Braiding chair confessions

This has been the first time I’ve had time to sit and type since the beginning of the year. I had a whole plan to do a re-launch of my blog and book this year and then guess what happened…..LIFE! Life hit me like a ton of bricks at the beginning of this year and I’m so glad that today is a new day. Thank goodness I can start over and return to the plan at hand but until then let’s talk about some things.

Okay in this season I’m learning how to forgive and be forgiven. I’m too old to hold grudges or even think about holding one. I’m at a point where instead cutting everyone off, I need to understand everyone’s actions aren’t done to spite me. I’m realizing that everyone makes mistakes and the mistakes that aren’t detrimental to my health or well being can be forgiven and moved past. I don’t want to be that woman that can’t have healthy relationships with people. I don’t want to be that mean spiteful lady that no one wants to get close to. I just want to love and be loved, without judgement or alterior motives.

I will never be perfect. I’ve tried it and it gets me in more trouble than just being myself. I’m learning how to be more truthful about my faults. I procrastinate, I hate it when things aren’t done my way, I know I’m supposed to see things as black and white but I can’t. Because of all these things I do things that everyone can’t understand. But I do know I’m loyal and I will put everyone else’s needs above mine. It’s who I am. I choose to accept my faults and others. If I know I’m not perfect I can’t expect anyone else to meet some ridiculous standard I have set.

I’m learning to listen to people to hear them and not just to give a response. I want to hear what people are saying now instead of just defending my point. We are so caught up with trying to make sure we say what we need to say that we can’t HEAR what people are trying to communicate. Just a bunch of noise…..that’s all I hear is noise when people talk. I’m tired of noise.

All this to say 35 is forcing me to grow up. I don’t want to participate in childish games anymore. It’s tiring and making me look old and put on stress weight. I just want to live and let live. Love without parameters and enjoy those who want to be enjoyed.

Ghosted…..

Hey kids!! I haven’t been as active as I wanted to this year but I’m going to do a better job next year. I am excited for this year coming up. Great relationship, new career moves and I’ll be done with my book (thank God!!!)

Dating tip: Nobody is ever too busy to see you. They’ll make time for what’s important. Don’t play yourself….move around and be happy❤

We’ve all been there you’re talking to someone, getting a pretty good vibe, you go on a couple of dates, phone conversations are amazing, you are feeling like this person could help you end the crazy cycle of dating. But then it happens…. phone calls are less frequent, text messages turn into one word responses and then….out no where…*puff* that person disappears.

Now look there’s a whole bunch of reasons this could happen: they were in between choosing you and someone else, they realized you wanted more than they could give, you said something that threw the vibe off… etc. To be honest I’ve been on both sides of this and I have ghosted men for far more petty reasons than this (if you contact me before 7 am on the weekend or holiday break I can’t roll with you). Either way it’s not a great feeling and only a sociopath would be okay with ghosting (only you can prevent sociopathic tendencies)…..so consider this a guide to get over being ghosted.

1. It really isn’t you….I promise it’s them….

Now look as much as you want to try to figure out whats wrong with you and how could you have done anything different….well you can’t/couldn’t. It’s a process the “ghost” has to walk themselves through. The only thing you can ever control in this brief blip in your dating life yourself. As long as you were your authentic self there is nothing you could have done differently. So don’t think if you change who you are then it will help the next time because well it won’t. Continue to be the beautiful light that you are and you will be recognized.

2. Set your boundaries

You need to make sure you have” hard nos” to safeguard yourself. When you set boundaries it will help you avoid ghosting. Now this doesn’t mean the person will pick you to date but it will help you make sure the boundaries you set for yourself aren’t violated.

3. Moving forward……

Okay now look dating sucks especially in today’s society. Hell it seems like “let’s just see what happens” is the new title for relationships these days. It keeps one foot in and one foot out, this is what makes ghosting so easy. But you don’t have to go with the flow, move forward expecting a real grown up relationship (guess this goes with number 2). You will either end up in a real life realtionship or continue being the best single person you can be. Either way make sure you are happy and content with the life that you are going to continue to live.

4. Do not expect closure…..create it for yourself.

The ghost will never give you the closure you feel you deserve (I promise this was the best advice I received from a man). There is nothing anyone can say to help you move on, it has to be your choice. Will you move forward or will you continue to harp on something you can’t change? My advice is to forgive yourself and move on. The world is too big and filled with too many amazing people to just worry about one.

I’m not saying any of this will protect you from future ghost but it will help you to continue to be the most fabulous light that people will ever encounter. Just keep living and moving and I can guarantee you can make this the best life ever.

