#Lessonslearned Self Destructive Behaviors Is What I Used To Do

self destruction

Hey hey kids!!! I am still here, still going strong. #30daysofblogging has been a completely amazing journey. Day 15 is in full effect and the halfway mark. I had to take a brief break to recover from the weekend. No I wasn’t kickin it (lol waiting until the Girls Trip 2019), but Chris had his first catering job. I am super proud of him and the amazing job he did. If you are in the Houston/Dallas area and you need amazing food made by a professional chef contact All or Nunn Catering. He does food prep, intimate date nights and large parties. Okay enough with me gushing over bae, let’s talk about self destructive behaviors.

Since I started this blog I have been fighting some bad habits and behaviors. I knew I had to change some self destructive tendencies I had adapted into my life. Why, because they just made it easier to traverse through life. Now just because something feels good doesn’t mean it’s right…and that’s my TED talk 🤷🏾‍♀️. I kid, but I’m going to be transparent about my foolishness.

Negative Self Talk

I wrote an entry earlier this year about the damage of negative self talk and how to move forward. Negative self talk is a cancer to your life. I know for a fact that the majority of my other self destructive tendencies stem from this one right here. Think about it, if you have nothing positive to say about yourself how can you believe what anyone else says about you. I used negative self talk to beat others negative criticism about me, and the crazy thing is that no one else was doing it but me. I had to shift my way of thinking about myself in order to appreciate the things that I have been doing as much as everyone else around me.

Failing to Take Action

I used to be the queen of planning things but never moving past the plan. So much so I was being honored with an award and right before I told everyone who was supposed to show up that I wasn’t coming. Why, because of failure to action. I didn’t want to do it because it would bring attention to me. And by bringing attention to me people would see that I wasn’t worth the award. Now do you see that stupid way of thinking? Just dumb….I don’t want to act because it will bring attention to me.

Oh here’s another one I fail to act because I’m afraid of failure. I am so afraid of failure that I will not act. Therefore I wouldn’t know if my idea would work or not because I DIDN’T ACT. What foolishness is this. I’m in a rut because I refused to act and it’s no one else’s fault but mine. Chillleeee if y’all don’t give me an offering after this…..LAWD. My book is not done yet because of fear of failure. I don’t do Facebook/IG live because of fear of failure. I don’t act so I DON’T SUCCEED.

Hiding From Emotion

I was the emotionless queen for a while. I didn’t have appropriate emotional responses to certain situations. Instead of being sad anger was the only response I could show when I was hurt. I never cried l and I only showed love to my family and really close friends. And when I did cry it was usually because I was so angry and I knew I couldn’t do anything about it. How confusing is was this to others? Honestly I was the epitome of the stereotypical “Angry Black Woman”.

I started to see the effect it had on my relationships and knew I had to change. I realized showing emotions was not weakness and angry does not make me strong (but it did make me look crazy).

Sabotaging Relationships

Hello my name is Janae and I used to utterly DE-STROY relationships. You don’t do something I like? Gone. I get a bad vibe….skert skert (sorry I’m listening to Migos lol). Why, I think it has to do with showing emotions and being vulnerable. I didn’t want ANYONE think that they could do anything to hurt me. So relationships l, for me, were only temporary and based on my needs getting satisfied. Sure the other person might have thought I was being sweet and caring, but in reality I was counting down to the days I would ghost them (I didn’t say I have always been a great person). I didn’t learn it was possible to have a healthy relationship until I started to work on myself. That was when I decided to stop sabotaging my relationship with myself so that I could actually have healthy relationships with others.

That’s what this blog and podcast are all about. I really want people to see that I know where you’re coming from and I can get you to where you want to go. Life is hard, but when you add self inflicted pain from self destructive behaviors it becomes sad and lonely. Do yourself a favor and let that stuff go. You need to drop your guard and have healthy boundaries.

