#Lessonlearned: Improving dating In the 21st Century

I know….I know! You’re thinking “Girl aren’t you married” and “This has nothing to do with improving any type of relationships”. But, let’s think about the purpose of dating apps, they are supposed to deliver potential partners to singles in their area What you really get is a modge podge of foolishness. If dating apps did what they advertise then we would have more successful relationships. Instead you get a site that allows con artists, criminals, creeps, perverts and the like to prey on those who are just looking for suitable companions. Yes….why yes, I have had my fair share of foolishness on dating app (check out the post When did the Roles Reverse).This is my way of telling dating apps and sites that they need to do better!

Automatic background checks

This headline alone says it all: Dating App Killer . He used a popular dating site to lure unsuspecting women in, and well you can read about the rest. The issue is he had a past of violence against women. I feel that in order to cut down on issues like this there should be a link to a county’s arrests records. Sounds Big Brother-ish, but this will cut down on the amount of criminal activity that can happen when using dating apps. And it’s already avaliable for free!

Marital status check

Read these words as I type: STAY OFF DATING APPS IF YOU ARE MARRIED!!!! Aht aht!! Stop dating while married. You’re ruining it for the rest of the single folks and giving them trust issues. If you want to cheat they have an app for that, use that one. Stop it!! Dating apps can link county records to find marriage and divorce decrees. I am just now figuring this out, and it could have saved me a lot of frustration when I was in the dating game.

Employment/ entrepreneurial status

I understand employment status should not mean you can’t date. If you don’t have to work, that’s one thing. If all you have to offer is penis or vagina, then you should really just focus on yourself. There should be a way to check this. If there is a way to check someone’s living situation you can definitely check who they say they are employed with, or even if they have a valid DBA.

5 latest post on social media

In this day and age social media is a great indicator of someone’s personality. Yes, I know you are thinking people aren’t their true selves on social media, but it does give you a glimpse into the way their mind works. Seeing a person’s social media can help you see a persons interests or if they are just posers (fake woke, extreme right, sexist, etc).

Rating system after each date

I don’t know how fair this would be, nor do I care. I think you should be able to rate the person honestly after the first encounter. Of course, it would be based on certain criteria, and then there should be an overall experience rating. If you’ve watched the show Four Weddings then you know what I’m talking about. The people with the lowest ratings get kicked off the app. I don’t care some people just shouldn’t date.
You have to do a little searching on your own. Be diligent about who you date and what you’re getting yourself into.
Resource Link: Harris County Records

#LessonsLearned I Failed at….

 

 

Happy April!! I have missed you guys since the last post. But here we are back together again. I want to talk about something that very few of us like to talk about. Failure!!! The big F word. I wrote an earlier post about recovering from failure. Failure can be a driving factor to succeed or to do nothing. Most of the times we run from failure because it’s not fun to say we didn’t get the desired outcome. failure is the biggest teacher in life. It has taught me so many lessons, most were quiet and no one really noticed. Some were public and embarrassing. What I have learned is this, when you fail it’s not the end of the world. So here are some areas where I royally blew it and how it taught me to succeed and do better.

Failure at Explaining myself

A long time ago I felt it was necessary to explain my intentions. I wanted people to hear why I did xyz and what my emotional, physical and metaphysical reasoning for a decision that had nothing to do with anybody but me. I felt I needed the world to know my intentions for my every move. You know what happened…..I was still misunderstood. People would still get their panties in a bunch or twist my words to seem negative.
So I stopped. I started making moves without answering others questions. Writing this blog, my move. Starting a podcast….my move. It was liberating. I stopped worrying what people were thinking about my decisions and actions and just started living. It helped me to make important without asking for permission. I guess this leads into the next one…..

Failure at Living up to others expectations

Lord knows I tried my hardest to fit into boxes others molded for my life. I really did, but it wasn’t comfortable. It always felt a pair of shoes that were ill fit. Just felt odd, like I was wearing a mask. It wasn’t until one day I looked in the mirror and cried because I didn’t like what I saw in the mirror. I was uptight, stressed, and closed minded. How could I love anybody else if I didn’t love myself enough to be myself?
I began to take suggestions about how and what I should have been doing with a grain of salt. Sure I have the degrees and titles but what would be the purpose of acting like I was better than anyone I was trying to serve? So I began to make sure that I was happy with who I was to myself and others. Did I care if I met others’ expectations…nope. This is my life to live not theirs, and I am going to live it being true to myself.

