Braiding chair confessions

This has been the first time I’ve had time to sit and type since the beginning of the year. I had a whole plan to do a re-launch of my blog and book this year and then guess what happened…..LIFE! Life hit me like a ton of bricks at the beginning of this year and I’m so glad that today is a new day. Thank goodness I can start over and return to the plan at hand but until then let’s talk about some things.

Okay in this season I’m learning how to forgive and be forgiven. I’m too old to hold grudges or even think about holding one. I’m at a point where instead cutting everyone off, I need to understand everyone’s actions aren’t done to spite me. I’m realizing that everyone makes mistakes and the mistakes that aren’t detrimental to my health or well being can be forgiven and moved past. I don’t want to be that woman that can’t have healthy relationships with people. I don’t want to be that mean spiteful lady that no one wants to get close to. I just want to love and be loved, without judgement or alterior motives.

I will never be perfect. I’ve tried it and it gets me in more trouble than just being myself. I’m learning how to be more truthful about my faults. I procrastinate, I hate it when things aren’t done my way, I know I’m supposed to see things as black and white but I can’t. Because of all these things I do things that everyone can’t understand. But I do know I’m loyal and I will put everyone else’s needs above mine. It’s who I am. I choose to accept my faults and others. If I know I’m not perfect I can’t expect anyone else to meet some ridiculous standard I have set.

I’m learning to listen to people to hear them and not just to give a response. I want to hear what people are saying now instead of just defending my point. We are so caught up with trying to make sure we say what we need to say that we can’t HEAR what people are trying to communicate. Just a bunch of noise…..that’s all I hear is noise when people talk. I’m tired of noise.

All this to say 35 is forcing me to grow up. I don’t want to participate in childish games anymore. It’s tiring and making me look old and put on stress weight. I just want to live and let live. Love without parameters and enjoy those who want to be enjoyed.

Dreams…..

A 6 months ago I had a dream that literally was screaming for me to move forward. No matter how much I feel my old issues are resolved they sneak up subconsciously to torment me.
In this dream I am mourning the loss of a relationship and refusing the possibility of a new one. All my exes encircled me and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I was so confused considering I know most probably hate me, but then something caught my eye. Each ex wore a shirt that had a list as to why we could never be together. Insecurity, luster, greed, envy, shame, doubt, weak, angry….all were valid reasons….all reasons why we could never fit the puzzle pieces together. You can never force a round peg into a square hole (yeah I know I reversed it). I could never reduce myself enough to make them feel important enough to be with me.
So I woke up prayed, moved forward, and let go.

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Smiles are genuine

The Friend Zone….. Dun Dun Dunnnnn

Thank God this year is over. What the hell was 2016’s deal? Like seriously…..you couldn’t leave without taking someone close to me huh? You just had to touch everyone in the horrible way that you knew how…..bastard (I’m going to get in trouble when my mom reads this….)

Anyway okay so a lot of people are scared of it,  few embrace, me…..I love it. Yes I’m talking about the friend zone…..dun dun duuuunnnnn. I seriously enjoy being in the friend zone, why?  Because I actually get a chance to know someone. I can be myself without worrying about if I’m impressing that person or not. I don’t understand what the big deal is about the friend zone…(dun dun duuuunnnnn).

I’m lying, I do know why everyone else in the world hates the dreaded friend zone. We get so wrapped up in rushing things that we can’t take a freaking deep breath and smell the freaking roses. Do we not understand faster isn’t better? I know when I rush I tend to forget things. This year I left my whole coaching bag at the school while traveling to the district cross country meet. I was totally unprepared and had to wing it the whole meet.  Do you get what I’m trying to tell you? Stop rushing and be prepared.
I know we want to live life in the moment, I know we want things when we want them but look it’s not helping us at all.

When you bypass the getting to know you phase, when you push past because you want to see what that mouth do, you bypass all the important parts. What makes the other person happy, what is it that you can compromise because you know something is important to them? What is the person’s character like beyond what their “representative” shows? What is that person’s deal breakers? See all this is important before you try to “stick just the tip in”….(I’m really going to get in trouble for this lmbo). Quit being driven by sexual desire and the need to conquer and posses.