 

#LessonsLearned: I Don’t Have Time

I don't have time
Day 8 and away we go. Just a recap, #30daysofblogging is still going strong. I am in a better mental place AND my productivity is kicking booty. I got something I need to get off my chest though. My really good sister-friend Kimbrella uses one of my favorite phrases to state how she feels about foolishness “I DON’T HAVE TIME!!!” That’s the way I feel about certain things in life….I DON’T HAVE TIME. Anything that’s not productive or life changing is a waste of time I do not have. What’s the purpose of putting energy into things that aren’t beneficial to my life right now. I have enough on my plate as it is.
Things I DO NOT have time for:

Hyper judgmental people:

Why, WHY must we still be on this judgmental thing: Like it’s 2019, we’ve had a black president, taken multiple trips to the moon and outer space, even electric cars. People still have opinions about what others are doing with their lives. Guess what there’s more than one way to do things, so stop. Stop getting mad because people aren’t doing what you think they should do. Also how about you go judge ya mama because she probably ain’t doing nothing you want her to do either.

People who are just mean for the simple fact of being mean:

So I was looking through my comments and ratings for the podcast and somebody gave me a one star rating. Now if I wasn’t secure in myself I would have been shaken, but come on now lol 1 star hahahhaha that’s hilarious. Which leads me to this, why are you so miserable with your life that you have to make everyone else miserable? What is your purpose? Do you need a hug? Or maybe just something productive to do like actually doing something semi positive for someone else…..just maybe.

People who try to find you even though you’ve blocked them on pretty much everything:

If I block you guess what DON’T FIND ME ON ANYTHING ELSE. It means leave me alone. Don’t you find it strange that you are telling me to call you from LinkedIn and it’s not about a job opportunity. I don’t have time for your foolishness that’s why you were blocked in the first place.

People that are stuck:

Okay so you are stuck. You are in a place in your life that is uncomfortable and you don’t know your next move. We have all been there but you don’t have to stay in that position. You can make a plan and get out. It may not be easy but you can do it. Life is too short to dwell in a dead place and no one wants to constantly hear about it. So if you’re stuck…..MOVE something…anything just move.

People who lie about the most simple things:

My God in Heaven, why lie about the simplest things. Now I know sometimes people tell “white lies” to get out of tough situations, I get it. Is it right, nope but I get it. Now here’s my issue, when you lie all the freaking time for things that don’t even matter. Like I don’t get it. Here’s the issue, once you tell one lie, you have to keep lying. Look telling the truth may be hard but it’s the best way to go.
I hope this isn’t as petty as it sounded while I was typing it. But when I say I don’t have time, I mean I DON’T HAVE time. Honestly no one really has time for any of this foolishness. And neither should you. As I have told many of my students, life is too long AND too short to deal with any of the above or anything else you feel is just interfering with you living your best life. Make sure you listen to the podcast tomorrow which will be live on Facebook at 8 pm. We are going to talk about the journey to living a fulfilled life.

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#LessonsLearned: Music Soothes My Soul

Music for my heart

Day 7, Hey hey Kids!! Still on this amazing journey and I can notice a difference. If you are new, you are joining the me during a #30daysofblogging challenge.  I decided to do this to fight my depression and become more productive. I can honestly say that my plan is working, with the help of some banging music. Honestly I am in such a better head space it’s not even funny. I thank God and my support system for helping me to keep it together. My husband MADE me talk to him (which he can do that because I love him). He allowed me to speak my truth without any judgement or even trying to “fix” me. I’m not used to just venting and letting go, and he allowed me to do that very thing that I was in desperate need of.

Let’s get into the meat of this thing. Today isn’t anything really juicy, no real sarcasm or extra foolishness. Just want to talk about the music that’s feeding me at the moment. Now look some of these songs aren’t entirely spiritual and deep because that’s not what I listen to when I workout. I feel that there’s a time and place for everything, even music. When I workout that’s my time for the most ratchet part of my heart to come out. So let’s get into what I’m listening to……

A Great Work by Brian Courtney Wilson

This song has been helping me keep my head up. You know some times it’s frustrating trying to live up to the greatness that everyone sees in you. There are days that I feel like I can’t live up to anyone’s expectations, even my own. This song helps me to remember that I am not in this thing called life alone. The greatness that is in me, the fight to accomplish, the fight to be better than what I want to be, has noting to do with anything that I could have ever planted in myself. It’s a response to what has been in me since birth. When this fire was planted in me it was a fight to not only benefit me but others who I encounter. I may not be training for a track meet or another competition. This is a fight to complete this work that God has placed within me.