Failure at Checking and responding to email

This one may not seem as deep as the others but let me help you out. Important information comes through my personal, work and business email daily. If I don’t check either one with consistency AND follow up it could mean loss of a sponsor, missed parent/student communication, missed opportunities, and the worst missed money. I actually lost a job because I didn’t follow up with an email. Yes missed money all because I didn’t take the time out to read.
Now I check my email three times a day. I make sure I follow up with my school’s administration, my parents, my readers/listeners, and other opportunities. As of now some of those don’t pan out but the majority of the time they do. So I make it a point to employ a 24 hour rule when it comes to email communication. I flag unanswered emails and make sure they are priority. The age we are in now, email is a vital part of effective communication. I will never drop the ball like that again.

What have you failed at that has made you more successful now? Please comment the lessons you have learned from failure. I love to know what you have done to progress into a better person.

 

#lessonslearned The Self Abuse Stops Here

Hey kids and welcome to the New Year!!!! We are fabulously floating into the 2nd month of the year and everything is just amazing. Let me tell you between getting married (yea I OFFICIALLY have a husband…tuh ), seeing the love from all of our family and and launching a podcast things seems to be looking up. But honestly because of my personality and thought process I’m waiting for a the sky to fall or something horrible to happen. Why because god forbid that HE, meaning God, loves me that much to just be freaking happy. But I have to remind myself that God really does love me THAT much and I really do deserve to be happy.

That leads to today’s topic…..Self abuse: beating yourself down because you failed or didn’t meet a goal or you just don’t think you deserve to be as happy as you are at the moment. As you can see I am guilty of this. Why….I don’t actually know. But here are ways I combat it…..
1. I forgive myself- doesn’t even matter if I did someone wrong or if I missed a deadline. I forgive myself and move on to the next task.
2. I improve self talk- no need to call myself a failure and stay in a place of self imposed shame. Nope I think about things I did correct in the situation and focus on that. Instead talking down on myself I tell myself “Hey ot may have not turned out the way you wanted it to but guess what you handled this, this and this a lot better than what you would have in the past”. See make the switch from negative to positive.
3. I implement positive rewards for positive behaviors but I don’t punish myself for mistakes. Yep I give myself a pat on the back for the positives. That goes along with #2.
4. I make myself move forward whether things go right or wrong. No need to wallow in the past, whether it happened 5 years ago or 5 minutes, I have to keep progressing.
I found that stopping self abuse helped me understand that everyone isn’t perfect, I gained a lot of patience and it helped me to find the good in others. Treat yourself better, the world is already hard enough. Why make it harder by abusing yourself?

Check out the Confessions From A Red Couch podcast bimonthly on every major listening platform.

#Lessonlearned Confessions from the life of a Former Control Freak

Hey kids!!! I’m back from one of the greatest experiences in my life. I married my best friend and gained even more amazing family. Goodness the amount of love I felt on that day was just indescribable. It’s funny that it was only about 3 years ago when I thought I could never feel or would never allow myself to feel the love that I feel every single day now. It took some time, work, and prayer to get me to where I am today. Please believe I am so happy I’m here.

Okay, for all this “growth” let’s talk about where I came from. Not because I want to dwell in the past but I want to remember where I never want to go back to.

My life as a control freak or the politically correct term “type A personality” was absolutely full of umm stress and anxiety. It was utterly exhausting trying to control every single thing around me. At times I knew I looked like a crazy woman. Always trying to control my family to do what I wanted. Always wanting my students and athletes to be the best EVEN if it meant not giving an inch to let them actually have fun (well not my athletes…I made sure they had a good time 🤷🏾‍♀️ call me biased).

I knew changes had to be made and fast. Things were so bad that I couldn’t control my emotions. I could never have the appropriate emotional response to situations. I would laugh when I should have been sad. Instead of expressing my anxiety I would become enraged or just flat out break down. It was so bad I couldn’t even celebrate joyous occasions, always thinking the worst would happen instead of just enjoying the moment.

So here are ways that I began to deal with the control life:

1. I stopped thinking I knew how others would react. The dumbest thing in the world is trying to predict others reactions. You are not them (I had to scream this to myself in the mirror). Everyone is not you and you are not them. How you react to a situation is not the same way someone else will. Stop thinking you can control people’s reactions.

2. Stop making up situations in your head. It’s not reality its your own imagination. If you have a negative way of thinking then chances are EVERY situation you come up with is going to end horribly. For me this is so I wouldn’t get my hopes too high if things didn’t go my way which is utterly ridiculous because nothing has really been a life ending experience. Might not have felt good going through some things but I’m still here.

