Be Soft and Whole

Hey yall hey🤗 first off I want to give an honor to God who is the joy of my life. He’s given me so many opportunities, opened and closed so many doors, been with me through EVERYTHING and I just thank Him for it. Second, I want to thank the ones that have been rolling with me from the beginning, I just recently realized that this is my third year anniversary of my blog and I have had some faithful readers. Thank you from the bottom of my little heart for either reading to be nosey or reading for enjoyment, you have kept the stats rolling.

Umm….okay here we go. This is another touchy blog but I’m just going to do what I do. So my little sister posted a poem by Neon Soul called Soft and Whole, and it made me pause and think about life. I have tried so hard my whole life to not be seen as weak and vulnerable. I have always fought against labels as sweet, soft, open, etc. anything that would make others view me as anything other than strong was a negative.

But I now know I’ve been fighting in vain. No matter how much I try I still realize I’m soft. I still cry at certain parts in movies. I still love to spoil kids when necessary. I still treat my students like they are my top priority because they are my babies. I get happy at wedding proposals. I act like a big kid around my parents (in a good way….. not a spoiled way).My boyfriend makes me feel like a delicate little flower even though I can still bench press 235 lbs and squat well over 300lbs (I swear I have super powers).I’m at a point where I just don’t want to fight against it anymore. I don’t want to carry heavy things if I don’t have to. I don’t want to have to be physically AND mentally string all the time. So call me what you want yeah I’m soft, but please remember I will always bring these hands when needed and necessary.

Yep I’m a big mushy head….. but I’m still cute though❤

I’m letting it go Sis….

Hey y’all HEY!!! First I just want to toot my own horn and say YAAAASSSSS!!!! I have officially written three weeks in a row. Child when I set my mind to do something (good or bad) oh I gets it done. Secondly I want to praise God for the fact that I have less than 40 days left of this school year. For some reason this year has tested my will and my to do. From the look of my social media time line, so are the rest of my teacher friends. I don’t know if it’s the way we started the school year off (Harvey…..enough said) or it’s just the fact that it’s time for educational reform (this just might be my way into a doctoral degree……..and that’s a BIG MIGHT!!) but whatever it is I’m so ready for the end of it.

Okay let’s talk about letting the trash of life go. I’m not talking about that ex that did you horribly wrong and you feel like you just need to throw the whole dude away like he was never born (Sis I know the feeling….don’t worry I addressed that in an earlier post). No I’m talking about all the times you messed up and disappointed someone, you missed the mark that someone set for you, you slept with that person, you drank that drink, you did whatever you did knowing that it went against someone else’s idea for your life. Look I know about this all too well because I feel like I am the Queen of the let downs.

Don’t get me wrong when I do right and hit it out the park that ball goes for miles but the same goes for when I mess up……that dang ball goes on for miles (what can I say…..I don’t know how to do things on a small-scale). I’m writing all this to say I let the way I disappointed people in the past shape the steps I have taken in my present and toward my future. I have always felt and others have made me feel as though my mistakes, times I have misspoke, things I have typed, choices that I have made have disqualified me from continuing to accomplish the plan that God has for my life. As I continue to live I understand that all of those things, all of that foolishness, all the missteps are what have shaped me into the 35-year-old I am today.

SO TONIGHT I AM WRITING TO SAY: YEAH I DID ALL THAT AND MORE!!! Judge ya mama. I’m tired of letting people look at me like I’m not worthy enough to fit in the inner circle. I’m tired of people holding mistakes I’ve made ten years ago over my head and making me wear a scarlet A. I may not have turned out like you expected me to but DEAR GOD I’M HERE (thank you Alice Walker for the best quotes of my life). Your approval means nothing to me anymore. Making you proud is no longer on my list of accomplishments. Either you get behind me and support me or you can officially watch this train roll on. Your ideas of me will no longer hold me hostage.

And here I thought I looked like a burnt piece of bacon

Saying YES…..(not what you’re thinking)

Happy April!!! So after my last blog I have decided to get my life. 35 will not defeat me. So I am going to start taking care of me. Per my last post (yes…please say it like you’re typing someone in an email “per my last email 😑😑”) I am going to be a little more selfish and start focusing on Me and saying yes to Me. I have a plan…. guess I can share it because maybe one of y’all will keep me accountable.

