#lessonslearned Planning a Wedding Is Not My Jam

Here we are on the cusp of October and I’m tired of trying to plan a wedding. I’m not this girl. I’m not even mentally prepared for this whole ordeal. There’s so many other things I can think of to do with this wedding budget. There are other things I can do with this time!! There are other things I can do besides figure out which flowers I’m going to carry down the aisle(which I’m not carrying btw brooch bouquet). I really don’t care honestly. All of this stress for 30 min….I’d rather plan for the rest of eternity that we are going to spend together. So this post is just a rant about the things I’d rather do besides this….

1. I’d rather elope!! Yep I said it. I rather throw on a dope dress and him look dapper in a suit and it’s just us and a few family members who will stand with us.

2. I don’t have anyone who REALLY knows me to bounce ideas around with. I’m busy, their busy, life is busy. I feel like I’m alone in a sea of tasks and I can’t communicate what I want or how I feel. People forget that I haven’t dreamed about this stuff. None of my vision boards, vision statements or anything ever had wedding plans on it. I just never thought this would happen.

3. Why all the hooplah for 30 min? Like for what, I don’t get it.

4. I see why people go to the courthouse and get it out the way.

5. I want to put the money we are saving for this small wedding

into something else; eliminating debt, down payment on a bigger house, a dream trip. You know something for us.

6. I’m tired of trying to drop weight for this day. I just want to be fluffy and fabulous. I’m 36 and this weight seems to want to stay with me so I think I’m just going to let it stay.

7. I’m tired of thinking about tshirts, charms, matching outfits etc for my nonbridesmaids and non participants of the wedding. Like I already didn’t want a wedding party but I feel bad about not getting things for my nonbridesmaids.

8. I honestly don’t want to try on another wedding dress. I hate them!

9. I should be enjoying this process with the women of my family but they have other things to do and I guess since I’m not making it important they aren’t either. Energy matches energy.

10. I honestly just want to lay in my bed huddled under the covers. My anxiety is at an all time high about this whole thing. I thought I was supposed to be happy doing all this right? But I feel like now I’m doing it more to impress other people who aren’t contributing financially to this whole stupid endeavor.

11. Okay last one….I really can’t involve everyone because everybody likes to interject their vision of their wedding into your’s and I don’t want it.

Maybe I’m just emotional because my uterus is trying to escape my body as I type. Or maybe I’m just done. And even with writing this I still think we should elope. I’m over this process. But whatever I guess whatever will happen is going to happen 🤷🏾‍♀️

Here are some pictures from my horrible experience at a chain bridal store. I hated every minute of it. The dresses I liked didn’t come in my size and the dresses in my size aged me almost 10 years. I go to a smaller bridal boutique next weekend that caters to curvy girls. I’m hoping the experience is better.

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#lessonslearned You Won’t Be Everybody’s Cup of Tea….

Hey Kids!!! Welcome back to the misadventures and fooleries of Confessions From a Red Couch. I am pleased that you have came back for more tales of life, romance, and the in between. Like I’ve said I plan to share my lessons I have learned throughout life. This post is no different. So well let’s begin shall we…..

#lessonslearned: You will never be everybody’s cup of tea!

Now look…I know myself and my personality and I can tell you this, I am not everyone’s cup of tea. I have been talked about, passed over, thrown away, and looked down upon my whole entire life. I’ve been promoted, demoted, and everything in between but I’m still living and loving. Why do I keep progressing? Honey I learned I’m not for everybody and neither are you.

Now I’m not saying that it’s okay to be a butthole (please don’t), it’s not your job to rub people the wrong way on purpose. It’s not okay to treat people with a nasty attitude. It’s not okay to be the negative Nancy or a sobby Susan (sorry if your name is Nancy or Susan, just well alliteration 🤷🏾‍♀️), your job in life is to be the best you you can be inspite of people’s attitudes toward you. This is what I have learned:

Other people’s perception of you are not who you are in total. Everyone we encounter gets a glimpse of who you are and build upon that. If someone sees you always happy that’s the perception they have of you. If someone always sees you losing it and cussing others out, that’s their perception of you. The small windows of prescription that we allow people to see are how people then perceive us. People who saw me as JUST a track coach have a different perception of me as a Science teacher. Do I try to correct their perceptions… nope. Why? It’s what they believe and until they see me in any other capacity then what’s the point. Their perceptions don’t change who I am or who you are.

People have a right to not accept you for who you are, but as long as you’re not being oppressed you keep moving foward. Look I know we as a society are trying to push that we are all special, but if we are all special… then who is truly special? Yes we all have purpose, we all have things that only we can accomplish but are we God’s only gift to the world? Nope. Do people HAVE to treat you like your ish has never stank? Absolute not. The only thing people honestly have to do is treat you with respect….DAS IT!!!

I say all this to say….you ain’t for everybody and it’s okay. Keep living, loving and being yourself. You will find your tribe and be their cup of tea while being able to spill all the juicy tea honey ❤

Just trying to be freshed faced and not looking 36 😘

Everyone doesn’t love like you….#lessonslearned

Sooooo….. hey kids. I’ve been laboring with writing this past month because I’m trying to be more consistent and make sure I’m offering content that is engaging. In truth, I’m tired lol. Teaching at a new school, starting a really big project at my church, planning a wedding (please tell my girls to stop trying to form a nonexistent wedding party lol) and everything else life has to offer has been exhausting. Adulting is fun and sucks all at the same time lol But anyway…. I digress.

