Hey guys….. I’ve been MIA and I apologize. I wanted to write something else but this wouldn’t leave me alone so……
I don’t want to be that girl anymore. Yeah she might be skinnier, a little more attractive, a little easier but nah I don’t want to be her. See back then she used to sweat the small stuff. She used to allow what others thought and said about her drive her crazy. So she tried to fit a mold. A mold that she wasn’t ever meant to fit. A mold that no one can ever fit.
That girl was full of anxiety and unsure about her future. She believed many lies that were told to her and that she told herself. She believed that she was unlovable. Something proven to her by people who she thought cared about her. They would provide lip service but could never back it up with action.
So instead of living she just existed. There was no drive, there was no purpose, she was just there. Until one day something inside of her screamed to be released. Someone who she had lost so long ago. She decided to let her free. Free to be whoever she wanted to be. That’s when I found me. I was finally comfortable in my own skin being who I was supposed to be. No more pretending, just living the life I really wanted to live.
Now I understand those experiences have shaped and molded me. I may not be perfect but I can tell you I’m definitely content and happy (and maybe just a little exhausted).
A 6 months ago I had a dream that literally was screaming for me to move forward. No matter how much I feel my old issues are resolved they sneak up subconsciously to torment me.
In this dream I am mourning the loss of a relationship and refusing the possibility of a new one. All my exes encircled me and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I was so confused considering I know most probably hate me, but then something caught my eye. Each ex wore a shirt that had a list as to why we could never be together. Insecurity, luster, greed, envy, shame, doubt, weak, angry….all were valid reasons….all reasons why we could never fit the puzzle pieces together. You can never force a round peg into a square hole (yeah I know I reversed it). I could never reduce myself enough to make them feel important enough to be with me.
So I woke up prayed, moved forward, and let go.
It’s official I am ending the mancation. I have come to the conclusion that I will not put myself on the shelf. I am way too great of a person to exclud myself from life because someone hurt me (yeah, it hurt a lot). What I’ve learned during my mancation process is that not every man is the same. There are two extremes: confident Alpha men (no I’m not talking about the frat, although the majority of yall….YESSSSSSS!!!) and narcissistic beta males.
An Alpha male is one who is confident and whole within himself. He doesn’t fight for attention or praise from others. He has an inner sense of self that cannot be shaken by anyone else. Cocky, he is not but he does walk with a sense of purpose. He has all his ducks in a row. No illegitimate children running around, he takes care of his family, and makes no excuses when he misses the mark. Most men want to be him and woman want to marry him. His life is full with or without a mate. Sounds great right ladies? We all want this man, our dream. …but unfortunately this is not the man we attract.
I had to be truthful with myself about which of these men I found myself more attracted to…..unfortunately it was the beta male. They can talk a good game but when it comes to true genuine actions they can’t back it up. No matter what a female brings to the table, they can NEVER make the beta male feel secure. Why you may ask? The beta male has to figure out what he needs by himself, which is hard because he continues to search for his wholeness in others. Which in turns leaves the beta male with a trail of broken promises and hearts.
So where does this leave me? Truthfully it has made me take a look within myself. I had to understand why I felt the need to settle. I really felt my faults where too big to deserve anyone who was my equal. Yes I know I’m smart and gorgeous, single, no kids and very independent, but I don’t like to cook (even though I can), I hate folding laundry (that ever growing b***h of a mountain), and I work long hours. I felt I deserved punishment for all of this, like somehow these things didn’t make me good enough. So I settled…..but not now. Now I’m taking the bull by the horns and letting the world know I am good enough.
So now that I’m back on the dating scene I know what I want. I refuse to slip into a situationship because of what I feel I deserve. I will not accept lip service or make excuses for others. I’m too old and too knowledgeable to let that happen again. So here’s to a happy life and cheers to many incredible dates to come.
This Saturday helped me realized things that I enjoy.
1. I really enjoy waking up in the morning and going back to sleep. I’m not a morning person, I am more of a wake up for 2 hours and go back to sleep for an hour type person. This is particularly significant because my profession does not allow this to happen often. It explains why I’m not fully functional until about 9:30-10am, I’m still waking up.
2. I love to clean my house in t-shirt and spanks. No I’m not talking about the figure altering brand of shape contorting under garments. If you have ever played organized volleyball or were a track athlete, you know I’m just referring to really short spandex. It’s actually quite liberating since house work is kinda like a workout anyway lol.
3. Not having to rush out of the house to do anything is THE MOST fabulous thing in the world. During the week I have to complete things for my job, for church, or just helping others out. When I get a Saturday where I get to choose what I truly want to do it is absolute bliss!!
4. Uninterrupted reading time!!! I love to read….for enjoyment. I remember when I graduated from college I vowed to only read for enjoyment…..no text books or manuals or anything educational, and then I became a teacher (p.s. teacher editions are the devil). So when I get time to get lost in a book I relish. I spent the whole day reading, cleaning and eating!! That my friends is what I call the best day ever 🙂