My mother, my kindred soul…..
Hmm…..where to begin with this post. My name is Janae and I am a huge control freak. No like seriously…..it’s scary. But this year (January to be exact) I had to learn to let go of the control. It has been a roller coaster ride between my faith in God and trying to overcome my need to hold everything together in my own strength. This has caused me to lead the most craziest, anxiety filled, stress ridden, and insanity filled life.
Truthfully I can’t pinpoint a time when all this began (well to the degree it is at the present moment). If you ask my mother I have always been a bit strong willed, forcing my will upon others and wreaking havoc on those who would not obey my will (yes 3-5 year old me was a little shhh…..). I was that child that you told “We can’t buy candy because we don’t have the money for it” and when you reached the counter she still asked for it and threw a huge fit when she knew you would say no (yes every week, Mama, Nana, Thea I am truly sorry….). Yes that was me high understanding no slack in getting my way. I would fight tooth and nail and didn’t care if I got my butt whooped or not (yep, I said it and I thank my parents for doing it). Now in my adult life this has helped to an extent but the fact of the matter: I’m freaking crazy!! (well not hospital crazy, more like functioning psychopath).
There are certain things I just won’t do because I can not control the outcome. For instance I hate casinos and gambling. Absolutely abhor it if I’m spending my own money. I can’t see losing money that I could spend on a great pair of shoes on a game of chance (that I truthfully feel is rigged anyway). This is where me and my dad bump heads (lol I love that man), he always tells me I’m scary (which he knows is the best way to get me to do something….I ain’t never scared). But I just don’t get how people get enjoyment out of it. I’d rather spend my time looking for that perfect pair of shoes that when I wear them my heart skips a beat (yep my money, my fetish).
I keep a small group of friends for a reason and if I let you in that’s big. Hey don’t judge me it’s how I control who affects my emotions (yes….I know but look at the title). I am a seriously friendly person but those who are close to me know I have my times when I just don’t want to be bothered. Yes it seems petty and most people try to figure out how I will ever get married and blah blah blah and here’s my response……..THIS ISN’T YOUR LIFE. I’ve learned from past experiences that letting people in before God tells you to can cause a lot of problems. My favorite example Eve and the serpent……think about it if she wasn’t so quick to listen to somebody other than Adam and God the whole fall of Man thing could have been avoided (my opinion, my blog, hush, keep reading and comment at the end). When “new people” all the sudden pop up I need to find out their intentions before I can let them in. I’m not that desperate for attention that I can’t be by myself (hell I don’t think any human can love me more than I love me).
Now this next one has been the hardest for me but considering it’s part of my faith here goes………at times I have to stop myself from telling God my plans for my life (yes….laugh because I am laughing uncontrollably at the moment). Do you know how crazy I know I look trying to tell God (all powerful, all knowing, ever present, all loving….if you need more characteristics just email I’ll help you) how I want Him to run my life? I can just see Him now shaking His head and chuckling. Doesn’t that sound crazy and deranged? Sometimes after I run off my list to God about how I want my day to go I can honestly hear that still voice saying “Are you done silly girl?”
As of recent in my life it was pretty bad because I have been trying to stay in my comfort zone not realizing it’s time for me to get uncomfortable. See that’s the problem I became a control freak to stay comfortable and content with my life, not understanding that this is how you become stagnant and dead. I’ve been stuck for a while and not registering that I’m dying, emotionally and spiritually. Not loving, not living,just existing for the sake of existing. So as I type this I realize that the adventure I have been on was one of death and if I continue on this road of control nothing will come about but stagnation and extinction. That’s what happened to the dodo bird, couldn’t adapt to its surroundings, was too stubborn to change, so the whole species was wiped away. Will I let that be my fate? Do I really want to be the Dodo bird? (if you know me you know what the answers going to be……survival of the fittest and I am one of the fittest!!!!)
