Braiding chair confessions

This has been the first time I’ve had time to sit and type since the beginning of the year. I had a whole plan to do a re-launch of my blog and book this year and then guess what happened…..LIFE! Life hit me like a ton of bricks at the beginning of this year and I’m so glad that today is a new day. Thank goodness I can start over and return to the plan at hand but until then let’s talk about some things.

Okay in this season I’m learning how to forgive and be forgiven. I’m too old to hold grudges or even think about holding one. I’m at a point where instead cutting everyone off, I need to understand everyone’s actions aren’t done to spite me. I’m realizing that everyone makes mistakes and the mistakes that aren’t detrimental to my health or well being can be forgiven and moved past. I don’t want to be that woman that can’t have healthy relationships with people. I don’t want to be that mean spiteful lady that no one wants to get close to. I just want to love and be loved, without judgement or alterior motives.

I will never be perfect. I’ve tried it and it gets me in more trouble than just being myself. I’m learning how to be more truthful about my faults. I procrastinate, I hate it when things aren’t done my way, I know I’m supposed to see things as black and white but I can’t. Because of all these things I do things that everyone can’t understand. But I do know I’m loyal and I will put everyone else’s needs above mine. It’s who I am. I choose to accept my faults and others. If I know I’m not perfect I can’t expect anyone else to meet some ridiculous standard I have set.

I’m learning to listen to people to hear them and not just to give a response. I want to hear what people are saying now instead of just defending my point. We are so caught up with trying to make sure we say what we need to say that we can’t HEAR what people are trying to communicate. Just a bunch of noise…..that’s all I hear is noise when people talk. I’m tired of noise.

All this to say 35 is forcing me to grow up. I don’t want to participate in childish games anymore. It’s tiring and making me look old and put on stress weight. I just want to live and let live. Love without parameters and enjoy those who want to be enjoyed.

Dreams…..

A 6 months ago I had a dream that literally was screaming for me to move forward. No matter how much I feel my old issues are resolved they sneak up subconsciously to torment me.
In this dream I am mourning the loss of a relationship and refusing the possibility of a new one. All my exes encircled me and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I was so confused considering I know most probably hate me, but then something caught my eye. Each ex wore a shirt that had a list as to why we could never be together. Insecurity, luster, greed, envy, shame, doubt, weak, angry….all were valid reasons….all reasons why we could never fit the puzzle pieces together. You can never force a round peg into a square hole (yeah I know I reversed it). I could never reduce myself enough to make them feel important enough to be with me.
So I woke up prayed, moved forward, and let go.

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Smiles are genuine

God Ain’t Through With Me Yet But…….

 

Hey Loves! It’s November and I have actively decided to sit this year’s cuffing season out. Just too much I need to accomplish by the end of next and truthfully I don’t want any distractions. As much as I miss a constant companion, snuggling when it gets cool at night, getting my booty rubbed until I fall asleep (yep I said it…..don’t judge me) and a whole slew of other things you do when your cuffed…. I just can’t at the moment. God ain’t through with me yet.

There’s still things that I need to get right before I can even enter into another relationship. And yeah people think I’m great and my character is amazing but there are great qualities of my character that I am just now mastering. I have a big heart….I give too much. I am learning to master that. I am very empathetic to others situations so much so that I will allow it to affect my mental being. I have to work on that. My love runs deep, so deep that at times it makes me uncomfortable. I have to work on that. Each of these qualities have been abused by myself or someone else. But as I said before God ain’t through with me, I’m working on it. I am learning how not to let people take advantage of me and in the process make sure that I don’t become hard-hearted and bitter.

Here’s an example…..
DISCLAIMER: Yes this actually happened to me and no I’m not throwing them under the bus. Just my experience…….

The other night I received a dm (I swear I’m unplugging from social media in January) from someone I blocked due to me allowing them to abuse my kind soft heart (notice I have taken full responsibility…..you see how I did that). Now my soft heart allowed me to call that person, while blocking my number (*67 still works), just because I was hoping they had changed for the better, but I got the exact opposite……it was a phone call of manipulation. Another phone call to talk sweet and work their way in, and my response……….nothing. I wasn’t moved. My emotions weren’t touched. I felt no resentment, no hate, no bitterness, no nothing. I responded to his situation without belittling him and hung the phone up. I received a nasty text message after the phone call and still I had no response. I once again hit the block button and decided to move forward with life.

All this to say I’m living and growing. I refuse to stumble into another relationship blindly just because I don’t want to be lonely. I have to make sure I change, grow and become secure in myself before I can join into a partnership. God ain’t through with me yet…..

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Yeah I can get spiffy when I want to……

Let the Fun Times Begin…….

It’s official I am ending the mancation. I have come to the conclusion that I will not put myself on the shelf. I am way too great of a person to exclud myself from life because someone hurt me (yeah,  it hurt a lot). What I’ve learned during my mancation process is that not every man is the same. There are two extremes: confident Alpha men (no I’m not talking about the frat, although the majority of yall….YESSSSSSS!!!)  and narcissistic beta males.

An Alpha male is one who is confident and whole within himself. He doesn’t fight for attention or praise from others. He has an inner sense of self that cannot be shaken by anyone else. Cocky, he is not but he does walk with a sense of purpose. He has all his ducks in a row. No illegitimate children running around, he takes care of his family, and makes no excuses when he misses the mark. Most men want to be him and woman want to marry him. His life is full with or without a mate. Sounds great right ladies? We all want this man, our dream. …but unfortunately this is not the man we attract.