3. You can’t control people’s feelings about you. I have written a post about not being everybody’s cup of tea and there’s nothing you can do about it. And guess what most times you can’t change it, but it has nothing to do with you. You have to be able to keep on living regardless of the thoughts others have about you.

4. You can only control what you have direct influence over. Your thoughts, your actions, your emotions and your response. That’s it!! You can’t control anything else but this. So why not make sure all of these are filled with positivity, genuineness, truth and love. That’s all you can control.

Once I began living a this truth my life started changing for the better. Do I still have to remind myself of these things….umm yeah. It’s easy to fall back into the same pit falls but I don’t stay in them. I keep moving forward one day at a time.

Life with Him

We did it lol ❤

#Lessonslearned The Ultimate Adulting Gift Giving Guide 2018

Lord somebody save me from the month of December!!! I have 3 more days of classes left and I’m trying to figure out how to get away with wearing hoodies and yoga pants. My only saving grace is that my kids are taking finals (because that’s what high school teachers look forward to giving…said no teacher ever). I’m at this point in life where I’m completely over adulting. It’s overrated!! All of this stuff that’s about to happen in the next couple of months is exciting but chile is too muuuccchhhh. I decided to talk to my friends to see what are some gifts that would make adulting easier.

Ladies and gentlemen I present your ULTIMATE gift giving guide to make adulting a little bit easier.

1. Self care package: this includes candles, face/skin products, bath bombs, bubble bath, essential oils, etc. Anything that will take care of the body and help focus the mind.

2. Journals/organizers: these are amazing to help stay organized, write down goals, thoughts, dreams, memories, important dates, everything that our brains forget because adulting is hard.

3. “ME” Time coupons: If your friends have families these are great for them. 25 min of quiet can go a loooonnnngggg way if you have a husband and kids.

4. For my single friends a steady/reliable cuddle buddy. Not a #$%@ buddy but somebody who will touch them in a NON-SEXUAL way. Touch can be so soothing if done right (please don’t go around touching strangers, ask first 😂😂).

5. Herbal supplements or a trip to Colorado or California 😏 I’m not going any deeper than that.

Anyways, look if you didn’t read anything else read this, CHRISTMAS IS A TIME TO BE WITH FAMILY AND LOVED ONES. Don’t go broke trying to give your way into people’s hearts. They’ll still love you even if you make a smart decision to give them a $1.50 Christmas card, and if they aren’t…%$# ’em🤷🏾‍♀️.

Me avoiding adulting

#lessonslearned Planning a Wedding Is Not My Jam

Here we are on the cusp of October and I’m tired of trying to plan a wedding. I’m not this girl. I’m not even mentally prepared for this whole ordeal. There’s so many other things I can think of to do with this wedding budget. There are other things I can do with this time!! There are other things I can do besides figure out which flowers I’m going to carry down the aisle(which I’m not carrying btw brooch bouquet). I really don’t care honestly. All of this stress for 30 min….I’d rather plan for the rest of eternity that we are going to spend together. So this post is just a rant about the things I’d rather do besides this….

1. I’d rather elope!! Yep I said it. I rather throw on a dope dress and him look dapper in a suit and it’s just us and a few family members who will stand with us.

2. I don’t have anyone who REALLY knows me to bounce ideas around with. I’m busy, their busy, life is busy. I feel like I’m alone in a sea of tasks and I can’t communicate what I want or how I feel. People forget that I haven’t dreamed about this stuff. None of my vision boards, vision statements or anything ever had wedding plans on it. I just never thought this would happen.

3. Why all the hooplah for 30 min? Like for what, I don’t get it.

4. I see why people go to the courthouse and get it out the way.

5. I want to put the money we are saving for this small wedding

into something else; eliminating debt, down payment on a bigger house, a dream trip. You know something for us.

6. I’m tired of trying to drop weight for this day. I just want to be fluffy and fabulous. I’m 36 and this weight seems to want to stay with me so I think I’m just going to let it stay.

7. I’m tired of thinking about tshirts, charms, matching outfits etc for my nonbridesmaids and non participants of the wedding. Like I already didn’t want a wedding party but I feel bad about not getting things for my nonbridesmaids.

8. I honestly don’t want to try on another wedding dress. I hate them!

9. I should be enjoying this process with the women of my family but they have other things to do and I guess since I’m not making it important they aren’t either. Energy matches energy.

