least…….it’s easy for me to love but not to fall in love (that’s not a truth….that’s an Atom bomb that just exploded). I can honestly say I love everybody (stop laughing it’s the truth remember) but to become vulnerable enough to let go and fall head over heels, no holds bar, heart uncovered in love with someone scares the living crap out of me because I have serious trust issues. Too many times have I shown glimpses of my heart for it to get treated like a worthless toy, so I keep it locked in my little treasure chest and hide the key until someone is worthy enough to handle all it can offer.

So these are my truths and they have been proven. No hope is lost for my future, I just find it hilarious that the truths have been proven. Remind me of Geometry though, and I hated it lol

20150709_214238           “I see you got your smile back”~ Magic Mike

When does it end……

So it is now 2:36 AM and my mind won’t settle. I’ve prayed, I’ve listened and I’ve prayed some more and I’m still at this point, restless and awake. So I guess it’s time to reveal the real reason behind this blog. I thought this would be a great way to write out my thoughts and let people laugh at my quirkiness. The truth is this it’s way to deal with the mourning of those who I’ve lost who were extremely close to my heart. As July and August approach it becomes harder for me to sleep and deal with every day things. Nothing seems to the same vibrance as it used to.

No one really tells you when the mourning of those who have passed fades. When what seems to feel like the eternal heaviness goes away. It’s always there, waiting for you to come back to it like a familiar, comfy, ratty sweater. You take it off to put on a show for those around you who are concerned, but when you’re alone, and there’s no escape you put it back on and remember the times you can never get back.

I loved my grandparents with my whole heart. They were so many things to so many people but for me they were truly my grandparents. They were my family. They made sure to keep our bond strong and loved everyone who ever loved me. Because of their influence I was able to experience a true blended family with no pain or consequence. The people who they were is what I strive to be, and they set the bar pretty dang high.

But here’s my question: when does this all end? When can I get back to enjoying life? When do I start feeling again? You would think that all this would have passed since I lived through a blood clot (Thank God for people who care about me more than i care about myself) that I would have a little more excitement about things but….. it seems like everything has been tremendously overwhelming. My friends just think I’m doing things real big when we go out but truthfully I’m just trying to mask the dullness I feel. Half the time I just want to lie in my bed and cry it out, but I know I have to continue to be productive.

I can say I’m not as bad as I was a year ago. Last year it was fresh, new, it was painful. Everything in that year went by like a blur, so much so I forgot what I did for my birthday (now I remember…..Schilitterbahn… it was pretty epic). I was just existing and crying.

Now I’m choosing to do something different, although the pain is still there, I am trying to make sure I feel life a little more each day. I know my grandparents would have wanted it that way. So for now I’ll ignore the feeling of emptiness, ignore the constant tug of sadness, and I’ll focus on feeling. Feeling everything that life wants me to feel. Feeling everything that I was meant to feel. I’ll ignore the questions that bring sorrow and focus on the answers that help me feel.

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*this girl was loving the Bahamas lol*

The Law of Reciprocation…..Karma!

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So I may get some flack for this but it’s the truth and hopefully the truth will set yall free because I know I am.

This is not for ALL married men, nor am I bashing any that are my real friends because you guys are great examples of how married men operate. No, this is for that select few that have their cake and want to eat it too (I didn’t understand this until I was in college lol). You greedy little boys who can’t be happy with the choices you’ve made in life. The ones who said “MINE” a lot as kids because you didn’t want to share. These are the men I’m writing about today.

What would your wife think if she saw you in my inbox? Do you think she would approve? What gives you the audacity to think I would find interest in you knowing that your martial status? I don’t want to be the person you talk to when you have issues (I can’t help you because I’m not married). I don’t want to be your so called “ESCAPE” from reality because I have a reality of my own (And ititit’s freaking awesome sauce!!)

You selfish, stingy little boy who needs a confidence boost because things are tough, of course it’s tough you aren’t communicating with the person you vowed to share the rest of your life with. What would your wife think if she found out you were on my blocked list because you don’t understand no means no?

I refuse to accept your advances or even engage in chit chat because I put myself in your wife’s shoes. If I were your wife what would I think……ha you really don’t want to know (currently thinking of a certain scene in Waiting to Exhale….. don’t judge me I’m not there yet lol)

So please if you are this type of man, please cease and desist. I’m not a home wrecker nor do I have aspirations to be a side chick. I am comfortable with my non-married status. I don’t need your attention. I know I’m beautiful and intelligent. I’m not thirsty and even if I were, it wouldn’t be for anyone who’s taken.