“Falling in love was a solo act. I knew that, had learned that the hard way. You just jumped and hoped your parachute opened.”—– Eric Jerome Dickie
I read this quote from one of my favorite books and it really intrigued me. I started thinking about all the times I thought I had fallen in love.
The preschool boyfriend. I had a boyfriend in preschool and no I wasn’t a fast tailed little girl. My family took us on dates to the library to listen to story time at the library. We shared our juice boxes, fought on the playground and had our first kiss (I think we actually just mushed our faces together…not really romantic). I don’t think I was in love then but I do know I was having fun.
At this point I was the only child and I didn’t have a lot of cousins my age in Missouri. I remember having a playmate that was a boy. There were no titles, no pressure, just someone to play in the sandbox with and challenge to some type of childhood contest ( I bet I can hold my breath longer than you…..nah uh I got asthma lol). It was fun while it lasted we moved onto to kindergarten and went our separate ways,sometimes I wonder if he remembers me.
Middle School Love
The middle school boyfriend. Okay I was full tomboy by this time. We moved to Texas and I got a chance to be around boys for real. I wasn’t fully aware of how my body was changing. The havoc the hormones were wreaking on my life, my parents’ lives, and my cousins’ lives. I was a mess to say the least and that deadly mixture of hormones and killer body made me think I fell in love every month.
Now let me say this again……I WAS NOT A FAST TAILED LITTLE GAL!!! So in the 6th grade I acquired a boyfriend by letting him walk me to class and that was the extent of the relationship. Like seriously he walked me to class and we talked about our acne (how sweet…….GAG MUCH). We didn’t talk on the phone much because I wasn’t a big phone talker(amazing right, still the same way). Looking back, 6th grade boyfriend was the sweetest relationship I’ve ever had because we were able to be open about our flaws and accepted each other regardless of pizza face. Was it love…..nope. Had I fallen….of course not lol but it was still sweet.
High School Love:
High school boyfriend!!!! I only had one real boyfriend my senior year (sorry to the rest of you) and I can positively say that the quote mentioned above fit this situation. I had fallen by myself (suka!!!). It was totally a solo act. I jumped out of the plane, opened my parachute and landed on the ground only to see him still in the plane with two girls that had already graduated. Ha it was joke (but I had the last laugh…..don’t judge me). This one relationship has shaped the few I have had after it, but I still don’t believe falling in love is only a solo act.
The Continual Falling:
From then on I would have a college relationship/engagement and the ones in between. Just know I’m not married but I’m not lonely lol. I type all this to say falling in love can be a solo act or a joint journey, it just depends on your choices. You can choose to fall in love with someone you knew from the start of the relationship that was never meant for you or you can fall together with someone who truly cares and is invested a respects the position that they have in your life.
UPDATE: The Husband
I remember writing the above and really coming to grips with just being single forever. I was good with it honestly. Then came this quiet,tall, chocolate dude who decided to take my heart in his hands and keep it as safe as he could. This time falling in love wasn’t a solo act. We held hands and jumped. Yes I can imagine my life without him but I don’t want it. No it’s not a fairy tale but it’s more than I could ever ask for.
As you can see, things can definitely change with time. I never thought I would be where I am now and I wouldn’t change it at all. Make sure you read previous blogs AND Episode 12 of the podcast had dropped tonight. You can find it here or at linktr.ee/redcouchconfessions.
Okay real talk session, I don’t understand the end of relationships. I guess because I’m usually the one who ends the relationships because I realize time is too precious to waste. So with that being said why do people “hem and haw” (I heard my grandmother’s voice when I typed that) with ending things…..I think I may have a couple of theories (let’s be clear:I’M NOT AN EXPERT, JUST AN OUTSPOKEN FABULOUS INDIVIDUAL WITH AN AMAZING PERSONALITY)….
