Saying YES…..(not what you’re thinking)

Happy April!!! So after my last blog I have decided to get my life. 35 will not defeat me. So I am going to start taking care of me. Per my last post (yes…please say it like you’re typing someone in an email “per my last email 😑😑”) I am going to be a little more selfish and start focusing on Me and saying yes to Me. I have a plan…. guess I can share it because maybe one of y’all will keep me accountable.

I had to go into my war room (aka my car….. hush your face I pray where I want) this morning and ask God for some help (Nothing will move you more than a dream of you dying…*shutters*). So in my dream last night I died. I literally felt the life leave my body and woke up coughing. It wasn’t the death that scared me more than feeling like I was going to leave this world and no one would notice or care (sorry if this is morbi but…..).Nothing scares me more than dying and not having anything accomplished and no these 3 degrees are not accomplishments to me (and I don’t care what you and ya mama think about it). I felt that in my dream last night. That my hopes and dreams had ended before I could ever get them started….but let me NOT digress. This plan, let’s talk about it.

1. I’m going to read more. My passion for reading has been killed by the distraction of everything. I love reading but as of lately I haven’t been able to read anything except lesson plans and dumb quizzes on facebook. I’m going to start by actually reading Shonda Rhimes Year of Yes. Why this book…. because I forgot how yo say Yes to myself.

2. In May I’m attending a conference called Women Winning at Work, and yes I bought a VIP ticket because I am saying Yes to myself. I really want to be more productive in my career, not only that, I want to be more productive in my endeavers outside my career. I feel this conference will not only push me to achieve better but will light a fire under my feet to get on the good foot (let’s go sugar foot!!!)

3. I am listening to more podcasts and doing my homework. Living in fear of backlash is keeping me from moving forward with something that could be amazing for me. It’s time for me to start pushing myself out in the public eye a little more. I mean yes I’ve done this as an athlete and a coach but I feel that at some point I need to known as this person I am at this minute. I’m not going to be ashamed of mistakes in the past or mistakes in the future, because someone may actually need to hear my story.

4. The book WILL BE DONE BY JUNE. No further explanation needed for that.

Hopefully my few and faithful will continue to push me. HOPEFULLY they haven’t lost faith in me like I have for myself, but if they did I am going to give them something to believe in one more time.

Little razzle dazzel for the one time ❤

Dreams…..

A 6 months ago I had a dream that literally was screaming for me to move forward. No matter how much I feel my old issues are resolved they sneak up subconsciously to torment me.
In this dream I am mourning the loss of a relationship and refusing the possibility of a new one. All my exes encircled me and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I was so confused considering I know most probably hate me, but then something caught my eye. Each ex wore a shirt that had a list as to why we could never be together. Insecurity, luster, greed, envy, shame, doubt, weak, angry….all were valid reasons….all reasons why we could never fit the puzzle pieces together. You can never force a round peg into a square hole (yeah I know I reversed it). I could never reduce myself enough to make them feel important enough to be with me.
So I woke up prayed, moved forward, and let go.

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Smiles are genuine

The Friend Zone….. Dun Dun Dunnnnn

Thank God this year is over. What the hell was 2016’s deal? Like seriously…..you couldn’t leave without taking someone close to me huh? You just had to touch everyone in the horrible way that you knew how…..bastard (I’m going to get in trouble when my mom reads this….)

Anyway okay so a lot of people are scared of it,  few embrace, me…..I love it. Yes I’m talking about the friend zone…..dun dun duuuunnnnn. I seriously enjoy being in the friend zone, why?  Because I actually get a chance to know someone. I can be myself without worrying about if I’m impressing that person or not. I don’t understand what the big deal is about the friend zone…(dun dun duuuunnnnn).

I’m lying, I do know why everyone else in the world hates the dreaded friend zone. We get so wrapped up in rushing things that we can’t take a freaking deep breath and smell the freaking roses. Do we not understand faster isn’t better? I know when I rush I tend to forget things. This year I left my whole coaching bag at the school while traveling to the district cross country meet. I was totally unprepared and had to wing it the whole meet.  Do you get what I’m trying to tell you? Stop rushing and be prepared.
I know we want to live life in the moment, I know we want things when we want them but look it’s not helping us at all.

When you bypass the getting to know you phase, when you push past because you want to see what that mouth do, you bypass all the important parts. What makes the other person happy, what is it that you can compromise because you know something is important to them? What is the person’s character like beyond what their “representative” shows? What is that person’s deal breakers? See all this is important before you try to “stick just the tip in”….(I’m really going to get in trouble for this lmbo). Quit being driven by sexual desire and the need to conquer and posses.

The friend zone should be utilized as a tool not a punishment. Here are some pointers:
– Do not bring up sex while in the friend zone
– Do get to know the person beyond a fat ahh, big boobs,a hard chiseled chest, broad shoulder, etc (God knows I love a good set of shoulders…..yum)
– Learn what makes that person tick
– Do find fun activities without the pressure of thinking it’s a real date or it being extremely expensive.
– DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH SOMEONE IN THE FRIEND ZONE!!!!

You can use the friend zone to your advantage. It can help establish a great friendship with someone even if you don’t end up in a relationship. I promise this will probably cut down on the amount of broken people walking around trying to find someone to make them whole. Man just embrace the friend zone……dun dun duuuunnnnn lol

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Honey I’ve always been fabulous lol

Let the Fun Times Begin…….