I didn’t want to be her again….

Hey guys….. I’ve been MIA and I apologize. I wanted to write something else but this wouldn’t leave me alone so……

I don’t want to be that girl anymore. Yeah she might be skinnier, a little more attractive, a little easier but nah I don’t want to be her. See back then she used to sweat the small stuff. She used to allow what others thought and said about her drive her crazy. So she tried to fit a mold. A mold that she wasn’t ever meant to fit. A mold that no one can ever fit.

That girl was full of anxiety and unsure about her future. She believed many lies that were told to her and that she told herself. She believed that she was unlovable. Something proven to her by people who she thought cared about her. They would provide lip service but could never back it up with action.

So instead of living she just existed. There was no drive, there was no purpose, she was just there. Until one day something inside of her screamed to be released. Someone who she had lost so long ago. She decided to let her free. Free to be whoever she wanted to be. That’s when I found me. I was finally comfortable in my own skin being who I was supposed to be. No more pretending, just living the life I really wanted to live.

Now I understand those experiences have shaped and molded me. I may not be perfect but I can tell you I’m definitely content and happy (and maybe just a little exhausted).

*I ain’t het no more!!!*

Fighting to be Happy

Hey Loves!!! Okay it’s the summer and I’m chilling. I swear I feel so lazy during the summer but when you’re an educator and you deal with other people’s kids during the year….. yeah it’s all the way deserved.

Dating Tip #34568: Never let your pettiness turn to the new person your old significant other is involved with (even if they were cheating…. I know just hear me out). Chances are most of the time the new person has no real clue about what happened in your relationship and if they are happy they really don’t want to know. You can not like your ex and that’s okay but trying to make someone else’s life miserable is honestly not worth the satisfaction you think you’re going to get out of it. And to the person who tried it with me….next time make sure your comment isn’t “anonymous”. I only approve comments on my blog from people with names attached so I can thank them 🤗.

Now let’s talk about choosing to be happy….. no let’s talk about the fight to be happy. Everyday I fight and no one else knows it. I make a conscious effort to put an authentic smile on my face and think positively about the world around me.

I think about all the positive things that are happening right now that I don’t talk about because I don’t want others to put their negative opinion on it. Words have power… death and life live in words. So for me I choose to only stay in conversations that don’t make me angry or anxious no matter who it is.

Look being an educator and a coach is not an easy task. Everyday I either have administration, other coaches, other teachers, or parents telling me how I should do my job, what the kids should be doing, or what they would do differently to get better results. I have to make sure that I get past all of this and be confident in who I am as a professional. I’m not just a coach and I’m not just a teacher. I sacrifice as much of myself as I can daily to make sure children can become the best they can be in a society that beats them down everyday.

Being a woman….. really!!! Don’t get me wrong I love being a woman. I love everything about myself especially being a Black woman. I wake up in the morning and thank God for who I am and how He has made me. But society is hard on us. We have recently seen a the big movement of #blackgirlmagic, but everyone isn’t on this bandwagon. There are still people who give you a hard time just because they can’t stand how wonderful you are. Society wants you to think that we are all like full of drama like the reality TV shows portray. That want us to feel ashamed of our skin being “too light or too dark” and the kink of our hair being unprofessional yet people pay to get bodies like ours. Honestly if you are a woman you are amazing, you are a miracle. Don’t hate on your fellow woman because she’s handling life, applaud her and do the same.

Here’s the biggest one for me…. my relationship. So I am in an actual adult relationship. Yes…me, the one who said she had a wall the size of the Great Wall of China around her heart…yep that would be me. I fight for happiness in this relationship. What I’m saying is this, I fight my demons from past relationships to stay happy in this one. This one is not the same as the last and if this one doesn’t work out it won’t be the same as the next  (although there won’t be a next because I’m becoming a nun). I fight daily to not group him in with men my friends have dealt with or men that I meet everyday. I fight daily to give him a chance and not just give up because I’m anxious about the relationship. This one has shown me something different and I appreciate him by being different. Don’t get me wrong it’s a struggle to not try to “help” him because he’s not doing something the way I would do it. It’s hard letting him help me because I’m used to doing things on my own. It’s hard to think that I can form a partnership with someone I can trust when I once had no trust for anyone.

I’m going to continue to fight because I like feeling happy. I like having joy. I used to read bible verses on joy daily because I had so much bitterness I was holding onto. I told myself and God if I let all that stuff go that I wouldn’t pick it back up and I would live life (I seriously don’t think that would involve a real life relationship). So here I am keeping good on my promise to God and myself. It’s a fight but it’s worth it.