I had to go into my war room (aka my car….. hush your face I pray where I want) this morning and ask God for some help (Nothing will move you more than a dream of you dying…*shutters*). So in my dream last night I died. I literally felt the life leave my body and woke up coughing. It wasn’t the death that scared me more than feeling like I was going to leave this world and no one would notice or care (sorry if this is morbi but…..).Nothing scares me more than dying and not having anything accomplished and no these 3 degrees are not accomplishments to me (and I don’t care what you and ya mama think about it). I felt that in my dream last night. That my hopes and dreams had ended before I could ever get them started….but let me NOT digress. This plan, let’s talk about it.

1. I’m going to read more. My passion for reading has been killed by the distraction of everything. I love reading but as of lately I haven’t been able to read anything except lesson plans and dumb quizzes on facebook. I’m going to start by actually reading Shonda Rhimes Year of Yes. Why this book…. because I forgot how yo say Yes to myself.

2. In May I’m attending a conference called Women Winning at Work, and yes I bought a VIP ticket because I am saying Yes to myself. I really want to be more productive in my career, not only that, I want to be more productive in my endeavers outside my career. I feel this conference will not only push me to achieve better but will light a fire under my feet to get on the good foot (let’s go sugar foot!!!)

3. I am listening to more podcasts and doing my homework. Living in fear of backlash is keeping me from moving forward with something that could be amazing for me. It’s time for me to start pushing myself out in the public eye a little more. I mean yes I’ve done this as an athlete and a coach but I feel that at some point I need to known as this person I am at this minute. I’m not going to be ashamed of mistakes in the past or mistakes in the future, because someone may actually need to hear my story.

4. The book WILL BE DONE BY JUNE. No further explanation needed for that.

Hopefully my few and faithful will continue to push me. HOPEFULLY they haven’t lost faith in me like I have for myself, but if they did I am going to give them something to believe in one more time.

Little razzle dazzel for the one time ❤

What if I could just….

Hey kids… look at me!! I’m trying to be consistent with my writing again, so post 2 for the month of March deserves a big Taaadaaaa!!! Okay I’m pretty sure at this moment I’m forgetting to do something important but I’m writing and so this take precedent at the moment.

I’m stuck on this being 35 thing. I swear most days I feel like everything is on fire and I’m trying to figure out what’s the most important thing to put out first (because it’s honestly too much thought to focus on putting the whole fire out). I am exhausted trying to find the most important things to focus on and with each day I feel as though I’m running out of time.

So what’s most important? What or who do I focus on the most? I don’t know…. so any suggestions would be helpful. Because right now I’m overweight, over stressed, over anxious and over worked. I want to focus on creating this brand but I always feel I’m talking to no one. Like my ideas for Confessions from a Red Couch are so great but life just keeps happening. If I could just focus maybe life would be different but for now I’m going to keep driving myself crazy while everything feels like it’s burning down around me.

That blue though 💋

Braiding chair confessions

This has been the first time I’ve had time to sit and type since the beginning of the year. I had a whole plan to do a re-launch of my blog and book this year and then guess what happened…..LIFE! Life hit me like a ton of bricks at the beginning of this year and I’m so glad that today is a new day. Thank goodness I can start over and return to the plan at hand but until then let’s talk about some things.

Okay in this season I’m learning how to forgive and be forgiven. I’m too old to hold grudges or even think about holding one. I’m at a point where instead cutting everyone off, I need to understand everyone’s actions aren’t done to spite me. I’m realizing that everyone makes mistakes and the mistakes that aren’t detrimental to my health or well being can be forgiven and moved past. I don’t want to be that woman that can’t have healthy relationships with people. I don’t want to be that mean spiteful lady that no one wants to get close to. I just want to love and be loved, without judgement or alterior motives.

I will never be perfect. I’ve tried it and it gets me in more trouble than just being myself. I’m learning how to be more truthful about my faults. I procrastinate, I hate it when things aren’t done my way, I know I’m supposed to see things as black and white but I can’t. Because of all these things I do things that everyone can’t understand. But I do know I’m loyal and I will put everyone else’s needs above mine. It’s who I am. I choose to accept my faults and others. If I know I’m not perfect I can’t expect anyone else to meet some ridiculous standard I have set.

I’m learning to listen to people to hear them and not just to give a response. I want to hear what people are saying now instead of just defending my point. We are so caught up with trying to make sure we say what we need to say that we can’t HEAR what people are trying to communicate. Just a bunch of noise…..that’s all I hear is noise when people talk. I’m tired of noise.