The friend zone should be utilized as a tool not a punishment. Here are some pointers:
– Do not bring up sex while in the friend zone
– Do get to know the person beyond a fat ahh, big boobs,a hard chiseled chest, broad shoulder, etc (God knows I love a good set of shoulders…..yum)
– Learn what makes that person tick
– Do find fun activities without the pressure of thinking it’s a real date or it being extremely expensive.
– DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH SOMEONE IN THE FRIEND ZONE!!!!

You can use the friend zone to your advantage. It can help establish a great friendship with someone even if you don’t end up in a relationship. I promise this will probably cut down on the amount of broken people walking around trying to find someone to make them whole. Man just embrace the friend zone……dun dun duuuunnnnn lol

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Honey I’ve always been fabulous lol

God Ain’t Through With Me Yet But…….

 

Hey Loves! It’s November and I have actively decided to sit this year’s cuffing season out. Just too much I need to accomplish by the end of next and truthfully I don’t want any distractions. As much as I miss a constant companion, snuggling when it gets cool at night, getting my booty rubbed until I fall asleep (yep I said it…..don’t judge me) and a whole slew of other things you do when your cuffed…. I just can’t at the moment. God ain’t through with me yet.

There’s still things that I need to get right before I can even enter into another relationship. And yeah people think I’m great and my character is amazing but there are great qualities of my character that I am just now mastering. I have a big heart….I give too much. I am learning to master that. I am very empathetic to others situations so much so that I will allow it to affect my mental being. I have to work on that. My love runs deep, so deep that at times it makes me uncomfortable. I have to work on that. Each of these qualities have been abused by myself or someone else. But as I said before God ain’t through with me, I’m working on it. I am learning how not to let people take advantage of me and in the process make sure that I don’t become hard-hearted and bitter.

Here’s an example…..
DISCLAIMER: Yes this actually happened to me and no I’m not throwing them under the bus. Just my experience…….

The other night I received a dm (I swear I’m unplugging from social media in January) from someone I blocked due to me allowing them to abuse my kind soft heart (notice I have taken full responsibility…..you see how I did that). Now my soft heart allowed me to call that person, while blocking my number (*67 still works), just because I was hoping they had changed for the better, but I got the exact opposite……it was a phone call of manipulation. Another phone call to talk sweet and work their way in, and my response……….nothing. I wasn’t moved. My emotions weren’t touched. I felt no resentment, no hate, no bitterness, no nothing. I responded to his situation without belittling him and hung the phone up. I received a nasty text message after the phone call and still I had no response. I once again hit the block button and decided to move forward with life.

All this to say I’m living and growing. I refuse to stumble into another relationship blindly just because I don’t want to be lonely. I have to make sure I change, grow and become secure in myself before I can join into a partnership. God ain’t through with me yet…..

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Yeah I can get spiffy when I want to……

What is your WHY……

Happy April! This morning as I was sitting through another meeting about building relationships and helping students develop into functioning adults (Lord knows we need more of those because somega people out there….). During the presentation they played a clip of Buster Douglas fighting Mike Tyson that talked about his WHY. His WHY for not giving up even though he was knocked down. His WHY for continuing to deliver hits even thigh he was the underdog.  His WHY for brevet giving up!!! (I’m not going to spoil it but watch the link below)

Now me being the extra sensitive 30 something year old that I am had to leave the room to shed a few tears because it was so touching. Truthfully I think I was crying because I think I’ve lost my WHY. Through the years it’s been family, my little sister, my students, my athletes,  young black women of the world…..etc. but now I don’t know.

Actually I think my WHY has shifted. Now it seems my focus and my actions are more so pleasing myself and God. I’ve been the “good little church girl” and the “responsible first born”. Those roles were fine and have helped push me into the woman I am today but now…..now what do I do?

Most women go through this transition in life. Our WHY motivation is so focused on taking care of others around us that we forget we are our biggest motivation. When it all comes down to the get down if it’s not for us, then who is it really for. Seeing others happy and taken care of others brings us joy, but what happens when the kids grow up, the students graduate, and people die? A shift has to be made,  you have to be your biggest WHY. You have to understand without you being that why nothing else really matters.

Today I vow to make myself my WHY. I plan to set goals that will please me and God only. I feel some good things are happening soon, but not to make anyone else proud. Just focusing on myself for now 🙂

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I think this dress is going to make me happy 😊

Let the Fun Times Begin…….