10. I honestly just want to lay in my bed huddled under the covers. My anxiety is at an all time high about this whole thing. I thought I was supposed to be happy doing all this right? But I feel like now I’m doing it more to impress other people who aren’t contributing financially to this whole stupid endeavor.

11. Okay last one….I really can’t involve everyone because everybody likes to interject their vision of their wedding into your’s and I don’t want it.

Maybe I’m just emotional because my uterus is trying to escape my body as I type. Or maybe I’m just done. And even with writing this I still think we should elope. I’m over this process. But whatever I guess whatever will happen is going to happen 🤷🏾‍♀️

Here are some pictures from my horrible experience at a chain bridal store. I hated every minute of it. The dresses I liked didn’t come in my size and the dresses in my size aged me almost 10 years. I go to a smaller bridal boutique next weekend that caters to curvy girls. I’m hoping the experience is better.

received_15170795550597978455035258073886724.jpeg

#lessonslearned You Won’t Be Everybody’s Cup of Tea….

Hey Kids!!! Welcome back to the misadventures and fooleries of Confessions From a Red Couch. I am pleased that you have came back for more tales of life, romance, and the in between. Like I’ve said I plan to share my lessons I have learned throughout life. This post is no different. So well let’s begin shall we…..

#lessonslearned: You will never be everybody’s cup of tea!

Now look…I know myself and my personality and I can tell you this, I am not everyone’s cup of tea. I have been talked about, passed over, thrown away, and looked down upon my whole entire life. I’ve been promoted, demoted, and everything in between but I’m still living and loving. Why do I keep progressing? Honey I learned I’m not for everybody and neither are you.

Now I’m not saying that it’s okay to be a butthole (please don’t), it’s not your job to rub people the wrong way on purpose. It’s not okay to treat people with a nasty attitude. It’s not okay to be the negative Nancy or a sobby Susan (sorry if your name is Nancy or Susan, just well alliteration 🤷🏾‍♀️), your job in life is to be the best you you can be inspite of people’s attitudes toward you. This is what I have learned:

Other people’s perception of you are not who you are in total. Everyone we encounter gets a glimpse of who you are and build upon that. If someone sees you always happy that’s the perception they have of you. If someone always sees you losing it and cussing others out, that’s their perception of you. The small windows of prescription that we allow people to see are how people then perceive us. People who saw me as JUST a track coach have a different perception of me as a Science teacher. Do I try to correct their perceptions… nope. Why? It’s what they believe and until they see me in any other capacity then what’s the point. Their perceptions don’t change who I am or who you are.

People have a right to not accept you for who you are, but as long as you’re not being oppressed you keep moving foward. Look I know we as a society are trying to push that we are all special, but if we are all special… then who is truly special? Yes we all have purpose, we all have things that only we can accomplish but are we God’s only gift to the world? Nope. Do people HAVE to treat you like your ish has never stank? Absolute not. The only thing people honestly have to do is treat you with respect….DAS IT!!!

I say all this to say….you ain’t for everybody and it’s okay. Keep living, loving and being yourself. You will find your tribe and be their cup of tea while being able to spill all the juicy tea honey ❤

Just trying to be freshed faced and not looking 36 😘

#Lessonslearned: More Than Wife Material

Hey Loves!! Well this is the month of love or lust or maybe just needing to be with someone. I get it, I get it,but just remember this is not a real holiday and you can make any month your month of love ( August for me :)). Don’t make yourself feel bad because you are single on Valentine’s day. Go out buy yourself some flowers and whatever else you want. Treat yourself to a nice dinner and love on yourself. Self love and acceptance is so much better than hoping someone accepts the wonderful person that you are. Loving yourself is so much more than being someone else’s wife material. Oh yeah and Beyonce=total slayage….let’s get in formation ladies!!!

images-1Well…I’m not wife material

Okay okay enough of that, let’s talk about this whole thing about being “wife material”. Now listen I’m not saying there is anything wrong with being married or aspiring to be married. Round of applause to you ladies, you have made a wonderful commitment to be someone’s partner to build and work together to do amazing things for the for the rest of your lives. But can I ask this, was being wife material your only aspiration? Seriously doubt it. Most of my married friends are movers and shakers in the world. They are getting things done along with holding down a household. I guess my issue is should we really only strive to be “wife material”, shouldn’t it be to strive to be the best “YOU” you can be?