We are naestalgic…… we hold on past the expiration date to remember the good times. Isn’t that silly? The relationship has moved past the point of enjoyment, you’ve pleaded your case and both parties can’t agree on a solution, as the song goes “LET IT GO! LET IT GOOOO!!!” (God thank you for not letting me have children that sing this song, I swear I’d be in a facility). Think about it this way, it’s like keeping food past the expiration date. Yes it was good for the moment, but now it has your refrigerator stinking and it no longer resembles the dish that you took a picture of and posted on instagram (You ig chef you lol).
Be an adult about it (you are not Peter Pan, you have to grow up). Yeah the truth hurts but at least it’s the truth. Stop saying things like “I’m going to hang out with the girls” or “my FRIEND needs help”. Really? That’s how you are going to try get out of ending things? Or is it you’re just selfish? Be real with yourself and the other person, and give them closure. Playing with another person’s happiness and well being is cruel and selfish (Okay I’m about to get out of my feelings…… nope give me a second….. okay butterflies, cookies, Dwayne Johnson, Lance Gross, Idris Elba… goodness life is good lol).
Okay that took a weird turn….. sorry (seriously back to the funny). But seriously, what is it that makes it so hard to let go or detach? It’s like we are so afraid to let go of the past because we are unsure of our future. But I mean that’s life, that’s why we live. If life was predictable then it would be boring. We are meant to live with the faith that everything will turn out okay, and the truth is it will. Relationships come and go but what matters most is that you learn from each one and experience life as it comes to you 🙂
Disclaimer: if you read too much into this I promise you won’t find anything. Quit being so deep, live and love. And don’t just love, love with reckless abandonment 🙂
After seeing all these cute little kids and babies on my timeline and pictures on instagram, I can officially say I have caught baby fever. I want a cute, chubby faced version of me and someone else that I can love and nurture and spoil until they become too independent and break my heart lol….but seriously my biological clock is ticking so loud I get distracted from everyday tasks thinking about what it would be like to have a child. It has caused me to reevaluate some of my life choices and reasons I have for not having any at this moment……
The first and obvious issue……..I’m not married. My number one issue, I truly believe in first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in the baby carriage. No jabs at the women who are holding it down being a single mother. I understand that life, my mother was actually a single teenaged parent. I just don’t think I’m about that life, I need partnership if I’m going to have a baby, and I’m not talking about co-parenting or any of that new stuff. I need commitment!! Having a child is a huge responsibility, one that should be shared. Plus I really need someone to balance out my weirdness, because I can get a little strange if left to my own vices. I really have to make sure that I have somebody around 24/7 as a good sounding board.
My lifestyle is not conducive to having kids. Once again hats off to the single working moms. I have no idea how you guys do it, seriously (ginseng, ginkgo biloba, an IV of caffeine????) I am an educator and a head coach, half the time I have to set my alarm on my cell phone to make sure I eat, does that really sound healthy for a child. I’m serious, I forget things even when they are written down, put in my cell phone as a reminder, tattooed on my wrist (just joking no wrist tattoos lol) . I couldn’t imagine having to take care of another human being (the thought of the extra laundry alone is making me cringe…..actually the thought of my mountain of laundry….I digress). I truthfully can’t do it on my own, to manage my schedule, sometimes I’m gone for days…..let me put it this way I’m surprised my two plants are still alive.
I’m not quite ready for my body to change. I just don’t know if I can go through with it. I’m already top heavy…..and they grow through pregnancy….. OMG!!!! That will be ri-dunk-ulous!!! I would seriously have to be married so I could get back rubs every night and someone to hold them up when the bra cubes out… (I’m dead serious)
Can someone explain to me when life got so freaking complicated?
I would like to say that I am writing from my nice comfy red couch in my reading room at my house. Drinking a nice glass of wine for……ummm digestive and heart purposes (yeah right). This post is coming from my parents’ house. This is my sanctuary when things get crazy in my mind and the quietness in my house seems too loud. Today is that day. I am overly frustrated with life, and it used to not be this way. I remember a time when I was carefree without a worry in the world. I was about to graduate from from grad school, I had a job and was out of a seven year relationship that I ended (first grown up decision of my life). I had no real expectations about life all I know is that I wanted to live life to fullest and then something happened…………I started living out others expectations on my life.