All this to say 35 is forcing me to grow up. I don’t want to participate in childish games anymore. It’s tiring and making me look old and put on stress weight. I just want to live and let live. Love without parameters and enjoy those who want to be enjoyed.

Ghosted…..

Hey kids!! I haven’t been as active as I wanted to this year but I’m going to do a better job next year. I am excited for this year coming up. Great relationship, new career moves and I’ll be done with my book (thank God!!!)

Dating tip: Nobody is ever too busy to see you. They’ll make time for what’s important. Don’t play yourself….move around and be happy❤

We’ve all been there you’re talking to someone, getting a pretty good vibe, you go on a couple of dates, phone conversations are amazing, you are feeling like this person could help you end the crazy cycle of dating. But then it happens…. phone calls are less frequent, text messages turn into one word responses and then….out no where…*puff* that person disappears.

Now look there’s a whole bunch of reasons this could happen: they were in between choosing you and someone else, they realized you wanted more than they could give, you said something that threw the vibe off… etc. To be honest I’ve been on both sides of this and I have ghosted men for far more petty reasons than this (if you contact me before 7 am on the weekend or holiday break I can’t roll with you). Either way it’s not a great feeling and only a sociopath would be okay with ghosting (only you can prevent sociopathic tendencies)…..so consider this a guide to get over being ghosted.

1. It really isn’t you….I promise it’s them….

Now look as much as you want to try to figure out whats wrong with you and how could you have done anything different….well you can’t/couldn’t. It’s a process the “ghost” has to walk themselves through. The only thing you can ever control in this brief blip in your dating life yourself. As long as you were your authentic self there is nothing you could have done differently. So don’t think if you change who you are then it will help the next time because well it won’t. Continue to be the beautiful light that you are and you will be recognized.

2. Set your boundaries

You need to make sure you have” hard nos” to safeguard yourself. When you set boundaries it will help you avoid ghosting. Now this doesn’t mean the person will pick you to date but it will help you make sure the boundaries you set for yourself aren’t violated.

3. Moving forward……

Okay now look dating sucks especially in today’s society. Hell it seems like “let’s just see what happens” is the new title for relationships these days. It keeps one foot in and one foot out, this is what makes ghosting so easy. But you don’t have to go with the flow, move forward expecting a real grown up relationship (guess this goes with number 2). You will either end up in a real life realtionship or continue being the best single person you can be. Either way make sure you are happy and content with the life that you are going to continue to live.

4. Do not expect closure…..create it for yourself.

The ghost will never give you the closure you feel you deserve (I promise this was the best advice I received from a man). There is nothing anyone can say to help you move on, it has to be your choice. Will you move forward or will you continue to harp on something you can’t change? My advice is to forgive yourself and move on. The world is too big and filled with too many amazing people to just worry about one.

I’m not saying any of this will protect you from future ghost but it will help you to continue to be the most fabulous light that people will ever encounter. Just keep living and moving and I can guarantee you can make this the best life ever.

Who is Your God?

Just a small deviation from the usual but here goes….

Who is your God?
My God is one who loves unconditionally
Who doesn’t care about color, denomination, money or sex.

Who is your God?
We speak on one nation under God indivisible
But you and your cohorts serve a god who only cares about your money
Your experiences
Your families
Your communities
Houses set on high

Who is you God?
My God is the one who suffers the children
Gives beauty for ashes
He takes care of the sick
And cares enough to feed the birds of the fields

Who is your God?
Your god seems to only protect you and those who look like you.
Your god cares about protecting your way of life.
Your god would rather make a quick million than to help woman and children.
Your god has no name, it has no purpose.
It is a symbol of your greed and self righteousness.

See God is not a respector of person
He created ways when there is no way
He makes sure the teenage mother completes her education so she doesn’t stay on assistance.
He blesses the terminally ill with the right doctor and now she can enjoy her children.

My God is El SHADDAI
He is the one who comforts me when I watch the news and see someone who looks like me dies in the street

My God is Elohim
He is the one who gave me strength when I wanted give up each and everyday.

My God is the one who loves all, is all and will be all.
My God is, was and is to come.
He is the one who waits quietly while we do our own thing.
Still loving us and protecting us….
Patiently waiting…
He’s the one!!!

But I ask you again….Who is your God?