The Homecoming Album by Beyonce

Look you can have whatever opinion you want but this grown woman is killing it business wise. Beyonce has created a legacy for her children’s children. If you haven’t watched the Netflix special behind the production of the performance then you need to. The whole backstory is crazy and she pushed herself to the max to put on one hell of a show. So every mix on that album tells me not only am I capable because I am a Woman but I am capable because of who I believe I am.

Press by Cardi B

Now I warned you, and you can’t say I didn’t (refer to the second paragraph) please and thank you). Look this song has gotten me through the worst of leg day for the past two weeks. Talking about PRESS….what better way to tell me to throw up some weight. Soon as that beat drops that part of my lil rachet soul starts to flex (okay it’s not ratchet but you get what I mean).

Now do I have other music on the rotating ever evolving playlist, I sure do. But for now this is what’s keeping me going. Make sure you tune into the podcast that”s going to be on Facebook live at 8 pm tomorrow. Please please please go to https://linktr.ee/redcouchconfessions  to like, subscribe and follow on the different listening platforms (ESPECIALLY YouTube).  We will be discussing what happens when you’re filled but not fulfilled and what you can do.

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#lessonslearned Adulting Is A Scam

Adulting sucks

 

Hey, hey, and hey!! #30daysofblogging is still going strong. Let’s talk about this scam called adulting. I hate it!!! I blame my parents and those adults I had constant contact with through the years. They made it seem like they were having an absolute ball, when in reality they were just fumbling through it too. I have a couple of things I want to get off my chest so adulting will know that I’m onto it’s scam (lil B.A.N… all me what this means in person and I’ll tell you).

 

Life is full of boring, repetitive, mundane tasks.

It’s all stupid!! All of it! Look I thought I was going to have an adventure everyday in adulthood. I could do what I want, when I want and how I want. Nope it’s all a farce. The most excitement I get in a day is realizing all my bills are paid and I have enough money leftover to maybe get a drink. Seriously Adulting meme 1there’s not a day that doesn’t go by where I’m NOT listening for something to make a weird noise or breaks down. Ughhh which reminds me I have to look for someone to replace the roof soon (I DON’T WANNA DO IT!!!!)

 

None of us really know what we’re doing

I’m a teacher by profession which really sucks because the EXPECTATION is that I have this adulting thing down.When your students see you they see a beaming pillar of adulthood….right? No, nope, uhhh uhh, nah. None of us adults really know what we are doing. It’s like we are all walking around in the dark trying not to trip over furniture, just some of us have been doing it longer than others.Adulting meme2

I see it like this each generation is looking to get advice from the one before us but honestly it’s all just what we experienced in life. Don’t believe me? Okay do this, go talk about a problem with someone who you think is more adult than you and really listen to their advice. If you listen closely you can hear the absolute insecurity behind their confidence. They really don’t know if their advice is going to help your situation. I’m pretty sure most of our grandparents are looking at life and wondering how could they EVER relate to the things we’re going through.

 

Making friends is hard

I love my friends I really do, but making friends now isn’t as easy as when you were little. Back then it was simply “Do you want to play____” or “I like you hair/dress/doll/….etc”. As adults we are trying to figure out who is the most comfortable with our trauma. Who will accept all my issues and say “Sure, let’s be friends”. You have to find somebody who’s willing to be vulnerable with your issues and you have to be the same with theirs.

 

Family…..ummm

Family is a little different when adulting as well. You start to realize you may love them but ummm you don’t really like them. You start to see the toxic qualities and realize they aren’t really healthy to be around. Family begins to become who you accept in and not always what you were born into (I think I said that right). You get to define family and you don’t have to feel guilty about it.  

 

Your dreams don’t mean Sugar Honey Ice Tea

I swear I cried when my dreams of adulthood slowly began to fade. As someone once told me “Your dreams don’t mean $#:+”, and they were right. As you get older you figure out dreams are not fairytales. Things don’t just fall into place….. unless your born into a wealthy family. Your dreams are your vision, your visions evolve into plans and your plans require work. Your dreams don’t mean $#:+ if all your going to do is talk about them.  You don’t want to be THAT friend that has all the bright ideas and dreams but only talks about it. You will soon see the people around you will start to move around when you talk about your BIG IDEAS (insert eyeroll).

Adulting meme 3

The only real comfort I can give you is this: adulting might be a scam BUT you can have some good times along the way.