It’s official I am ending the mancation. I have come to the conclusion that I will not put myself on the shelf. I am way too great of a person to exclud myself from life because someone hurt me (yeah,  it hurt a lot). What I’ve learned during my mancation process is that not every man is the same. There are two extremes: confident Alpha men (no I’m not talking about the frat, although the majority of yall….YESSSSSSS!!!)  and narcissistic beta males.

An Alpha male is one who is confident and whole within himself. He doesn’t fight for attention or praise from others. He has an inner sense of self that cannot be shaken by anyone else. Cocky, he is not but he does walk with a sense of purpose. He has all his ducks in a row. No illegitimate children running around, he takes care of his family, and makes no excuses when he misses the mark. Most men want to be him and woman want to marry him. His life is full with or without a mate. Sounds great right ladies? We all want this man, our dream. …but unfortunately this is not the man we attract.

I had to be truthful with myself about which of these men I found myself more attracted to…..unfortunately it was the beta male. They can talk a good game but when it comes to true genuine actions they can’t back it up. No matter what a female brings to the table, they can NEVER make the beta male feel secure. Why you may ask? The beta male has to figure out what he needs by himself, which is hard because he continues to search for his wholeness in others. Which in turns leaves the beta male with a trail of broken promises and hearts.

So where does this leave me? Truthfully it has made me take a look within myself. I had to understand why I felt the need to settle. I really felt my faults where too big to deserve anyone who was my equal. Yes I know I’m smart and gorgeous, single, no kids and very independent, but I don’t like to cook (even though I can), I hate folding laundry (that ever growing b***h of a mountain), and I work long hours. I felt I deserved punishment for all of this, like somehow these things didn’t make me good enough. So I settled…..but not now. Now I’m taking the bull by the horns and letting the world know I am good enough.

So now that I’m back on the dating scene I know what I want. I refuse to slip into a situationship because of what I feel I deserve. I will not accept lip service or make excuses for others. I’m too old and too knowledgeable to let that happen again. So here’s to a happy life and cheers to many incredible dates to come.Snapchat-4347591048817667302.jpg

 

When did life get so complicated………

Can someone explain to me when life got so freaking complicated?

I would like to say that I am writing from my nice comfy red couch in my reading room at my house. Drinking a nice glass of wine for……ummm digestive and heart purposes (yeah right). This post is coming from my parents’ house. This is my sanctuary when things get crazy in my mind and the quietness in my house seems too loud. Today is that day. I am overly frustrated with life, and it used to not be this way. I remember a time when I was carefree without a worry in the world. I was about to graduate from from grad school, I had a job and was out of a seven year relationship that I ended (first grown up decision of my life). I had no real expectations about life all I know is that I wanted to live life to fullest and then something happened…………I started living out others expectations on my life.

I know other people (especially those older than us) have the best intentions in mind when it comes to our lives but I can honestly say that it has left me 30 lbs overweight, anxiety ridden and not living the life that i ever had envisioned for myself. It’s not their fault for imparting wisdom, it’s my fault for trying to take all the ideas and perform them at once.

My vision……my vision in life is to help others anyway I can. I don’t want one specific group. I think only using my super human powers (yes I’m a superhero….no for real) to service one group of people is pretty dang selfish. No I’m not talking about healing the world in a month or solving global warming, but giving a smile when someone needs it, or a hug, even being that shoulder for someone to cry on. This is my purpose in life, this is what brings me joy and satisfaction. This is why God gave me this beautiful smile, flirty eyes, gorgeous disposition, and a personality that can light up a room (yes I do know my assets and I will brag about them daily). I wasn’t put on this Earth for just one purpose, I am here to live life 🙂

My issues…….yes I have them and now I am learning how not to be ashamed of them. I CAN NOT be perfect……let me repeat this…..I CAN NOT be perfect nor do I want to be. A perfect life is a boring life and for a while that’s the direction my life was pointed…..BORING!!! My issues have shaped me into the woman I am and the woman I am becoming. As much as I wish I wasn’t a type A, procrastinating, introverted, sleep deprived young lady, it’s who I am. I mean I can’t apologize for and yes I can make a few changes but my flaws and strengths are what have made me who I am.

My body…..my body is beautiful (take that society), it is just as beautiful now as it was when I was working out 5x times a week, eating chicken breast with every meal and drinking about 5 L of water a day. I have been criticised about my shape since before I knew I had a shape. I have been told that I needed to hide it, cover it, reduce it, bind it blah blah blah!!! I have finally realized it doesn’t matter whether I wear a potato sack someone is still going to have a problem with it. But it’s fine because their issues are not mine. It took 32 years to make this body what it is today and if I wasn’t supposed to have any of this then I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be able to carry it so well (POW!! Take that 🙂

These my dear friends are things that I have lost sight of as I have traveled down this road we call life. Neglecting all these wonderful things about myself and listening to others has made me forget how wonderful of a human being I am. I have learned that life becomes complicated when I stopped believing in the person that I am and started believing in the person others wanted me to be. I became frustrated with life when I believed in the expectations others had for my life instead of believing and trusting in the plan I was already on. Life became dissatisfying when I stopped trying to make myself happy and started taking others happiness and satisfaction as a bigger priority.

So as I sit here, I know how to make life less complicated…..I have to trust my life process and believe that all things will work out for me even if it seems a little foggy and I can’t see the end of the road. My life is my life and its the only life I have. I have a choice in making it what it can be……and what I want it to be is a lot less uncomplicated 🙂C360_2015-02-28-20-03-01-094