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That’s my Mama right there ❤

 

 

 

Dreams…..

A 6 months ago I had a dream that literally was screaming for me to move forward. No matter how much I feel my old issues are resolved they sneak up subconsciously to torment me.
In this dream I am mourning the loss of a relationship and refusing the possibility of a new one. All my exes encircled me and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I was so confused considering I know most probably hate me, but then something caught my eye. Each ex wore a shirt that had a list as to why we could never be together. Insecurity, luster, greed, envy, shame, doubt, weak, angry….all were valid reasons….all reasons why we could never fit the puzzle pieces together. You can never force a round peg into a square hole (yeah I know I reversed it). I could never reduce myself enough to make them feel important enough to be with me.
So I woke up prayed, moved forward, and let go.

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Smiles are genuine

God Ain’t Through With Me Yet But…….

 

Hey Loves! It’s November and I have actively decided to sit this year’s cuffing season out. Just too much I need to accomplish by the end of next and truthfully I don’t want any distractions. As much as I miss a constant companion, snuggling when it gets cool at night, getting my booty rubbed until I fall asleep (yep I said it…..don’t judge me) and a whole slew of other things you do when your cuffed…. I just can’t at the moment. God ain’t through with me yet.

There’s still things that I need to get right before I can even enter into another relationship. And yeah people think I’m great and my character is amazing but there are great qualities of my character that I am just now mastering. I have a big heart….I give too much. I am learning to master that. I am very empathetic to others situations so much so that I will allow it to affect my mental being. I have to work on that. My love runs deep, so deep that at times it makes me uncomfortable. I have to work on that. Each of these qualities have been abused by myself or someone else. But as I said before God ain’t through with me, I’m working on it. I am learning how not to let people take advantage of me and in the process make sure that I don’t become hard-hearted and bitter.

Here’s an example…..
DISCLAIMER: Yes this actually happened to me and no I’m not throwing them under the bus. Just my experience…….

The other night I received a dm (I swear I’m unplugging from social media in January) from someone I blocked due to me allowing them to abuse my kind soft heart (notice I have taken full responsibility…..you see how I did that). Now my soft heart allowed me to call that person, while blocking my number (*67 still works), just because I was hoping they had changed for the better, but I got the exact opposite……it was a phone call of manipulation. Another phone call to talk sweet and work their way in, and my response……….nothing. I wasn’t moved. My emotions weren’t touched. I felt no resentment, no hate, no bitterness, no nothing. I responded to his situation without belittling him and hung the phone up. I received a nasty text message after the phone call and still I had no response. I once again hit the block button and decided to move forward with life.

All this to say I’m living and growing. I refuse to stumble into another relationship blindly just because I don’t want to be lonely. I have to make sure I change, grow and become secure in myself before I can join into a partnership. God ain’t through with me yet…..

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Yeah I can get spiffy when I want to……

What is your WHY……

Happy April! This morning as I was sitting through another meeting about building relationships and helping students develop into functioning adults (Lord knows we need more of those because somega people out there….). During the presentation they played a clip of Buster Douglas fighting Mike Tyson that talked about his WHY. His WHY for not giving up even though he was knocked down. His WHY for continuing to deliver hits even thigh he was the underdog.  His WHY for brevet giving up!!! (I’m not going to spoil it but watch the link below)

Now me being the extra sensitive 30 something year old that I am had to leave the room to shed a few tears because it was so touching. Truthfully I think I was crying because I think I’ve lost my WHY. Through the years it’s been family, my little sister, my students, my athletes,  young black women of the world…..etc. but now I don’t know.

Actually I think my WHY has shifted. Now it seems my focus and my actions are more so pleasing myself and God. I’ve been the “good little church girl” and the “responsible first born”. Those roles were fine and have helped push me into the woman I am today but now…..now what do I do?

Most women go through this transition in life. Our WHY motivation is so focused on taking care of others around us that we forget we are our biggest motivation. When it all comes down to the get down if it’s not for us, then who is it really for. Seeing others happy and taken care of others brings us joy, but what happens when the kids grow up, the students graduate, and people die? A shift has to be made,  you have to be your biggest WHY. You have to understand without you being that why nothing else really matters.

Today I vow to make myself my WHY. I plan to set goals that will please me and God only. I feel some good things are happening soon, but not to make anyone else proud. Just focusing on myself for now 🙂

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I think this dress is going to make me happy 😊