1.Cherish every moment

2. Don’t hold onto foolishness

3. Be genuine

4. Accept everybody for who they are, not whthey can give you.

#lessonslearned: My Faith ALWAYS Pulls Me Through…….

 

Faith: Bible and my picture

Day 4, blog 4 and here we go. If you are just tuning in well let me catch you up. I am doing a #30daysofblogging challenge to fight depression and stay productive. The things that have kept me pushing forward are my family, my friends and my faith. My faith is what has always kept me rooted and grounded in the best kind of way. It’s been the one thing that has always been there to pull me through life.

My RELATIONSHIP not my religion

I have a firm solid relationship with God that has been tested and tried in the fire. I knew that a relationship with God was more than hoping that I get what I needed from Him, like a genie in a bottle. There’s a difference between the two. Religion keeps you in a box. A relationship frees you from that box. I learned the difference from living life. See in my mind I had to be the good little church girl which I was trying my hardest to be.

I was at church every Sunday, bible study every Wednesday night, prayer meetings, conferences, working with the youth, singing in the choir, child I tried it. You know trying to be the model christian girl, the one others looked up to, the “Chosen One” in the church. Therefore, I was working so hard at putting up this front that I was screaming on the inside and was miserable, not because I was serving God but I was trying too hard. Sounds confusing right….well let me explain.

The Change

I learned that I couldn’t bribe God with good behavior. The process I had to work through was that I knew that God had called me and chosen me. Even if I didn’t feel like I was worthy. I was miserable because I was trying to make everyone proud and instead actually being genuine.Now don’t get me wrong I’m still trying to figure out the perfect balance for my life. I do know that God wants me to enjoy the earth and the things He has blessed me with. And that my life is in His hands, my faith is the reason I move in confidence and not in fear.

The remedy

Now am I not saying I’m perfect….heck to the no. I’m pretty sure at some point I have broken a few commandments while writing this blog (help my mouth Lord!!!). If you’re offended after reading this all I can tell you right now is to stop reading my blog or listening to the podcast all together. And if you feel the need to judge me…..honey judge your mama. Child please don’t go running to your pastor. First of all this is what works for me, because it’s my relationship not your’s. But I can tell you this, I feel a much bigger connection.

Inspiration

Now let me leave you with some scriptures that help me to continue pull through, every single day:

  1. Ephesians 3:20
  2. Philippians 4:13
  3. Proverbs 4:23
  4. Isaiah 41:10
  5. I Peter 5:7

Like I said before, I am definitely not trying to tell you how to serve God. My goal is to try to be as transparent as possible and not have you believe there’s some mystical nonsense to God. Just believe and listen, I promise things will change. No you won’t always get what you want, but remember GOD IS NOT A GENIE. That’s not the way life works.

#lessonslearned: What About Your Friends….

I don’t know if ya’ll are going to get tired of me or not but here I am again. If you are new and reading then let me catch you up. In order to fight this battle against depression I am doing #30daysofblogging challenge. I am just trying to make sure I stay productive, transparent and true to myself. It’s really exciting to look forward to creating something new and committing to it each day. This entry is dedicated to some of the most influential people in my life, my friends. As the popular 90’s girls group would say “What about your frieeeennnnnndddddssss”. I posted an article on my Facebook account that talked about how the majority of your friends really don’t like you. Which is inconceivable (Name that movie in the comments lol) but I believe it.

I love each and everyone even the ones who judge and talk about me behind my back. Why, because at some place in their inner core they are still who they were when I met them. Now does this mean I deal with them the same, hell no. Did you not just read that first line? Just because I love someone does not mean that I can trust them. Baby life has shown me that when a person has shown you their actions believe that and not their lip service. I digress….this is not about that. I just want to talk about the different type of friendships you may encounter in life and some of the pitfalls that can come between the relationship if you let it.

The Childhood Friend:

This is your friend who has known you since before you could even think about adulting. The friend who can recall when you got your first bra, period, boyfriend and heartache. This is the friend who knows your secrets and will take them to the grave. She/He will have your back until the end and will never let anything come between your friendship….unless. The hard thing about this type of friendship is it hurts when they change on you and I’m not talking about the good kind of change. What destroys this relationship is when one of the parties begins to feel like you aren’t doing what they feel you should do.Quote about friendship

They stop being true themselves and you. They can’t accept the positive changes that are happening in your life because they want you to stay the exact same. If you get to this point make sure you try to rectify the situation and bring it to their attention. This friend will either hear you out and see your truth OR they will just continue to live the lie that they have created for themselves.

