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He’s Just Not Worth It

This was so awesome……if you’ve been through it then you know the feeling. Hold your heas, stick your chest out and strut, because your worth is not tied to anyone but yourself. I want to thank you for posting this.

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Another Mancation

Well let’s do this again…..I did it in 2012 and now it’s time for another one. I need to get my focus back without any distractions. I have a lot of things I need to accomplish in the next three years. The last time I did this I ended up in a relationship at the end. Not this one….the goal is to make sure I gain a new sense of self. I’m starting now and plan on ending in December (family cruise!!!)

Here are the rules:

1. No serious dates.

2. I will not give any of my contact information to anyone new.

3. Those who I have erased and they feel the need to contact me will not be getting a response.

4. Anytime I think about going against the mancation rules I have to do 20 pushups.

5. Those who are able to contact me will be on a 10 minute limit. If they can’t get it out in 10 minutes then the conversation is meaningless.

I hereby promise to stick to these rules, if not I plan on having some very fabulous arms by December and in time for our family cruise.

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TAAAADAAAAA…….

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Tada!!!! Why have we stopped saying that when we do something awesome? Like when a three year old does it with simple things we give them the biggest round of applause (I mean seriously kid everyone takes a poop in the potty, you’re not special). We have celebrated so much marginal behavior (yeah I said ya kid ain’t special) that we overlook the amazing things we accomplished in our adult lives.

Every time you pay your house note you should run to your driveway and yell “TADA!!!!” as loud as possible.  When you get your kids dressed, fed, dropped off to school on time and you make it to work on time, you should get out of your car and yell “TADAAAAA!!!” in the parking lot of your job. Yeah this might freak the people around you out but you’ll have the biggest smile on your face and your day will probably go a whole lot better.

Well…..I’m doing mine right now…..TAAAADAAAA!!! Yessssssssss lol for my 33rd birthday I was able to drop all my “stress/life” weight that I gained over what I call “the 3 years from hell”. You name it, it happend. The culmination was the blood clot and a stay in the hospital.  I lost my mind and myself for a minute but this summer I got it back. So I owe myself a freaking TADA and I feel great about it lol. The picture in the orange was never posted by me….actually I never posted any pictures from that birthday and you see why.

So with that being said, make sure you find and give yourself a TADA moment every now and then. Celebrate your amazing moments even if no one else will. Find some thing even if it’s a simple every day thing to make you celebrate because the fact that you are here, alive and kicking is reason enough to jump up and give God some glory 🙂

Ladies and Gentleman…..Nikki Giovanni

So why didn’t I know about this fabulous poet until recent? Omg!!! Fell in love after reading one poem. I have life lol

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Afreakingmazing!! This one poem spoke more to my soul than any”selfhelpgetoverdramatolivearegularlife” book could ever give me. So i bought her book of love poems and I’ll read a poem a night to keep the idea of love in a positive light and chase away the doubt.

Good night loves 🙂

I really don’t want to write until……

I really don’t want to write until I get over this break up. I don’t want this to be a whole “moment” or a “significant point” in my life. I don’t want to give it the energy it’s trying to take out of me, especially since it’s my birthday week. But maybe if I write about the things I miss about being in a relationship it will help me move the hell on with life:

  1. I miss having someone other than my family or best friend’s to share my significant events with. Maybe it’s the fact that someone else out there cares enough about me, that makes me feel connected with the world. Birthdays, first day with faculty, the new shoes I just bought lol you know the real important stuff.
  2. I miss caring about someone so deeply. Yes I know I have my friends and family. Please believe I will go to war for them, but I’m supposed to. But to have someone whose not related or bound to you by your mutual love for shoes and MMXXL (figure it out, it’s a movie, and I’m trying to stop others from judging), that’s something different. To allow someone to let your guard down (especially mine, I’m freaking guarded like Fort Knox) to the point that you put them in the category of your shoe loving, print watching, socially awkward friends is a serious act of……. hell an act of Congress lol.
  3. I miss having someone have my back. Like this world is so crazy, you never know what or who people ate these days. It’s nice to wake up and know someone in this big old world has your back and supports you. Also someone who will check you when you need it. Yes my family does it but it’s always good to get an outsiders point of view.

Ok I feel a little better. I don’t understand why things happen and end but they do. I read that you have to let go of something to pave the way for better. So i promised myself I wouldn’t focus on the negative look at the positive and continue to push forward. I mean what’s the worst that can happen? I stay single, travel the world, and become a philanthropist? Or I could find the love of my life, get married, have two mini people and be happy?  Either way sounds good to me 🙂

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*I’m in my new classroom*

Can I run away……

Can’t breathe…..shoulders tense….can’t sleep at night. I want to run away….