I know other people (especially those older than us) have the best intentions in mind when it comes to our lives but I can honestly say that it has left me 30 lbs overweight, anxiety ridden and not living the life that i ever had envisioned for myself. It’s not their fault for imparting wisdom, it’s my fault for trying to take all the ideas and perform them at once.
My vision……my vision in life is to help others anyway I can. I don’t want one specific group. I think only using my super human powers (yes I’m a superhero….no for real) to service one group of people is pretty dang selfish. No I’m not talking about healing the world in a month or solving global warming, but giving a smile when someone needs it, or a hug, even being that shoulder for someone to cry on. This is my purpose in life, this is what brings me joy and satisfaction. This is why God gave me this beautiful smile, flirty eyes, gorgeous disposition, and a personality that can light up a room (yes I do know my assets and I will brag about them daily). I wasn’t put on this Earth for just one purpose, I am here to live life 🙂
My issues…….yes I have them and now I am learning how not to be ashamed of them. I CAN NOT be perfect……let me repeat this…..I CAN NOT be perfect nor do I want to be. A perfect life is a boring life and for a while that’s the direction my life was pointed…..BORING!!! My issues have shaped me into the woman I am and the woman I am becoming. As much as I wish I wasn’t a type A, procrastinating, introverted, sleep deprived young lady, it’s who I am. I mean I can’t apologize for and yes I can make a few changes but my flaws and strengths are what have made me who I am.
My body…..my body is beautiful (take that society), it is just as beautiful now as it was when I was working out 5x times a week, eating chicken breast with every meal and drinking about 5 L of water a day. I have been criticised about my shape since before I knew I had a shape. I have been told that I needed to hide it, cover it, reduce it, bind it blah blah blah!!! I have finally realized it doesn’t matter whether I wear a potato sack someone is still going to have a problem with it. But it’s fine because their issues are not mine. It took 32 years to make this body what it is today and if I wasn’t supposed to have any of this then I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be able to carry it so well (POW!! Take that 🙂
These my dear friends are things that I have lost sight of as I have traveled down this road we call life. Neglecting all these wonderful things about myself and listening to others has made me forget how wonderful of a human being I am. I have learned that life becomes complicated when I stopped believing in the person that I am and started believing in the person others wanted me to be. I became frustrated with life when I believed in the expectations others had for my life instead of believing and trusting in the plan I was already on. Life became dissatisfying when I stopped trying to make myself happy and started taking others happiness and satisfaction as a bigger priority.
So as I sit here, I know how to make life less complicated…..I have to trust my life process and believe that all things will work out for me even if it seems a little foggy and I can’t see the end of the road. My life is my life and its the only life I have. I have a choice in making it what it can be……and what I want it to be is a lot less uncomplicated 🙂
My grandmother was a true southern belle. When she became “of age” she turned in her play shoes, patched up pants and hoop dreams (she was a beast at half court lol) to become the epitome of a true southern woman. No she was never stuck up, she just oozed the essence of a well mannered (in public), well spoken, connoisseur of etiquette and beauty. She taught me how to properly set a dinner table, which forks to use at a formal dinner,how to cook gumbo (still haven’t tried her recipe), proper undergarments (I’m still rejecting the girdle), financial advice, dating advice, and how to successfully host a party, get together, soiree, or gala. She was a great wealth of knowledge.
Now there’s me……I can look the part but when it comes to acting the part……that’s another story. I know what a good southern woman should be and do but it just takes too much energy (yes I aware that’s sounds really lazy), but my life is so much different than what my grandmother experienced.