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Pieces of my family… my heart…btw my bother is single!!! 25-30 is the age range ❤❤

 

 

Dreams…..

A 6 months ago I had a dream that literally was screaming for me to move forward. No matter how much I feel my old issues are resolved they sneak up subconsciously to torment me.
In this dream I am mourning the loss of a relationship and refusing the possibility of a new one. All my exes encircled me and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I was so confused considering I know most probably hate me, but then something caught my eye. Each ex wore a shirt that had a list as to why we could never be together. Insecurity, luster, greed, envy, shame, doubt, weak, angry….all were valid reasons….all reasons why we could never fit the puzzle pieces together. You can never force a round peg into a square hole (yeah I know I reversed it). I could never reduce myself enough to make them feel important enough to be with me.
So I woke up prayed, moved forward, and let go.

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Smiles are genuine

The Friend Zone….. Dun Dun Dunnnnn

Thank God this year is over. What the hell was 2016’s deal? Like seriously…..you couldn’t leave without taking someone close to me huh? You just had to touch everyone in the horrible way that you knew how…..bastard (I’m going to get in trouble when my mom reads this….)

Anyway okay so a lot of people are scared of it,  few embrace, me…..I love it. Yes I’m talking about the friend zone…..dun dun duuuunnnnn. I seriously enjoy being in the friend zone, why?  Because I actually get a chance to know someone. I can be myself without worrying about if I’m impressing that person or not. I don’t understand what the big deal is about the friend zone…(dun dun duuuunnnnn).

I’m lying, I do know why everyone else in the world hates the dreaded friend zone. We get so wrapped up in rushing things that we can’t take a freaking deep breath and smell the freaking roses. Do we not understand faster isn’t better? I know when I rush I tend to forget things. This year I left my whole coaching bag at the school while traveling to the district cross country meet. I was totally unprepared and had to wing it the whole meet.  Do you get what I’m trying to tell you? Stop rushing and be prepared.
I know we want to live life in the moment, I know we want things when we want them but look it’s not helping us at all.

When you bypass the getting to know you phase, when you push past because you want to see what that mouth do, you bypass all the important parts. What makes the other person happy, what is it that you can compromise because you know something is important to them? What is the person’s character like beyond what their “representative” shows? What is that person’s deal breakers? See all this is important before you try to “stick just the tip in”….(I’m really going to get in trouble for this lmbo). Quit being driven by sexual desire and the need to conquer and posses.

The friend zone should be utilized as a tool not a punishment. Here are some pointers:
– Do not bring up sex while in the friend zone
– Do get to know the person beyond a fat ahh, big boobs,a hard chiseled chest, broad shoulder, etc (God knows I love a good set of shoulders…..yum)
– Learn what makes that person tick
– Do find fun activities without the pressure of thinking it’s a real date or it being extremely expensive.
– DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH SOMEONE IN THE FRIEND ZONE!!!!

You can use the friend zone to your advantage. It can help establish a great friendship with someone even if you don’t end up in a relationship. I promise this will probably cut down on the amount of broken people walking around trying to find someone to make them whole. Man just embrace the friend zone……dun dun duuuunnnnn lol

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Honey I’ve always been fabulous lol

God Ain’t Through With Me Yet But…….

 

Hey Loves! It’s November and I have actively decided to sit this year’s cuffing season out. Just too much I need to accomplish by the end of next and truthfully I don’t want any distractions. As much as I miss a constant companion, snuggling when it gets cool at night, getting my booty rubbed until I fall asleep (yep I said it…..don’t judge me) and a whole slew of other things you do when your cuffed…. I just can’t at the moment. God ain’t through with me yet.

There’s still things that I need to get right before I can even enter into another relationship. And yeah people think I’m great and my character is amazing but there are great qualities of my character that I am just now mastering. I have a big heart….I give too much. I am learning to master that. I am very empathetic to others situations so much so that I will allow it to affect my mental being. I have to work on that. My love runs deep, so deep that at times it makes me uncomfortable. I have to work on that. Each of these qualities have been abused by myself or someone else. But as I said before God ain’t through with me, I’m working on it. I am learning how not to let people take advantage of me and in the process make sure that I don’t become hard-hearted and bitter.

Here’s an example…..
DISCLAIMER: Yes this actually happened to me and no I’m not throwing them under the bus. Just my experience…….