Away from the headaches and stress. Away from the pain and torment. I want to run away as fast as possible.

That’s not going to happen. I start a new job, new requirements, new team, new chance to start over, but all I can think about is running away. I should be happy, excited, thrilled, but instead I’m having migraines and bs panic attacks.  What is wrong with me? my_panic_attacks____by_criminal_defect-d32kl9v

F.O.E…..

F.O.E= family over everything! Man when I tell yall this is my family….. if I had any questions in my mind if this was true, this trip proved it. My family will go to war together and for each other. To say they have my back would be an understatement, they’ve got my front, back, head to toe and side to side. They tell me when I’m wrong, when I’m right, when I’m acting crazy, and when I need to shake it off. This trip came at the right time. Yes, I went through a break up (I’m getting over it please believe) but I’ve been letting it eat me up inside. So much so I lost myself. Lost my smile, my disruptive personality, my joy….blah, blah, blah. To my family I bring the “sunshine” lol I am literally the party animal of the family. It’s okay I accept my role, that’s who I am in life. The disrupter, the person who hates a quiet room full of people, the one always making noise, making people smile and giving my daddy a reason to say “girl it’s something wrong with you” and chuckle.

Oh but this trip…..I am ashamed to say I brought a person who I have never seen in my life. This person was grade A, top quality, Queen Biayotch of the east. She had a broom stick, an ugly sneer, and a tongue that could cut like a sword. The only time I was a glimmer of myself was at the beach on Key West, but at dinner I was back to being Queen Biayotch of the west (changed directions lol). My family brought me back to myself. My fabulous little sister told on me (yep she told her 20 year old self told on my 32 year old grown behind) after a blow up (yes for those who know me I blew the freak up, crazy right?). My mama and daddy helped me straighten up, and everyone else just loved me through the process. They didn’t tell me I didn’t have a right to be angry, but they did let me know I couldn’t let it turn me into someone I’m not.

See, that’s what I’m talking about. To me family doesn’t let you continue throwing temper tantrums. They don’t let you become a shadow of yourself. No matter what’s going on, who hurt you, who died, who left, sickness, health, it doesn’t matter, they bring you back to your natural essence. Why? Because they know and love the real you, not the masks we put on to fool people. If you don’t have a family like this, don’t worry you can join mine (like for real we love everybody). They are my support, my thermometer, my reality check! F.O.E definitely equals family over anything.

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*It’s more than this, but they went on the trip with me*

Endless Possibilities…….

As I sit in the deck, relaxing, drinking a fun ship special, watching the waves slowly move past the boat (jealous yet lmbo) I realized that in the past 3 years I limited my endless possibilities. You know those things that you tell yourself you can do because you are Superwoman (or She Hulk in my case)? Those goals and challenges that you were so sure you could take on no matter who’s with you. Well I limited myself…. why? Just life: deaths, life, sickness, relationships, friendships, you name it, it has happened to me. Life for the past 3 years has tried to kick my perfectly round and high behind (calling things into existence…. He knows my heart lol), and this year was almost the straw that broke this camel’s back. But I know what I’m shooting for with the rest of this life that I have. I’m going to live by my endless possibilities.

1. I realize I want to be married.  Even though I’m comfortable in my singleness, and I love myself, it would be nice to get married. It took a break up to help me see what I really want. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to get married for the sake of getting married (baby please believe this one is too fine to be desperate), I truly want someone who is as supportive to me as I am to them. I want someone who can make decisions by looking at the bigger picture and not just the uncomfortable situation that’s being faced at that moment. I don’t need need protection (She Hulk status)but it would be nice to be protected. I want stability, hell I can make enough compulsive decisions for the both of us, but I crave some thing that is always sure.

2. I want to make a difference in my community. The great thing about this is my best friend’s and my circle of influence won’t let me ever get distracted from this (thanks Quin!!). With so much going on in the world our kids are getting distracted. Can you blame them? There is no direction, no guidance, no one to point them in the right direction. Never knocking the awesome parents of the world,  but I do believe it takes a village. I love my community, I love how creative we are, how by adding just a tad of our ability can make something a that much better. We have to come together not just when there is injustice but also when things seem like they are status quo. That’s when it’s really needed.

3. Lord….I may kick myself after I write this but…..I WANT KIDS (ughhhhhhhh!!!!) Okay yes I want a mini me or him lol. Not going to go any further with this one (yes I am and I want to be married when it happens).