Friends Made In Crisis:

This is a friendship that’s starts through crisis. Through some kind of tragic life event and they support you through it. They offer amazing advice, a shoulder to cry on, or just a listening ear. These friendships create strong support systems. Now they hard part is can this friendship stand times of peace. This is usually when crisis friendships end. They can’t last unless something crucial is happening.

Co-worker Friends:

It is hard to make have friendships in the place where you work. often times you just want to go to work and go home. In the event where you do make friends with co-workers, it can make your work day go by with less stress and more support. No the downfall of this can be if that co-worker friend doesn’t know how to separate work from personal. It’s when they step outside the lines and bring up something extremely personal in front of other co-workers who don’t know personal details. This is when you have to set boundaries. Co-worker friends need to know everybody is not invited to the friendship party.

First Time Hit It Off Friends:

I honestly love these type of friends, they can be the BEST friends ever or your worst enemies (don’t judge me, I like a gamble). You meet a person at a gathering and you know immediately that ya’ll are just going to kick it forever in life. A month later you are on a girls trip like you’ve known each other for all of your life. The best thing about these type of friendships is that there’s no preconceived ideas about anything. Get to know that person for who they are and not what they used to be. Now this friendship can still be a little dicey. I mean sociopaths are charismatic when you first meet them. So you may have to slow things down to make sure they are who they say they are.

Friends by Association:

These aren’t really friends but they are friends of friends so they must be cool right. Ugghhh nope not at all. You have to be really careful, they could just be using someone else in the friend group. With this type of friendship I would keep my distance and get to know the person before you truly call them a real friend.

Well I hope this was informative. I can think of one person in each of these categories and how the friendship has impacted my life. I feel if you don’t have friends you need to evaluate your life and to see what is causing you to be so closed off. Friends are there to love you, support you, make bad decisions with and tell you about yourself. How can you grow as a person if you don’t have that in your life? Make sure you tune into the podcast next week. I think I am actually going to make it a viewer’s choice episode because I need something lighthearted and fun in my life.

#lessonslearned I Wanna Do Over

Have you ever wondered what if your life went different? The “What ifs” are sometimes what keeps us moving forward in life. I always wonder what would happen if things went a tad bit different. I get that my past has shaped who I am today, but I still some times have a few “What if” questions that stay in the back of my mind. There are things in my life that I am extremely proud of: 2 Master’s in Education, owned my home home before 30, an amazing family, great sister friends, etc. I just really wanna do over!!!

Do Over: No credit card at 18….

I promise I am so happy that universities have stopped credit card companies from preying on college students. Now my credit card usage was okay, but that was a lot of responsibility to hand to me at 18. I didn’t turn 18 until the first day of classes my freshman year in college. My parents taught me a little about credit: make sure to pay your bills on time and not missing payments. To hand a high rate card to an unsuspecting immature 18 year old is like giving a gun to a baby. It’s not fair.

Do Over: No serious relationships until 21….

Okay this one is a reach but hear me out. I was really not ready for the relationship I had in college. I was still trying to find myself. Doing that and trying to date was craziness. Most of the fights we had were mostly because we were fighting to let our true self to be heard. I remember when we broke up I was sad because I knew I was losing a friend but I was free. There was a freedom to discover

the things I liked and disliked. A freedom to express myself the way I wanted and not try to keep myself as 18/19 year old for the rest of my life. Check out my post The Solo Act, my journey in random situationships.

Do Over: I would have JUST did it

I held myself back from a lot of things because of others.There was an invitation to try out for the US bobsled team, but I let my relationship keep me in Missouri. I was invited to go on an

backpacking tour out of the country but I stayed. It was always a struggle between making sure everybody else was okay and my feelings. Instead of doing what I do now, NOW I just act and think more about how it will bring value to my life. At the end of the day that’s all that really matters, how I feel about my life and how it turns out is the only thing that matters in the end
This “What ifs” are the reason why I live my life the way I do now. No more regrets, no more welllll, I’m just living my life to the fullest. I’m sure people don’t like but IDGAFF…..I’m going to make sure what I do honors me and makes this world freaking amazing. Check out the podcast and go look at some of the new MERCH!!