The other night I received a dm (I swear I’m unplugging from social media in January) from someone I blocked due to me allowing them to abuse my kind soft heart (notice I have taken full responsibility…..you see how I did that). Now my soft heart allowed me to call that person, while blocking my number (*67 still works), just because I was hoping they had changed for the better, but I got the exact opposite……it was a phone call of manipulation. Another phone call to talk sweet and work their way in, and my response……….nothing. I wasn’t moved. My emotions weren’t touched. I felt no resentment, no hate, no bitterness, no nothing. I responded to his situation without belittling him and hung the phone up. I received a nasty text message after the phone call and still I had no response. I once again hit the block button and decided to move forward with life.

All this to say I’m living and growing. I refuse to stumble into another relationship blindly just because I don’t want to be lonely. I have to make sure I change, grow and become secure in myself before I can join into a partnership. God ain’t through with me yet…..

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Yeah I can get spiffy when I want to……

What is your WHY……

Happy April! This morning as I was sitting through another meeting about building relationships and helping students develop into functioning adults (Lord knows we need more of those because somega people out there….). During the presentation they played a clip of Buster Douglas fighting Mike Tyson that talked about his WHY. His WHY for not giving up even though he was knocked down. His WHY for continuing to deliver hits even thigh he was the underdog.  His WHY for brevet giving up!!! (I’m not going to spoil it but watch the link below)

Now me being the extra sensitive 30 something year old that I am had to leave the room to shed a few tears because it was so touching. Truthfully I think I was crying because I think I’ve lost my WHY. Through the years it’s been family, my little sister, my students, my athletes,  young black women of the world…..etc. but now I don’t know.

Actually I think my WHY has shifted. Now it seems my focus and my actions are more so pleasing myself and God. I’ve been the “good little church girl” and the “responsible first born”. Those roles were fine and have helped push me into the woman I am today but now…..now what do I do?

Most women go through this transition in life. Our WHY motivation is so focused on taking care of others around us that we forget we are our biggest motivation. When it all comes down to the get down if it’s not for us, then who is it really for. Seeing others happy and taken care of others brings us joy, but what happens when the kids grow up, the students graduate, and people die? A shift has to be made,  you have to be your biggest WHY. You have to understand without you being that why nothing else really matters.

Today I vow to make myself my WHY. I plan to set goals that will please me and God only. I feel some good things are happening soon, but not to make anyone else proud. Just focusing on myself for now 🙂

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I think this dress is going to make me happy 😊

How are you taking care of YOU??

Before we get started let’s talk a little bit about dating….well not talk, I’m going to give dating tips based on my mistakes in the past. So here goes:

Dating Tip #1: Do not assume you are a couple without discussing with the other party. Make sure you talk about this with the person you are dating. A lot of times we start doing “couple things” when the other person is still on “single things”. Be a grown up and talk about your relationship goals in the beginning so both parties know what they are getting into and you won’t end up in a “situationship”.

Okay okay,with that being said can you believe we are already in the 3rd month of the year, 1/4th of the way through 2016? How has your year been? Me personally, I’ve laughed, I’ve cried, I’ve gotten angry and I released a lot. I think what I’m trying to tell you is I have been living life in 2016. Getting rid of old baggage (hopefully not replacing it with new), holding on to things that are dear, and experiencing new and old feelings. I am accepting the things that feel right to me and rejecting the things that I know are not good for me. I am totally embracing the thought of self-care.

Okay What is this self-care?

I am making sure that I take care of myself mind, body and soul. Self care for me is taking myself into consideration before I make any decisions. It means being what’s called “selfish” and thinking about how an outcome will affect me as well as all parties involved. It has helped me say “no” more than I say yes. Self-care is me taking into consideration Janae.

How did this come about?

Well I guess we can say it started after my blood clot (yea I know old story….scary but old). It made me realize that the only person that is responsible for looking out for my health and well-being is myself….NO ONE ELSE. No one owes me anything in this world not even my family (even though I swear they love me more than I love myself some time lol). I have to make sure that Janae is stable every day, hour, minute, and second of my life. To ask someone to take responsibility for this is placing your life and future in someone else’s hands, even though you have no clue of their true intentions for your life (doesn’t sound all that appealing to an ex-control freak).

What are my ways to achieve self-care?

