Ladies and Gentleman…..Nikki Giovanni

So why didn’t I know about this fabulous poet until recent? Omg!!! Fell in love after reading one poem. I have life lol

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Afreakingmazing!! This one poem spoke more to my soul than any”selfhelpgetoverdramatolivearegularlife” book could ever give me. So i bought her book of love poems and I’ll read a poem a night to keep the idea of love in a positive light and chase away the doubt.

Good night loves 🙂

Endless Possibilities…….

As I sit in the deck, relaxing, drinking a fun ship special, watching the waves slowly move past the boat (jealous yet lmbo) I realized that in the past 3 years I limited my endless possibilities. You know those things that you tell yourself you can do because you are Superwoman (or She Hulk in my case)? Those goals and challenges that you were so sure you could take on no matter who’s with you. Well I limited myself…. why? Just life: deaths, life, sickness, relationships, friendships, you name it, it has happened to me. Life for the past 3 years has tried to kick my perfectly round and high behind (calling things into existence…. He knows my heart lol), and this year was almost the straw that broke this camel’s back. But I know what I’m shooting for with the rest of this life that I have. I’m going to live by my endless possibilities.

1. I realize I want to be married.  Even though I’m comfortable in my singleness, and I love myself, it would be nice to get married. It took a break up to help me see what I really want. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to get married for the sake of getting married (baby please believe this one is too fine to be desperate), I truly want someone who is as supportive to me as I am to them. I want someone who can make decisions by looking at the bigger picture and not just the uncomfortable situation that’s being faced at that moment. I don’t need need protection (She Hulk status)but it would be nice to be protected. I want stability, hell I can make enough compulsive decisions for the both of us, but I crave some thing that is always sure.

2. I want to make a difference in my community. The great thing about this is my best friend’s and my circle of influence won’t let me ever get distracted from this (thanks Quin!!). With so much going on in the world our kids are getting distracted. Can you blame them? There is no direction, no guidance, no one to point them in the right direction. Never knocking the awesome parents of the world,  but I do believe it takes a village. I love my community, I love how creative we are, how by adding just a tad of our ability can make something a that much better. We have to come together not just when there is injustice but also when things seem like they are status quo. That’s when it’s really needed.

3. Lord….I may kick myself after I write this but…..I WANT KIDS (ughhhhhhhh!!!!) Okay yes I want a mini me or him lol. Not going to go any further with this one (yes I am and I want to be married when it happens).

4. Last but not least,  I am not limited to my thoughts. It happens to everyone we have a shift in life and our thought process shifts to adapt to the new situation. Well I guess 10 days in the hospital and 15 days off work can shift anyone’s thought process. Mine went from reckless abandonment to little Miss Careful Susie. I’ve always had the faith to love life to the fullest, but a blood clot will have you rethink life. Will I die in my sleep? What if they can’t find the cause? How long could I survive if I couldn’t teach or be an educator (it’s my passion)? What if he doesn’t want me anymore? All these what ifs and only about 2 actually happened, and guess what….I survived them! Being careful didn’t change a thing. Being Miss Careful Susie only made my life boring and gray for the past 6 months. That one life changing situation made me understand that I can’t control a thing that happens in life so why not live with limitless, endless possibilities? 20150727_135328 20150727_124826

If I’m such a good woman then…..

I’m tired of hearing this statement which is always followed by some type of bad news “You’re such a good woman”…..like the first part of that statement is going to make me feel great about what follows.

“…. Why are you single?” Really….. you really want me to answer that okay……I have three legs…..no, no that’s not it maybe it’s because I snore…..no, no wait maybe it’s my three degrees, a career, house, and no kids (not putting down my single mothers….. yall rock for real). Don’t you think if I knew I wouldn’t be single? How about you ask God and see what He says….. right. No don’t walk away offended, it’s a stupid way to ask someone why they are single. Feelings hurt? Oh well mine were too by that question.

“…..I don’t deserve you”….. well now who does? Oh I get it’s the good old “build up to let down”. Make someone feel good about themselves when you have to deliver bad news. That’s funny but realize it makes no sense. If I were so good then I could help bring you to the level you want to reach, but the reality is you don’t want to achieve that level of excellence.  You do realize that now you have set a standard for yourself to fall below the level you think you’re good enough for. Smh foolishness…..it’s the equivalent of saying “it’s not you it’s me”! Boy if you don’t get that crap outta here.

And last but not least my favorite……”I don’t know why I didn’t stay”. Really….. really!?!? Oh so you figured this out after you married or had a baby with the one you knew was below your level. Now you’re having regrets…. sir I laugh at your foolishness. You sneak and go through all your old phone records, fb meessages, twitter, whatever to look up my phone number to bother me with your regrets. Really? That’s all I can think to say. But being the person I am, I listen and give you advice to help your relationship out, why? Because I would want someone to do the same for me. Because I have faith that everyone still has some type of good in them to help others workout their situations.