Marriage

#lessonslearned: Top 5 Newlywed Mistakes in Marriage


Marriage

 

Look I’m new to this thang but I peep game. As much as I never thought I would be happily married….here I am being happy AND married. These are the top five things that are actually helping me steer away from certain marriage pitfalls. Also check out me and my husband on the 7th episode of the podcast Confessions From A Red Couch, make sure you subscribe and like the video

Trying to hold onto complete independence

Biggest lesson I’m still learning is that it’s not him taking care of me or me taking care of him. We are taking care of each, the weight is not solely on one individual. I have to fight daily to understand this concept, because I’m accustomed to taking care of everything by myself for myself. Now I constantly have to shift my thinking from ME to WE. There’s no more just put your head down and power through it.  Now we have to talk about certain decisions….which leads to the next mistake.

Communication is key AND Comprehension is crucial

It’s one thing to hear someone and another thing to listen. In a new marriage it is important that you listen to each other. Listen to you spouse’s words, emotions, message. Don’t just hear to respond. Don’t hear and interject your feelings. What they are saying has absolutely nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. It may not make you feel great hearing it and you may not even agree with it, but you have to listen. Effective communication and comprehension is key to keeping a marriage healthy and thriving.

Agree to disagree…..

You were two different people who lead two different lives before you got married. I know people sell you this idea that you *wILl FiNIsh eACh OthErS sEnTEnCeS* and be simpatico (excuse me while I gag). Y’all that’s all apart of a fairy-tale that DOES NOT EXIST. Stop putting that pressure on each other. You will not agree on everything and that’s okay. What’s not okay is to keep an argument going because you can’t let it go. Remember you married that person because you loved them for who they are, not because y’all agreed on everything. Let things go and come to a compromise so you can move forward in a loving life together.

Marriage is serious but I’m going to need you to laugh

Who ever told them marriage isn’t fun lied to you. My Nunny Bear and I literally crack each other up on a daily. Why? If I can’t laugh at the person I’m going to be with forever then what’s the freaking point? Like seriously, I would hate to be in a marriage when all we do is argue and frown at each other all day. I’d rather be single and happy then deal with that bullspit. Yes there will be times where you have to handle serious situations (health scares, finances, death, job loss, etc) but they should never steal the joy you have on your bond.

Sex is for more than procreation…..I DON’T CARE!!!

SEX IS IMPORTANT AND FUN!!!

I have no clue why people are lying about this.  And the men and women who are living this lie and using the bible…..didn’t read the whole book. They stopped too early, and I’m talking about Genesis early. Who hurt you so much that you don’t sex feels good…..NEW FLASH: IT’S SUPPOSED TO!! It’s how partners connect. Yes you can do it without physical touch, but it’s supposed to lead to that.

I’m not an expert by any means but I will say I had a lot of great examples in life. But also remember, I am the woman who never thought she would have had this amazing life changing experience. I’m not perfect and he isn’t either but we both fight to make this work in a positive way for as long as we both should live.

#Lessonlearned: Improving dating In the 21st Century

I know….I know! You’re thinking “Girl aren’t you married” and “This has nothing to do with improving any type of relationships”. But, let’s think about the purpose of dating apps, they are supposed to deliver potential partners to singles in their area What you really get is a modge podge of foolishness. If dating apps did what they advertise then we would have more successful relationships. Instead you get a site that allows con artists, criminals, creeps, perverts and the like to prey on those who are just looking for suitable companions. Yes….why yes, I have had my fair share of foolishness on dating app (check out the post When did the Roles Reverse).This is my way of telling dating apps and sites that they need to do better!

Automatic background checks

This headline alone says it all: Dating App Killer . He used a popular dating site to lure unsuspecting women in, and well you can read about the rest. The issue is he had a past of violence against women. I feel that in order to cut down on issues like this there should be a link to a county’s arrests records. Sounds Big Brother-ish, but this will cut down on the amount of criminal activity that can happen when using dating apps. And it’s already avaliable for free!