  1. I take time to clear my mind and focus. I know the new term is “being mindful” (yep my therapist taught me this…..say what you want but don’t judge) but I call it being true to my moment. I take time to sit and reflect. I may reflect on the day, a particular moment of the day, or just what is happening at that exact moment. This helps me to figure out what’s happening in my life and what I can control and what I can not. It helps me put all things into perspective. It helps me to calm my mind and get to a state of calmness. Like I said I’m an ex-control freak, so everything in life seemed as though it was urgent….but most of these things I had not control over. Do you know how crazy it is to try to control person (parents I know how you feel lol)?
  2. I totally watch what I put into and what I do to my body. Oh goodness before June 2015 I did not care what I did to my body as long as it made me feel good (no not drugs come on now man….). Alcohol (oh I still partake within reason), cigars (yes I used to partake), nasty greasy processed foods, omg and anything that was sweet and chocolate covered (Lil Debbie don’t owe me nothing) I was getting it in. Then I had looked in the mirror and didn’t recognize the women I knew 2 years before that. Sure I maintained a look of beauty (Lots of make up and eyeliner) but inside I was not okay. My blood pressure was high, stress levels were off the chart and I could not sleep worth a damn. I was poisoning myself slowly in the name of self care….I mean self pleasure…..or maybe just a way to numb the feeling of being totally out of control. So I bought a fit bit, I get my rest and I make sure I eat great natural unprocessed food. Sounds simple and guess what….it is!! I just committed to a different life style and surrounded myself with people who want the same. So now when I get the urge to indulge I think about the way it will make me feel past the moment it has touched my tongue.
  3. I was able to rid myself of toxic relationships (whether they left me or I left them). I never like ending relationships until I feel like they are detrimental to my health and even then I will hold on as long as I can. I lost two relationships last year and didn’t realize how good I was without them. Lol my blood pressure is down, stress level is normal, and I don’t have to worry about deciphering lies and half-truths anymore or playing detective to find out the real truth.

So ladies and gentlemen to sum this up I am taking care of myself. I’m listening to my body and making sure Janae is okay. Remember there is only one you in this world and its your job to make sure all of your needs are being met no one else’s. Nobody owes you anything in this world and they dang sure don’t have the responsibility of taking care of you. Have a beautiful March and we shall talk again soon!! Love yourself 🙂

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March has been no make up month…..just another way to love the natural me 🙂

More Than Wife Material…….

Hey Loves!! Well this is the month of love or lust or maybe just needing to be with someone. I get it, I get it,but just remember this is not a real holiday and you can make any month your month of love ( August for me :)). Don’t make yourself feel bad because you are single on Valentine’s day. Go out buy yourself some flowers and whatever else you want. Treat yourself to a nice dinner and love on yourself. Self love and acceptance is so much better than hoping someone accepts the wonderful person that you are. Oh yeah and Beyonce=total slayage….let’s get in formation ladies (yassssss)

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Okay okay enough of that, let’s talk about this whole thing about being “wife material”. Now listen I’m not saying there is anything wrong with being married or aspiring to be married. I applaud you ladies, you have made a wonderful commitment to be someone’s partner to build and work together to do amazing things for the for the rest of your lives. But can I ask this, was being wife material your only aspiration? I seriously doubt it. Most of my married friends are movers and shakers in the world. They are getting things done along with holding down a household. I guess my issue is should we really only strive to be “wife material”, shouldn’t it be to strive to be the best “YOU” you can be?

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I have been called wife material many times in my adult life but I’m not married. So should I be disappointed? See I refuse to wrestle with this idea. I have come to a place in life where if I get married great and if I don’t….great. Truthfully I want to be known as a great person. I want to make an impact on people that eclipses my marital status, financial status, religion or race. I want to be the type of person that when people talk about me there’s nothing really negative you can say and the ones that do say negative things know deep down that its a lie. I want to live a life that is so great that when I die people will know that I lived a truthful, fruitful, prosperous, eventful, never a dull moment life.

So excuse me if I don’t thank you for calling me wife material. Thank you for thinking that I will be a great companion and spouse, but I know that I am so much more. The same goes for the ladies that are married. They had identities before they said I do and that’s what their husbands fell in love with. Not their cooking and cleaning or their ability to be submissive. No they fell in love with their personality, their drive, their ability to do extraordinary things. So instead of saying that someone is wifey (or husband) material how about we just tell them they are a great person and have the ability to make great partnerships.

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Oh please believe and understand this is not me being anti-marriage. I love marriage!!! It is ordained by God so everything about being married is pleasing to the Lord. I can’t hate what is ordained. But as for me to only want that in life….oh no no no. God said the Earth and all of its fullness is mine to experience. So if that one aspect in my life isn’t fulfilled at this moment, I’m not going to miss out on the rest of what life has to offer.

Until next time Loves, have a beautiful time in life, learn to appreciate the little things and do something great :)!!!!