I remember a long time ago someone said it was my fault that this happens. To that I say hogwash and balderdash (I’ve always wanted to use that word lol). I don’t make myself available nor do I feel I need to walk around with a scowl on my face (that’s how society sees black women all the time). I can’t help that I have a magnetic personality but I do know who and where to use it. I refuse to accept responsibility for wandering eyes and a loose sense of devotion. But I will try my best to encourage and remind those who need it of the vow they took before God and their families. I will make sure to uphold my own morality at all costs because I don’t want to be in a situation where I’m the wife wondering and thinking.

Remember what ever you put out is what you receive……but until then I’m going to be freaking awesome 🙂

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You might be a teacher if…….

To all my educator friends who have endured the school year,  I say HYFR (you can interpret those letters for your own enjoyment)!!! Congratulations! You made it through another one. Whether you retired, returned to the same school, changed schools, moved up, moved down or just said “F*** IT” (interpret at your own free will), you still made it and that makes you the real MVP! Here are a couple things to make you laugh and enjoy your first month off…….54198154

1. You might be a teacher if…….

You gained or lost any amount of weight during the school year. I think this was a running joke this year to see who’s clothes would be too big or too small by the end of the year. The amount of stress teachers go through in a year can be compared to one waiting the verdict on the death penalty (yes I know this is extreme but this is what happens when your job depends on teenagers or any child for that matter).

2. You might be a teacher if

You feel the need to correct children who are not your’s when in public. Baby this is one I struggle with all the time. It actually happened today while attending my best friend’s graduation.

3. You might be a teacher if…..

You look forward to not knowing the day of the week! God bless summer vacation,  you can turn your brain off for at least a month….. with that being said……CLICK!!

4. You might be a teacher if…..

You get offended when people say “at least you get summers off”. Man….. really!?! You have no idea what goes on from August to June….. man don’t make me…. (woo-sahing as I type)teacher4

5. You might be a teacher if…….

You get happy when you don’t have to pee on a timed schedule. Yes I said it! I can actually drink the amount of water I’m supposed to drink because I can pee whenever I want (insert “evil take over the world” laugh)

Well I’m about to enjoy the beginning of my summer vacation. No real plans just going with the flow and seeing what adventures and shenanigans I can get into. My grandmother always told me “Honey you don’t work summer school, that is your time”. I have followed this advice for 8 years now and NOTHING can make me go against it. Have a great summer teachers!

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Funny Story…….

You always know something is about to go down when you or a friend start a story off with this phrase. It’s either going to have you laughing until you catch a cramp/have an asthma attack OR leave you thinking about how messed up the situation turned out. Either way you know you are about to enjoy the story. So here goes…..

Funny story, I promise I can’t make it up. So today I was asked two questions: What are the benefits of being single? What am I doing while waiting (to get married)?

Now usually (with my three degrees and eight years of being an educator) I get a little ignorant when asked questions about my singleness. Why, you may ask? Well I look at every part of my life as being special, ESPECIALLY this state of singleness that I currently reside in. It doesn’t define me but at the moment it is who I am and how I am experiencing life. Like I said earlier I am in a committed relationship but until I have said my vows I am still considered single. No joint accounts, no sides of the bed, no his/her chairs (that sounds crazy because I would sit in his chair or lay in the middle of the bed just to tease him lol).

What are the benefits of being single? Sure my typical answer would be: I can do whatever I want, whenever I want, however I want (why? because I’m grown than a mugg….lmbo lol). Well of course that is the only benefit I need right? Na okay let’s be a grown up and look at this a little deeper. The greatest benefit about being single is learning yourself. I think that is the one thing I wished they taught little girls in little girl school (you know instead of waiting on your knight in shining armor and learning how to be a good old southern bell). I have had the greatest time figuring out who I am as a grown up. I know what I like/don’t like, how I like to make my sandwiches, that I don’t like folding clothes (that mountain….Lord), I love to travel, and I am a very effective disrupter/distractor. My quirky personality can light up a room and I get frustrated and hold in my stress. I have learned all these things just from living and being with myself. I have been able to learn who I am which is more than I can say for most people. But that’s another blog entry and I try not to judge so…..I”M GOING TO LEAVE THAT ALONE (yeah until I feel the need to write again lol you’re safe….for now :))

What am I doing while waiting? Lol I’m not waiting on nothing baby. I am living life on purpose! What do I look like waiting on something that may never happen (harsh reality isn’t it…)? I became aware of this reality after my grandparents passed away. I was so upset that they would never get to see me get married that I didn’t realize that they’d already witnessed me accomplishing so much with my life. Three graduations, countless appearances at collegiate track meets (they came to the majority of my home meets….i just cried a little), speaking engagements, buying a house, broken engagements, and experiencing life. They saw all this and cheered me on. They watched me experience life without waiting, and that’s how I see myself now. I am living my life on purpose. There is no sequence to life. There is no husband and wedding store that you go to after you have reached a certain point (that would be nice because I would pick Idris Elba on a white sand beach with my closest family and friends during Carnival!!!) While I am in this point in my life I want to be able to tell my future children (Lillian and Haus lol) that their mother was a beast at life and I lived it to the fullest. I don’t want my little girl to think that life doesn’t start until she gets married (Lillian would be to busy inventing something or training for some competition…who knows).