Marital status check

Read these words as I type: STAY OFF DATING APPS IF YOU ARE MARRIED!!!! Aht aht!! Stop dating while married. You’re ruining it for the rest of the single folks and giving them trust issues. If you want to cheat they have an app for that, use that one. Stop it!! Dating apps can link county records to find marriage and divorce decrees. I am just now figuring this out, and it could have saved me a lot of frustration when I was in the dating game.

Employment/ entrepreneurial status

I understand employment status should not mean you can’t date. If you don’t have to work, that’s one thing. If all you have to offer is penis or vagina, then you should really just focus on yourself. There should be a way to check this. If there is a way to check someone’s living situation you can definitely check who they say they are employed with, or even if they have a valid DBA.

5 latest post on social media

In this day and age social media is a great indicator of someone’s personality. Yes, I know you are thinking people aren’t their true selves on social media, but it does give you a glimpse into the way their mind works. Seeing a person’s social media can help you see a persons interests or if they are just posers (fake woke, extreme right, sexist, etc).

Rating system after each date

I don’t know how fair this would be, nor do I care. I think you should be able to rate the person honestly after the first encounter. Of course, it would be based on certain criteria, and then there should be an overall experience rating. If you’ve watched the show Four Weddings then you know what I’m talking about. The people with the lowest ratings get kicked off the app. I don’t care some people just shouldn’t date.
You have to do a little searching on your own. Be diligent about who you date and what you’re getting yourself into.
Resource Link: Harris County Records

#LessonsLearned I Failed at….

 

 

Happy April!! I have missed you guys since the last post. But here we are back together again. I want to talk about something that very few of us like to talk about. Failure!!! The big F word. I wrote an earlier post about recovering from failure. Failure can be a driving factor to succeed or to do nothing. Most of the times we run from failure because it’s not fun to say we didn’t get the desired outcome. failure is the biggest teacher in life. It has taught me so many lessons, most were quiet and no one really noticed. Some were public and embarrassing. What I have learned is this, when you fail it’s not the end of the world. So here are some areas where I royally blew it and how it taught me to succeed and do better.

Failure at Explaining myself

A long time ago I felt it was necessary to explain my intentions. I wanted people to hear why I did xyz and what my emotional, physical and metaphysical reasoning for a decision that had nothing to do with anybody but me. I felt I needed the world to know my intentions for my every move. You know what happened…..I was still misunderstood. People would still get their panties in a bunch or twist my words to seem negative.
So I stopped. I started making moves without answering others questions. Writing this blog, my move. Starting a podcast….my move. It was liberating. I stopped worrying what people were thinking about my decisions and actions and just started living. It helped me to make important without asking for permission. I guess this leads into the next one…..

Failure at Living up to others expectations

Lord knows I tried my hardest to fit into boxes others molded for my life. I really did, but it wasn’t comfortable. It always felt a pair of shoes that were ill fit. Just felt odd, like I was wearing a mask. It wasn’t until one day I looked in the mirror and cried because I didn’t like what I saw in the mirror. I was uptight, stressed, and closed minded. How could I love anybody else if I didn’t love myself enough to be myself?
I began to take suggestions about how and what I should have been doing with a grain of salt. Sure I have the degrees and titles but what would be the purpose of acting like I was better than anyone I was trying to serve? So I began to make sure that I was happy with who I was to myself and others. Did I care if I met others’ expectations…nope. This is my life to live not theirs, and I am going to live it being true to myself.

Failure at Checking and responding to email

This one may not seem as deep as the others but let me help you out. Important information comes through my personal, work and business email daily. If I don’t check either one with consistency AND follow up it could mean loss of a sponsor, missed parent/student communication, missed opportunities, and the worst missed money. I actually lost a job because I didn’t follow up with an email. Yes missed money all because I didn’t take the time out to read.
Now I check my email three times a day. I make sure I follow up with my school’s administration, my parents, my readers/listeners, and other opportunities. As of now some of those don’t pan out but the majority of the time they do. So I make it a point to employ a 24 hour rule when it comes to email communication. I flag unanswered emails and make sure they are priority. The age we are in now, email is a vital part of effective communication. I will never drop the ball like that again.

What have you failed at that has made you more successful now? Please comment the lessons you have learned from failure. I love to know what you have done to progress into a better person.