 

You can keep that title……

I have been called wife material many times in my adult life but I’m not married. Should I be disappointed? Nope, I refuse to wrestle with this idea. At this time I have come to a place in life where if I get married great and if I don’t….great. Truthfully I want to be known as a great person. Needing to make an impact on people who eclipses my marital status, financial status, religion or race, is what I seek. To be the type of person when people talk about you and there’s nothing really negative they can say and the ones that do say them know deep down that it’s a lie, this is my major goal in life. I want to live a life that is so great that when I die people will know that I lived a truthful, fruitful, prosperous, eventful, never a dull moment life.

Yep I’m good on it…….

So excuse me if I don’t thank you for calling me wife material. Thank you for thinking that I will be a great companion and spouse, but I know that I am so much more. The same goes for the ladies that are married. They had identities before they said I do and that’s what their husbands fell in love with. Not their cooking and cleaning or their ability to be submissive. No they fell in love with their personality, their drive, their ability to do extraordinary things. So instead of saying that someone is wife (or husband) material how about we just tell them they are a great person and have the ability to make great partnerships.

 

Oh please believe and understand this is not me being anti-marriage. I love marriage!!! It is ordained by God so everything about being married is pleasing to the Lord. I can’t hate what is ordained. But as for me to only want that in life….oh no no no. God said the Earth and all of its fullness is mine to experience. So if that one aspect in my life isn’t fulfilled at this moment, I’m not going to miss out on the rest of what life has to offer.

Until next time Loves, have a beautiful time in life, learn to appreciate the little things and do something great :)!!!!

Hey make sure you visit my page on Facebook and like a couple of posts: https://www.facebook.com/confessionsfromaredcouch

#Lessonslearned The solo act…..maybe

“Falling in love was a solo act. I knew that, had learned that the hard way. You just jumped and hoped your parachute opened.”—– Eric Jerome Dickie

I read this quote from one of my favorite books and it really intrigued me. I started thinking about all the times I thought I had fallen in love.

Preschool Love:

The preschool boyfriend.  I had a boyfriend in preschool and no I wasn’t a fast tailed little girl. My family took us on dates to the library to listen to story time at the library. We shared our juice boxes, fought on the playground and had our first kiss (I think we actually just mushed our faces together…not really romantic). I don’t think I was in love then but I do know I was having fun.

At this point I was the only child and I didn’t have a lot of cousins my age in Missouri. I remember having a playmate that was a boy. There were no titles, no pressure, just someone to play in the sandbox with and challenge to some type of childhood contest ( I bet I can hold my breath longer than you…..nah uh I got asthma lol). It was fun while it lasted we moved onto to kindergarten and went our separate ways,sometimes I wonder if he remembers me.

Middle School Love

The middle school boyfriend. Okay I was full tomboy by this time. We moved to Texas and I got a chance to be around boys for real. I wasn’t fully aware of how my body was changing. The havoc the hormones were wreaking on my life, my parents’ lives, and my cousins’ lives. I was a mess to say the least and that deadly mixture of hormones and killer body made me think I fell in love every month.

Now let me say this again……I WAS NOT A FAST TAILED LITTLE GAL!!! So in the 6th grade I acquired a boyfriend by letting him walk me to class and that was the extent of the relationship. Like seriously he walked me to class and we talked about our acne (how sweet…….GAG MUCH). We didn’t talk on the phone much because I wasn’t a big phone talker(amazing right, still the same way). Looking back, 6th grade boyfriend was the sweetest relationship I’ve ever had because we were able to be open about our flaws and accepted each other regardless of pizza face. Was it love…..nope. Had I fallen….of course not lol but it was still sweet.

High School Love:

High school boyfriend!!!! I only had one real boyfriend my senior year (sorry to the rest of you) and I can positively say that the quote mentioned above fit this situation. I had fallen by myself (suka!!!). It was totally a solo act. I jumped out of the plane, opened my parachute and landed on the ground only to see him still in the plane with two girls that had already graduated. Ha it was joke (but I had the last laugh…..don’t judge me). This one relationship has shaped the few I have had after it, but I still don’t believe falling in love is only a solo act.

The Continual Falling:

From then on I would have a college relationship/engagement and the ones in between. Just know I’m not married but I’m not lonely lol. I type all this to say falling in love can be a solo act or a joint journey, it just depends on your choices. You can choose to fall in love with someone you knew from the start of the relationship that was never meant for you or you can fall together with someone who truly cares and is invested a respects the position that they have in your life.

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* Me and my couch just chilling*