4. Last but not least,  I am not limited to my thoughts. It happens to everyone we have a shift in life and our thought process shifts to adapt to the new situation. Well I guess 10 days in the hospital and 15 days off work can shift anyone’s thought process. Mine went from reckless abandonment to little Miss Careful Susie. I’ve always had the faith to love life to the fullest, but a blood clot will have you rethink life. Will I die in my sleep? What if they can’t find the cause? How long could I survive if I couldn’t teach or be an educator (it’s my passion)? What if he doesn’t want me anymore? All these what ifs and only about 2 actually happened, and guess what….I survived them! Being careful didn’t change a thing. Being Miss Careful Susie only made my life boring and gray for the past 6 months. That one life changing situation made me understand that I can’t control a thing that happens in life so why not live with limitless, endless possibilities? 20150727_135328 20150727_124826

If I’m such a good woman then…..

I’m tired of hearing this statement which is always followed by some type of bad news “You’re such a good woman”…..like the first part of that statement is going to make me feel great about what follows.

“…. Why are you single?” Really….. you really want me to answer that okay……I have three legs…..no, no that’s not it maybe it’s because I snore…..no, no wait maybe it’s my three degrees, a career, house, and no kids (not putting down my single mothers….. yall rock for real). Don’t you think if I knew I wouldn’t be single? How about you ask God and see what He says….. right. No don’t walk away offended, it’s a stupid way to ask someone why they are single. Feelings hurt? Oh well mine were too by that question.

“…..I don’t deserve you”….. well now who does? Oh I get it’s the good old “build up to let down”. Make someone feel good about themselves when you have to deliver bad news. That’s funny but realize it makes no sense. If I were so good then I could help bring you to the level you want to reach, but the reality is you don’t want to achieve that level of excellence.  You do realize that now you have set a standard for yourself to fall below the level you think you’re good enough for. Smh foolishness…..it’s the equivalent of saying “it’s not you it’s me”! Boy if you don’t get that crap outta here.

And last but not least my favorite……”I don’t know why I didn’t stay”. Really….. really!?!? Oh so you figured this out after you married or had a baby with the one you knew was below your level. Now you’re having regrets…. sir I laugh at your foolishness. You sneak and go through all your old phone records, fb meessages, twitter, whatever to look up my phone number to bother me with your regrets. Really? That’s all I can think to say. But being the person I am, I listen and give you advice to help your relationship out, why? Because I would want someone to do the same for me. Because I have faith that everyone still has some type of good in them to help others workout their situations.

Maybe that’s what makes me such a “good woman” my faith. My faith in God that He knows exactly what I need in my life. Every experience, every relationship, every trial and tribulation. I know that God has a plan for our lives and everything we go through will workout for our good in the end. And since it’s not the end I know my good is coming. 20150717_082616-1-1

*I love this shirt :)*

I Want a Forever Kind of Love…..

So i am now the single girl that’s not in a relationship. I’m in the process of moving forward with the rest of my life, because that’s what you do move forward. But I’m still baffled by the whole thing. How can someone say they have your back one moment turn around and place your whole life in danger and make you feel like the situation was your fault? How does someone reject encouragement and faithfulness? Okay….I need to bring it back because this is not what I want to talk about (woosahing…. breathing…. living)

Back to the nature at hand (shout out Dr.Dre)…I really do want a forever kind of love. Not that googly eye, heart flutter, leg melting thing. That’s all based on emotions, things that wear off. That’s all temporary the excitement of something new. Some people thrive off this and end up jumping from relationship to relationship. They don’t have the maturity,  emotional or spiritual deepness to get past this point. Think about your Middle school/high school crush…… (oh Lord I remember mine)…. think about the feeling you had as he walked down the hallway. He probably gave you a quick greeting that made you feel like you were going to absolutely melt that moment. Now fast forward to your 10 year reunion….. did you feel the same way? Hell I didn’t….. zero emotion whatsoever, it wasn’t ever deep. Just so superficial (and I’m pretty sure he didn’t look the same).

I want that married for 65 years type of love. That love that lasts through infinity and time. That love that you don’t ever have to question no matter what you’ve been through. Im over the emotions and games people play. Anybody can love when things are new and fresh, but can you do it when I don’t understand you? Can you do it when I know you have to make a hard decision that’s doesn’t bring comfort to either one of us? Can you do it when your back is against the wall? That’s the forever type of love I’m looking for. Yes I’m putting pressure on the next one. I don’t want my heart to be played with. So if you don’t want what I want please don’t play games or be a pretender….. life is too short to not live it the way you want.

Love you guys 🙂

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