I had to be truthful with myself about which of these men I found myself more attracted to…..unfortunately it was the beta male. They can talk a good game but when it comes to true genuine actions they can’t back it up. No matter what a female brings to the table, they can NEVER make the beta male feel secure. Why you may ask? The beta male has to figure out what he needs by himself, which is hard because he continues to search for his wholeness in others. Which in turns leaves the beta male with a trail of broken promises and hearts.

So where does this leave me? Truthfully it has made me take a look within myself. I had to understand why I felt the need to settle. I really felt my faults where too big to deserve anyone who was my equal. Yes I know I’m smart and gorgeous, single, no kids and very independent, but I don’t like to cook (even though I can), I hate folding laundry (that ever growing b***h of a mountain), and I work long hours. I felt I deserved punishment for all of this, like somehow these things didn’t make me good enough. So I settled…..but not now. Now I’m taking the bull by the horns and letting the world know I am good enough.

So now that I’m back on the dating scene I know what I want. I refuse to slip into a situationship because of what I feel I deserve. I will not accept lip service or make excuses for others. I’m too old and too knowledgeable to let that happen again. So here’s to a happy life and cheers to many incredible dates to come.Snapchat-4347591048817667302.jpg

 

Things This Single Woman Detest (such a strong word but if the stiletto fits) ………

As I sit here on my fabulous red couch (yes back home in my quiet) I think about all the things I seriously hate as a single woman. Now before someone looks at me sideways I have my own definition for the word SINGLE (all caps makes it scary but it’s really quite a nice little word……SSSSIIIIINNNNGGGGLLLEEE, rolls right off your tongue). To me being single means that I have yet to make the commitment to marriage. I am in a relationship, but are we at a point that we are thinking about marriage, not that I know of. But it’s okay…no worries here because although I would like to do the whole married with kids and white picket fence with a small dog and neighbors that bring over baked goods and jello and all that jazz (random runon sorry), I don’t think I’m ready for it. I’ve prayed about it and all I hear God say is nothing (lol because He knows I’m not ready for it either). I feel as though I am on a different path at the moment (Again prayed about that too and God said “Go and enjoy all the things I have put in this world that I want all to enjoy”…..yep just like that). Anywho….enough of that here are the things I despise………………

Laundry!!! You would think that as a single person who lives in a house I wouldn’t have that much laundry but I do and I hate it. I feel like I’m making a dent and then I look in the laundry room and see a mountain that will put Mt. Everest to shame. I swear I don’t know where all these clothes come from. I have given clothes away every year for the past five years and yet and still……TOO MANY CLOTHES. But every week I seem to be washing a ton of clothes most of which I don’t remember buying or wearing. Like at this moment I’m looking at a basket and breaking out in hives knowing that I have to fold them at some point in life. If I were married yeah…..I’d probably make sure that he can fold and put up the clothes…..yeah that would be his job (Kanye shrug lol), but I promise I would wash and dry….I’d do my share I promise 🙂

Being treated as though I am a child……okay look I’m 32 years old not 15 or 21 or 25…….I AM #@(@(#( 32!!! Yet because I don’t have kids or I’m not married I tend to be treated as a child, not by my parents (you would think right BTW if yall are reading this I LOVE YALL SOOOO VERY MUCH), no by people who think “aww you poor baby, someone will scoop you up soon..” that’s not the way this works. I have a whole house note, car note, hwa fees, escrow and career (i think all this qualifies me as a responsible adult) I am grown beyond measure. Being single doesn’t mean I am not mature or can’t fend for myself. I am perfectly capable to do all of the above. I love the fact that people worry about my well being, but please understand I am not in my house burning pieces of wood and hunting the stray cats in my neighborhood to eat and stay warm (I just laughed out loud for real at that thought). I may not have always had a partner to discuss all major decisions but I do have others in my life that have trained and made me perfectly competent to do all these things and more.  I can take care of myself.

Fairy tales……I don’t think I’ve ever really liked fairy tales. When I was younger my grandmother started my Disney video collection. The first VHS (yep i said it….) ever gave me was The Little Mermaid. I loved the singing and dancing but I could never understand why Ariel wouldn’t just swim up to the prince and introduce herself. I mean it would have cut out the whole Ursela and losing her voice deal and the prince and her dad would just have to deal with who she really was anyway…..(was I the only 9 year old who thought this?? probably) I guess I don’t get the whole concept of a fairy tale. To me living happily ever after means accepting yourself for who you are and living your life to the fullest. If you want to get married, GREAT!! If you want to stay single and travel to every continent around the world and learn to say hello in every different language known to man…..DO IT!! It’s your life and you don’t have to wait for anyone else to tell you to how to live it. As long as you put God first and seek Him as you travel through this great journey we call life you should be happy. That’s the fairy tale I guess I believe and it’s the one I am living.

This one is fun…..being set up!!! Please stop, don’t do it….(I think of this and die several slow deaths) I love that you think so highly of me that you want me to be with someone you think I would be perfect for…..but please don’t. Usually the situation just turns really awkward and then I have to report back to you about the total level of awkwardness and then hear about how you “just thought we would be great for each other”. I swear I truly love you for thinking I would be a great match for anybody and believe me, I know I am awesome (no…really I’m super awesome :)) Unless I ask you just hold off on the match making. It saves me and the other person from wasting an hour and a half of our lives trying to be cordial to one another while thinking about other things we could be doing (like folding all that freaking laundry….seriously it’s like never ending).

I hope this wasn’t too much (remember this is just me confessing ergo the title “Confessions From a Red Couch”)…..but just a little list of things that irk me. I love my life and where I’m going. Am I always quite sure where it’s going to lead me….No!! But I trust and have faith in God that He will never steer me wrong. I use every experience as something to learn from, pass on, and live through. This part of my journey I’m on is great and no matter how long it lasts, I’m going to make sure I enjoy it to the fullest :o)

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