I guess what I am trying to say is this…..your life is what you make it, so why not live it? Life is but a brief moment in time, how will you use it? Will you be stuck wishing you were at a different moment or will you enjoy the path that you are on?


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Ramblings of a Control Freak………

Hmm…..where to begin with this post. My name is Janae and I am a huge control freak. No like seriously…..it’s scary. But this year (January to be exact) I had to learn to let go of the control. It has been a roller coaster ride between my faith in God and trying to overcome my need to hold everything together in my own strength. This has caused me to lead the most craziest, anxiety filled, stress ridden, and insanity filled life.

Truthfully I can’t pinpoint a time when all this began (well to the degree it is at the present moment). If you ask my mother I have always been a bit strong willed, forcing my will upon others and wreaking havoc on those who would not obey my will (yes 3-5 year old me was a little shhh…..). I was that child that you told “We can’t buy candy because we don’t have the money for it” and when you reached the counter she still asked for it and threw a huge fit when she knew you would say no (yes every week, Mama, Nana, Thea I am truly sorry….). Yes that was me high understanding no slack in getting my way. I would fight tooth and nail and didn’t care if I got my butt whooped or not (yep, I said it and I thank my parents for doing it). Now in my adult life this has helped to an extent but the fact of the matter: I’m freaking crazy!! (well not hospital crazy, more like functioning psychopath).

There are certain things I just won’t do because I can not control the outcome. For instance I hate casinos and gambling. Absolutely abhor it if I’m spending my own money. I can’t see losing money that I could spend on a great pair of shoes on a game of chance (that I truthfully feel is rigged anyway). This is where me and my dad bump heads (lol I love that man), he always tells me I’m scary (which he knows is the best way to get me to do something….I ain’t never scared). But I just don’t get how people get enjoyment out of it. I’d rather spend my time looking for that perfect pair of shoes that when I wear them my heart skips a beat (yep my money, my fetish).

I keep a small group of friends for a reason and if I let you in that’s big. Hey don’t judge me it’s how I control who affects my emotions (yes….I know but look at the title). I am a seriously friendly person but those who are close to me know I have my times when I just don’t want to be bothered. Yes it seems petty and most people try to figure out how I will ever get married and blah blah blah and here’s my response……..THIS ISN’T YOUR LIFE. I’ve learned from past experiences that letting people in before God tells you to can cause a lot of problems. My favorite example Eve and the serpent……think about it if she wasn’t so quick to listen to somebody other than Adam and God the whole fall of Man thing could have been avoided (my opinion, my blog, hush, keep reading and comment at the end). When “new people” all the sudden pop up I need to find out their intentions before I can let them in. I’m not that desperate for attention that I can’t be by myself (hell I don’t think any human can love me more than I love me).

Now this next one has been the hardest for me but considering it’s part of my faith here goes………at times I have to stop myself from telling God my plans for my life (yes….laugh because I am laughing uncontrollably at the moment). Do you know how crazy I know I look trying to tell God (all powerful, all knowing, ever present, all loving….if you need more characteristics just email I’ll help you) how I want Him to run my life? I can just see Him now shaking His head and chuckling. Doesn’t that sound crazy and deranged? Sometimes after I run off my list to God about how I want my day to go I can honestly hear that still voice saying “Are you done silly girl?”

As of recent in my life it was pretty bad because I have been trying to stay in my comfort zone not realizing it’s time for me to get uncomfortable. See that’s the problem I became a control freak to stay comfortable and content with my life, not understanding that this is how you become stagnant and dead. I’ve been stuck for a while and not registering that I’m dying, emotionally and spiritually. Not loving, not living,just existing for the sake of existing. So as I type this I realize that the adventure I have been on was one of death and if I continue on this road of control nothing will come about but stagnation and extinction. That’s what happened to the dodo bird, couldn’t adapt to its surroundings, was too stubborn to change, so the whole species was wiped away. Will I let that be my fate? Do I really want to be the Dodo bird? (if you know me you know what the answers going to be……survival of the fittest and I am one of the fittest!!!!)

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