It’s official I am ending the mancation. I have come to the conclusion that I will not put myself on the shelf. I am way too great of a person to exclud myself from life because someone hurt me (yeah,  it hurt a lot). What I’ve learned during my mancation process is that not every man is the same. There are two extremes: confident Alpha men (no I’m not talking about the frat, although the majority of yall….YESSSSSSS!!!)  and narcissistic beta males.

An Alpha male is one who is confident and whole within himself. He doesn’t fight for attention or praise from others. He has an inner sense of self that cannot be shaken by anyone else. Cocky, he is not but he does walk with a sense of purpose. He has all his ducks in a row. No illegitimate children running around, he takes care of his family, and makes no excuses when he misses the mark. Most men want to be him and woman want to marry him. His life is full with or without a mate. Sounds great right ladies? We all want this man, our dream. …but unfortunately this is not the man we attract.

I had to be truthful with myself about which of these men I found myself more attracted to…..unfortunately it was the beta male. They can talk a good game but when it comes to true genuine actions they can’t back it up. No matter what a female brings to the table, they can NEVER make the beta male feel secure. Why you may ask? The beta male has to figure out what he needs by himself, which is hard because he continues to search for his wholeness in others. Which in turns leaves the beta male with a trail of broken promises and hearts.

So where does this leave me? Truthfully it has made me take a look within myself. I had to understand why I felt the need to settle. I really felt my faults where too big to deserve anyone who was my equal. Yes I know I’m smart and gorgeous, single, no kids and very independent, but I don’t like to cook (even though I can), I hate folding laundry (that ever growing b***h of a mountain), and I work long hours. I felt I deserved punishment for all of this, like somehow these things didn’t make me good enough. So I settled…..but not now. Now I’m taking the bull by the horns and letting the world know I am good enough.

So now that I’m back on the dating scene I know what I want. I refuse to slip into a situationship because of what I feel I deserve. I will not accept lip service or make excuses for others. I’m too old and too knowledgeable to let that happen again. So here’s to a happy life and cheers to many incredible dates to come.Snapchat-4347591048817667302.jpg

 

Ramblings of a Control Freak………

Hmm…..where to begin with this post. My name is Janae and I am a huge control freak. No like seriously…..it’s scary. But this year (January to be exact) I had to learn to let go of the control. It has been a roller coaster ride between my faith in God and trying to overcome my need to hold everything together in my own strength. This has caused me to lead the most craziest, anxiety filled, stress ridden, and insanity filled life.

Truthfully I can’t pinpoint a time when all this began (well to the degree it is at the present moment). If you ask my mother I have always been a bit strong willed, forcing my will upon others and wreaking havoc on those who would not obey my will (yes 3-5 year old me was a little shhh…..). I was that child that you told “We can’t buy candy because we don’t have the money for it” and when you reached the counter she still asked for it and threw a huge fit when she knew you would say no (yes every week, Mama, Nana, Thea I am truly sorry….). Yes that was me high understanding no slack in getting my way. I would fight tooth and nail and didn’t care if I got my butt whooped or not (yep, I said it and I thank my parents for doing it). Now in my adult life this has helped to an extent but the fact of the matter: I’m freaking crazy!! (well not hospital crazy, more like functioning psychopath).

There are certain things I just won’t do because I can not control the outcome. For instance I hate casinos and gambling. Absolutely abhor it if I’m spending my own money. I can’t see losing money that I could spend on a great pair of shoes on a game of chance (that I truthfully feel is rigged anyway). This is where me and my dad bump heads (lol I love that man), he always tells me I’m scary (which he knows is the best way to get me to do something….I ain’t never scared). But I just don’t get how people get enjoyment out of it. I’d rather spend my time looking for that perfect pair of shoes that when I wear them my heart skips a beat (yep my money, my fetish).

I keep a small group of friends for a reason and if I let you in that’s big. Hey don’t judge me it’s how I control who affects my emotions (yes….I know but look at the title). I am a seriously friendly person but those who are close to me know I have my times when I just don’t want to be bothered. Yes it seems petty and most people try to figure out how I will ever get married and blah blah blah and here’s my response……..THIS ISN’T YOUR LIFE. I’ve learned from past experiences that letting people in before God tells you to can cause a lot of problems. My favorite example Eve and the serpent……think about it if she wasn’t so quick to listen to somebody other than Adam and God the whole fall of Man thing could have been avoided (my opinion, my blog, hush, keep reading and comment at the end). When “new people” all the sudden pop up I need to find out their intentions before I can let them in. I’m not that desperate for attention that I can’t be by myself (hell I don’t think any human can love me more than I love me).