Maybe that’s what makes me such a “good woman” my faith. My faith in God that He knows exactly what I need in my life. Every experience, every relationship, every trial and tribulation. I know that God has a plan for our lives and everything we go through will workout for our good in the end. And since it’s not the end I know my good is coming. 20150717_082616-1-1

*I love this shirt :)*

I Want a Forever Kind of Love…..

So i am now the single girl that’s not in a relationship. I’m in the process of moving forward with the rest of my life, because that’s what you do move forward. But I’m still baffled by the whole thing. How can someone say they have your back one moment turn around and place your whole life in danger and make you feel like the situation was your fault? How does someone reject encouragement and faithfulness? Okay….I need to bring it back because this is not what I want to talk about (woosahing…. breathing…. living)

Back to the nature at hand (shout out Dr.Dre)…I really do want a forever kind of love. Not that googly eye, heart flutter, leg melting thing. That’s all based on emotions, things that wear off. That’s all temporary the excitement of something new. Some people thrive off this and end up jumping from relationship to relationship. They don’t have the maturity,  emotional or spiritual deepness to get past this point. Think about your Middle school/high school crush…… (oh Lord I remember mine)…. think about the feeling you had as he walked down the hallway. He probably gave you a quick greeting that made you feel like you were going to absolutely melt that moment. Now fast forward to your 10 year reunion….. did you feel the same way? Hell I didn’t….. zero emotion whatsoever, it wasn’t ever deep. Just so superficial (and I’m pretty sure he didn’t look the same).

I want that married for 65 years type of love. That love that lasts through infinity and time. That love that you don’t ever have to question no matter what you’ve been through. Im over the emotions and games people play. Anybody can love when things are new and fresh, but can you do it when I don’t understand you? Can you do it when I know you have to make a hard decision that’s doesn’t bring comfort to either one of us? Can you do it when your back is against the wall? That’s the forever type of love I’m looking for. Yes I’m putting pressure on the next one. I don’t want my heart to be played with. So if you don’t want what I want please don’t play games or be a pretender….. life is too short to not live it the way you want.

Love you guys 🙂

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The Law of Reciprocation…..Karma!

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So I may get some flack for this but it’s the truth and hopefully the truth will set yall free because I know I am.

This is not for ALL married men, nor am I bashing any that are my real friends because you guys are great examples of how married men operate. No, this is for that select few that have their cake and want to eat it too (I didn’t understand this until I was in college lol). You greedy little boys who can’t be happy with the choices you’ve made in life. The ones who said “MINE” a lot as kids because you didn’t want to share. These are the men I’m writing about today.

What would your wife think if she saw you in my inbox? Do you think she would approve? What gives you the audacity to think I would find interest in you knowing that your martial status? I don’t want to be the person you talk to when you have issues (I can’t help you because I’m not married). I don’t want to be your so called “ESCAPE” from reality because I have a reality of my own (And ititit’s freaking awesome sauce!!)

You selfish, stingy little boy who needs a confidence boost because things are tough, of course it’s tough you aren’t communicating with the person you vowed to share the rest of your life with. What would your wife think if she found out you were on my blocked list because you don’t understand no means no?

I refuse to accept your advances or even engage in chit chat because I put myself in your wife’s shoes. If I were your wife what would I think……ha you really don’t want to know (currently thinking of a certain scene in Waiting to Exhale….. don’t judge me I’m not there yet lol)

So please if you are this type of man, please cease and desist. I’m not a home wrecker nor do I have aspirations to be a side chick. I am comfortable with my non-married status. I don’t need your attention. I know I’m beautiful and intelligent. I’m not thirsty and even if I were, it wouldn’t be for anyone who’s taken.

I remember a long time ago someone said it was my fault that this happens. To that I say hogwash and balderdash (I’ve always wanted to use that word lol). I don’t make myself available nor do I feel I need to walk around with a scowl on my face (that’s how society sees black women all the time). I can’t help that I have a magnetic personality but I do know who and where to use it. I refuse to accept responsibility for wandering eyes and a loose sense of devotion. But I will try my best to encourage and remind those who need it of the vow they took before God and their families. I will make sure to uphold my own morality at all costs because I don’t want to be in a situation where I’m the wife wondering and thinking.

Remember what ever you put out is what you receive……but until then I’m going to be freaking awesome 🙂

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Ramblings of a Control Freak………

Hmm…..where to begin with this post. My name is Janae and I am a huge control freak. No like seriously…..it’s scary. But this year (January to be exact) I had to learn to let go of the control. It has been a roller coaster ride between my faith in God and trying to overcome my need to hold everything together in my own strength. This has caused me to lead the most craziest, anxiety filled, stress ridden, and insanity filled life.

Truthfully I can’t pinpoint a time when all this began (well to the degree it is at the present moment). If you ask my mother I have always been a bit strong willed, forcing my will upon others and wreaking havoc on those who would not obey my will (yes 3-5 year old me was a little shhh…..). I was that child that you told “We can’t buy candy because we don’t have the money for it” and when you reached the counter she still asked for it and threw a huge fit when she knew you would say no (yes every week, Mama, Nana, Thea I am truly sorry….). Yes that was me high understanding no slack in getting my way. I would fight tooth and nail and didn’t care if I got my butt whooped or not (yep, I said it and I thank my parents for doing it). Now in my adult life this has helped to an extent but the fact of the matter: I’m freaking crazy!! (well not hospital crazy, more like functioning psychopath).