1. Southern belles speak eloquently in any situation. They think before speaking, enunciate every word, address other’s as “sir” or “ma’am”, and are respectful in conversations and wait their turn to speak.
Ha I wish this were me in every situation but I have a tendency to do things a little different. I mumble and ramble sometimes with no clear thought process. If I use sir or ma’am chances are I’m being extra sarcastic and not respectful. Matter of fact I think my blood has extra “sarcastic cells” that run through it, sometimes I can’t even tell the difference.
2. Southern Belles have the most impeccable appearance in public and in private. Every hair is curled, make up is always on, finest of clothing or housecoat, and always abiding fashion rules .
Yeah okay my dress up days are Sundays and that’s not an all the time occurrence (we have polo shirts we were for different Sundays, THANK YOU JESUS). When I go to work I try to at least dress business casual 2 out of the 5 days of the week, what can I say….I’m a teacher and a head coach. We are in season…..what’s easier in the morning suit or sweats…..um yeah if you say suit you’re lying to yourself or I’m just jealous that you make better fashion decisions than I do (po po to you :-P)
3. Southern belles are known to be charming, slightly helpless and extremely polite. Graceful movement and elegance must be worked and anger must never be shown in a public setting.
HAHAHAHHAHA I just laughed when I thought about how I almost tripped today at church but no one caught it but me lol. Graceful would not be a word that I would use to describe any of my movements. On a daily basis I trip, bump into, yank, pull , forcefully exert my will onto others…..does any of that sound graceful to you? Oh and the whole damsel in distress….yeah never going to happen. At one point in my life I could bench press 225 lbs 5x, really helpless, I think never.
4.Southern belles are known for throwing memorable, elegant soirees. True belles are light, sweet and sociable without being overbearing when out for the evening. A certain amount of mystery must be maintained by a belle, even with her most intimate of friends. Cooking for others is often seen as a characteristic of a bonafide belle.
So this whole mystery thing….ummm does it count when you tell the server “Surprise me!!!” when making a beverage? No, well mysterious I am not. Lol I don’t know how to whisper, when I get excited I get microphone voice (you know you start getting louder and louder without even knowing it), and that whole sweet thing yeah not happening lol. I have truly tried but Lord knows when I get out and have fun especially with my girls, I just become more than the life of the party (does that mean I get annoying??…ehhhh). And having anything at my house means that all my laundry is folded, floors are vacuumed and I have been home during the week to do (which means it aint going to happen)
No I’m sure I my life where a little less complicated, I worked less hours, my job thought I was human and not a computer, etc, I could lead the life of true Southern Belle, but until then I can play dress up and pretend. But my true nature will always dominate. I am who I am, a successful, thirty something educator, who hates doing laundry, hopes to at least put on mascara in the morning, and for dang sure will never be a damsel in distress!
This Saturday helped me realized things that I enjoy.
1. I really enjoy waking up in the morning and going back to sleep. I’m not a morning person, I am more of a wake up for 2 hours and go back to sleep for an hour type person. This is particularly significant because my profession does not allow this to happen often. It explains why I’m not fully functional until about 9:30-10am, I’m still waking up.
2. I love to clean my house in t-shirt and spanks. No I’m not talking about the figure altering brand of shape contorting under garments. If you have ever played organized volleyball or were a track athlete, you know I’m just referring to really short spandex. It’s actually quite liberating since house work is kinda like a workout anyway lol.
3. Not having to rush out of the house to do anything is THE MOST fabulous thing in the world. During the week I have to complete things for my job, for church, or just helping others out. When I get a Saturday where I get to choose what I truly want to do it is absolute bliss!!
4. Uninterrupted reading time!!! I love to read….for enjoyment. I remember when I graduated from college I vowed to only read for enjoyment…..no text books or manuals or anything educational, and then I became a teacher (p.s. teacher editions are the devil). So when I get time to get lost in a book I relish. I spent the whole day reading, cleaning and eating!! That my friends is what I call the best day ever 🙂