Now this next one has been the hardest for me but considering it’s part of my faith here goes………at times I have to stop myself from telling God my plans for my life (yes….laugh because I am laughing uncontrollably at the moment). Do you know how crazy I know I look trying to tell God (all powerful, all knowing, ever present, all loving….if you need more characteristics just email I’ll help you) how I want Him to run my life? I can just see Him now shaking His head and chuckling. Doesn’t that sound crazy and deranged? Sometimes after I run off my list to God about how I want my day to go I can honestly hear that still voice saying “Are you done silly girl?”

As of recent in my life it was pretty bad because I have been trying to stay in my comfort zone not realizing it’s time for me to get uncomfortable. See that’s the problem I became a control freak to stay comfortable and content with my life, not understanding that this is how you become stagnant and dead. I’ve been stuck for a while and not registering that I’m dying, emotionally and spiritually. Not loving, not living,just existing for the sake of existing. So as I type this I realize that the adventure I have been on was one of death and if I continue on this road of control nothing will come about but stagnation and extinction. That’s what happened to the dodo bird, couldn’t adapt to its surroundings, was too stubborn to change, so the whole species was wiped away. Will I let that be my fate? Do I really want to be the Dodo bird? (if you know me you know what the answers going to be……survival of the fittest and I am one of the fittest!!!!)

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Things This Single Woman Detest (such a strong word but if the stiletto fits) ………

As I sit here on my fabulous red couch (yes back home in my quiet) I think about all the things I seriously hate as a single woman. Now before someone looks at me sideways I have my own definition for the word SINGLE (all caps makes it scary but it’s really quite a nice little word……SSSSIIIIINNNNGGGGLLLEEE, rolls right off your tongue). To me being single means that I have yet to make the commitment to marriage. I am in a relationship, but are we at a point that we are thinking about marriage, not that I know of. But it’s okay…no worries here because although I would like to do the whole married with kids and white picket fence with a small dog and neighbors that bring over baked goods and jello and all that jazz (random runon sorry), I don’t think I’m ready for it. I’ve prayed about it and all I hear God say is nothing (lol because He knows I’m not ready for it either). I feel as though I am on a different path at the moment (Again prayed about that too and God said “Go and enjoy all the things I have put in this world that I want all to enjoy”…..yep just like that). Anywho….enough of that here are the things I despise………………

Laundry!!! You would think that as a single person who lives in a house I wouldn’t have that much laundry but I do and I hate it. I feel like I’m making a dent and then I look in the laundry room and see a mountain that will put Mt. Everest to shame. I swear I don’t know where all these clothes come from. I have given clothes away every year for the past five years and yet and still……TOO MANY CLOTHES. But every week I seem to be washing a ton of clothes most of which I don’t remember buying or wearing. Like at this moment I’m looking at a basket and breaking out in hives knowing that I have to fold them at some point in life. If I were married yeah…..I’d probably make sure that he can fold and put up the clothes…..yeah that would be his job (Kanye shrug lol), but I promise I would wash and dry….I’d do my share I promise 🙂

Being treated as though I am a child……okay look I’m 32 years old not 15 or 21 or 25…….I AM #@(@(#( 32!!! Yet because I don’t have kids or I’m not married I tend to be treated as a child, not by my parents (you would think right BTW if yall are reading this I LOVE YALL SOOOO VERY MUCH), no by people who think “aww you poor baby, someone will scoop you up soon..” that’s not the way this works. I have a whole house note, car note, hwa fees, escrow and career (i think all this qualifies me as a responsible adult) I am grown beyond measure. Being single doesn’t mean I am not mature or can’t fend for myself. I am perfectly capable to do all of the above. I love the fact that people worry about my well being, but please understand I am not in my house burning pieces of wood and hunting the stray cats in my neighborhood to eat and stay warm (I just laughed out loud for real at that thought). I may not have always had a partner to discuss all major decisions but I do have others in my life that have trained and made me perfectly competent to do all these things and more.  I can take care of myself.