There are certain things I just won’t do because I can not control the outcome. For instance I hate casinos and gambling. Absolutely abhor it if I’m spending my own money. I can’t see losing money that I could spend on a great pair of shoes on a game of chance (that I truthfully feel is rigged anyway). This is where me and my dad bump heads (lol I love that man), he always tells me I’m scary (which he knows is the best way to get me to do something….I ain’t never scared). But I just don’t get how people get enjoyment out of it. I’d rather spend my time looking for that perfect pair of shoes that when I wear them my heart skips a beat (yep my money, my fetish).

I keep a small group of friends for a reason and if I let you in that’s big. Hey don’t judge me it’s how I control who affects my emotions (yes….I know but look at the title). I am a seriously friendly person but those who are close to me know I have my times when I just don’t want to be bothered. Yes it seems petty and most people try to figure out how I will ever get married and blah blah blah and here’s my response……..THIS ISN’T YOUR LIFE. I’ve learned from past experiences that letting people in before God tells you to can cause a lot of problems. My favorite example Eve and the serpent……think about it if she wasn’t so quick to listen to somebody other than Adam and God the whole fall of Man thing could have been avoided (my opinion, my blog, hush, keep reading and comment at the end). When “new people” all the sudden pop up I need to find out their intentions before I can let them in. I’m not that desperate for attention that I can’t be by myself (hell I don’t think any human can love me more than I love me).

Now this next one has been the hardest for me but considering it’s part of my faith here goes………at times I have to stop myself from telling God my plans for my life (yes….laugh because I am laughing uncontrollably at the moment). Do you know how crazy I know I look trying to tell God (all powerful, all knowing, ever present, all loving….if you need more characteristics just email I’ll help you) how I want Him to run my life? I can just see Him now shaking His head and chuckling. Doesn’t that sound crazy and deranged? Sometimes after I run off my list to God about how I want my day to go I can honestly hear that still voice saying “Are you done silly girl?”

As of recent in my life it was pretty bad because I have been trying to stay in my comfort zone not realizing it’s time for me to get uncomfortable. See that’s the problem I became a control freak to stay comfortable and content with my life, not understanding that this is how you become stagnant and dead. I’ve been stuck for a while and not registering that I’m dying, emotionally and spiritually. Not loving, not living,just existing for the sake of existing. So as I type this I realize that the adventure I have been on was one of death and if I continue on this road of control nothing will come about but stagnation and extinction. That’s what happened to the dodo bird, couldn’t adapt to its surroundings, was too stubborn to change, so the whole species was wiped away. Will I let that be my fate? Do I really want to be the Dodo bird? (if you know me you know what the answers going to be……survival of the fittest and I am one of the fittest!!!!)

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Baby Fever……..give me the cure (Oh and Shouts out to my SIngle Moms)

After seeing all these cute little kids and babies on my timeline and pictures on instagram, I can officially say I have caught baby fever. I want a cute, chubby faced version of me and someone else that I can love and nurture and spoil until they become too independent and break my heart lol….but seriously my biological clock is ticking so loud I get distracted from everyday tasks thinking about what it would be like to have a child. It has caused me to reevaluate some of my life choices and reasons I have for not having any at this moment……

The first and obvious issue……..I’m not married.  My number one issue, I truly believe in first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in the baby carriage. No jabs at the women who are holding it down being a single mother. I understand that life, my mother was actually a single teenaged parent. I just don’t think I’m about that life, I need partnership if I’m going to have a baby, and I’m not talking about co-parenting or any of that new stuff. I need commitment!! Having a child is a huge responsibility, one that should be shared. Plus I really need someone to balance out my weirdness, because I can get a little strange if left to my own vices. I really have to make sure that I have somebody around 24/7 as a good sounding board.

My lifestyle is not conducive to having kids. Once again hats off to the single working moms. I have no idea how you guys do it, seriously (ginseng, ginkgo biloba, an IV of caffeine????) I am an educator and a head coach, half the time I have to set my alarm on my cell phone to make sure I eat, does that really sound healthy for a child. I’m serious, I forget things even when they are written down, put in my cell phone as a reminder, tattooed on my wrist (just joking no wrist tattoos lol) . I couldn’t imagine having to take care of another human being (the thought of the extra laundry alone is making me cringe…..actually the thought of my mountain of laundry….I digress). I truthfully can’t do it on my own, to manage my schedule, sometimes I’m gone for days…..let me put it this way I’m surprised my two plants are still alive.

I’m not quite ready for my body to change. I just don’t know if I can go through with it. I’m already top heavy…..and they grow through pregnancy….. OMG!!!! That will be ri-dunk-ulous!!! I would seriously have to be married so I could get back rubs every night and someone to hold them up when the bra cubes out… (I’m dead serious)

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