Fairy tales……I don’t think I’ve ever really liked fairy tales. When I was younger my grandmother started my Disney video collection. The first VHS (yep i said it….) ever gave me was The Little Mermaid. I loved the singing and dancing but I could never understand why Ariel wouldn’t just swim up to the prince and introduce herself. I mean it would have cut out the whole Ursela and losing her voice deal and the prince and her dad would just have to deal with who she really was anyway…..(was I the only 9 year old who thought this?? probably) I guess I don’t get the whole concept of a fairy tale. To me living happily ever after means accepting yourself for who you are and living your life to the fullest. If you want to get married, GREAT!! If you want to stay single and travel to every continent around the world and learn to say hello in every different language known to man…..DO IT!! It’s your life and you don’t have to wait for anyone else to tell you to how to live it. As long as you put God first and seek Him as you travel through this great journey we call life you should be happy. That’s the fairy tale I guess I believe and it’s the one I am living.

This one is fun…..being set up!!! Please stop, don’t do it….(I think of this and die several slow deaths) I love that you think so highly of me that you want me to be with someone you think I would be perfect for…..but please don’t. Usually the situation just turns really awkward and then I have to report back to you about the total level of awkwardness and then hear about how you “just thought we would be great for each other”. I swear I truly love you for thinking I would be a great match for anybody and believe me, I know I am awesome (no…really I’m super awesome :)) Unless I ask you just hold off on the match making. It saves me and the other person from wasting an hour and a half of our lives trying to be cordial to one another while thinking about other things we could be doing (like folding all that freaking laundry….seriously it’s like never ending).

I hope this wasn’t too much (remember this is just me confessing ergo the title “Confessions From a Red Couch”)…..but just a little list of things that irk me. I love my life and where I’m going. Am I always quite sure where it’s going to lead me….No!! But I trust and have faith in God that He will never steer me wrong. I use every experience as something to learn from, pass on, and live through. This part of my journey I’m on is great and no matter how long it lasts, I’m going to make sure I enjoy it to the fullest :o)

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I am a shoe freak

Okay I must admit…..I FREAKING LOVE SHOES!!!! Like my ideal house has three bedrooms that are converted into closets that are full of shoes. I can personally say I own more that 50 pairs of shoes (that I can picture in my head). It’s sad but a great addiction to have.

Shoes never break your heart….wellllllllllll: I actually had one pair that I could never wear. For the life of me my high pain tolerance could get over the pinching sensation the shoes caused my pinky toe to suffer. Usually I can do mind over matter in shoes, if I think they don’t hurt then they don’t, but this pair….uh not so much. I gave them away after the second time I wore them…..like I literally took them off my feet and gave them to someone else. It was an extremely heart breaking situation but I got over it by buying another pair of shoes lol.

I can wear my platform stilettoes and perform my household duties. I have these pair of blue suede heels that I wear when I vacuum the floor. I don’t know why I’m sharing this, maybe because I know it’s weird and I’m hoping if I confess it I will feel better about it (nope….because truthfully my dear I don’t give a darn lol). I have another pair that I clean the kitchen in and then I put them away and match them with an outfit that hopefully I will be able to wear before the next cleaning excursion. I’m not sure if this is a true skill but I think the future Mr. Strickland (yeah….lol funny) would enjoy watching me clean in these ridiculously inappropriate footwear.

My shoes make me seem larger than life……no like for real lol people never take account of my height with or without my heels. Everyone just assumes I’m tall when I really stand at a whooping 5’6 1/2 on a good day (in all actuality it’s 5’6, the half just sounds taller). I guess my personality paired with my lovely shoes makes people think I’m a lot taller. It’s days like these that I thank my shoes and everyone that has made who I am today……a tall person impersonator lol

Shoes brighten my day……some of yall have children, pets, or even a lover/spouse/partner/whatever floats your boat that you can come home to after a hard day and cuddle, kiss, hug, complain to, and blah blah blah but at some point they will do something that will irk you like poo on the floor (child or pet….idk I’ve never had either), or give unwanted advice , or just not listen. My shoes on the other hand……all I have to do is slip a pair on (no matter what I’m wearing, usually it’s after practice so I have on sweats) and walk around the house. I don’t have to pretend, I don’t have to listen, all I have to do is walk……(omg I have a problem lol)

Okay maybe I sound like I have a major issue but it’s not so bad. It may be an addiction but it’s not like drinking or smoking, my liver is great and I have asthma so none of that destructive behavior for me. But give me a great sale or a new online shoe site…. I may hurt my bank account but at least that only affects me. right……..not like secondhand smoke :o)

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*TEAR* my babies look so cute in this picture……I’m so proud *TEAR*