This lesson was extremely hard for me to learn through life, and I’m still learning it. I could never understand the concept of mutual love because I’ve always felt that if I show you how I love you should be able to mirror it. But how many of us have felt this way? I mean it’s really not that hard right….. WRONG. Everyone is different, everyone comes from different backgrounds, and EVERYONE has learned how to love differently.

When I was younger I ALWAYS had issue with relationships with other people: family, loved ones, friends, significant others, because I couldn’t understand why they couldn’t love just like me. I mean by gift and profession I am a teacher, I make it simple: I do, we do, you do. I’ll even draw a diagram, sing a song, build a model, whatever they needed to learn how I love. But this NEVER worked, not even with my family. Why, because while I was trying to teach them how to love me I wasn’t paying attention to how THEY wanted to be loved. So busy screaming and throwing tantrums while yelling “LOVE ME LOVE ME”, that I wasn’t listening to their silent pleas of “but this is how I want you to love me”.

It wasn’t until I was about 29-30 (goodness that seems so long ago….I feel decrepit) when I discovered that everyone had a different way of loving or even showing love. How? Because I hurt some people who really loved me but I was too selfish to accept the way they loved. Like I’ve always said, I AM NOT PERFECT! Nor do I ever pretend to be, but I caused some really bad blood because I was too immature to see that they were doing the absolute best that they could. So after apologizing and accepting myself for the jerk that I could be I started a journey of loving, listening, and observing. Yep…. you have to actually be active in this thing called love.

I needed a change and so I went on a lovely journey. I learned to listen and pay attention to others. I read books on types and ways to love. I stopped forcing people to love me in a way I saw fit and started understanding how and why people loved they way that they loved. It was a hard journey. I had to develope boundaries but it’s been great. My advice to you is to listen and observe. Don’t be selfish and self centered. The world does not revolve around you and neither does the sun rise and set on your behind. Love is a give and take. Just make sure you’re giving and taking is equal. Don’t get out of balance and end up empty. Keep loving, living and listening ❤

Hey 36 ❤

Hello failure, my old friend……

I see you summer….but why are you so hot so early? Anyway, summer is here and my summer body is NOT ready. At this point it doesn’t even matter. When I step out on the beach, the pool, the splash pad at the park you are going to get whatever is under these clothes. Why? It’s ALREADY too hot to wear clothes in Houston. I’m not about to be extra modest and uncomfortable because you don’t like my pudginess. Get over it….I already have.

Okay enough about the heat let’s, talk about something familiar and uncomfortable. We all make mistakes. We make decisions in life that are based on emotion, fear, our own idea of success, others failures, and our experiences. These decisions don’t always lead to great outcomes and that’s okay.

Failure helps us learn and move forward. I feel like I’ve had more failures in life than successes but others who look into my life see totally different. For instance after my first year of successful teaching and coaching I lost my job and it was my fault. I was scheduled to take the Texas Certification exams in August of 2008 but I was injured during a volleyball camp and had to have emergency surgery on the day of the exams. I spent half of that semester in physical therapy and depressed. I had no one to blame but myself and it was heart wrenching.

Now I got my job back with help, influence, and encouragement from a lot of people on team Janae, but I knew deep in my heart of hearts that I should have scheduled those exams earlier than August. It was a learning experience and from that I learned I had to trust myself again. We all make mistakes, in love, in career, in living, in life but you have to remember that you aren’t perfect and you have to trust your own judgement in life. Here’s some ways that can help:

1. Pray!!! God will never steer you wrong. Usually when we make mistakes we want to blame God for the bad stuff and take credit for the good stuff. Honestly God directs your path but it’s up to you to follow the path He sets. I didn’t pray about scheduling those exams nor did I take having them done seriously. I ignored the sense of urgency that I had each month to get the job done and in the end I reaped the benefits of that big old L (it actually turned out to be a good thing… I’ll talk about that later).

2. Learn from your mistakes. Take this as time to reflect on how you can improve yourself and the choices you have made. Did you listen to yourself as you made the decision? Did you go around red flags because you wanted to try it anyway? Trust your inner judgement. You know what’s right for you and believe in yourself. Most of the time when you reflect back on a decision you realize you ignored your first thought. You went against what you knew for yourself as truth. It’s okay we all do it.

3. Always remember you can move forward. Not matter how bad you have messed up you can start over again. That’s the beautiful thing about life. You can start over again without really having to explain things to anyone (even if you have kids…. they adapt). Moving forward is based off you trusting that you learned from your mistake and you can go forward in life. You can’t give up because you messed up! You know how many things we wouldn’t have in life if everyone stopped after they made one mistake?
That’s the process of life: you live, you make choices, you learn from the good and bad and you keep it moving. If I would have stopped after I lost my job I would be stuck in” what if” land. No one wants to be in that space!We all know people in that place: what if I would have went to school? What if I didn’t have these kids? What if…. blah, blah, blah! You’re stuck in a reality that hasn’t happened, just move forward make something happen (I know, I’ve been in what if land with my book….). Just trust yourself and do it. What’s the worst that could have? You write the book, you get the job, you cure cancer? Possibilities can be endless but you have to move forward!

Still saying yes…. but I still have boundaries

*In my Marvin Sapp voice* Never would have made it…..

Never could have made it to the end of the school year

Lord knows I’m excited to be done honey. I’m over your kids, it’s your turn. Tag you’re it!! Now look I can help you figure out what to do with them during the summer. There are TONS of STEM and coding camps that will help your babies get into the tech field. If your kids are athlete there are plenty of schools that are having summer conditioning/boot camps with morning and afternoon sessions. But as for this teacher…. I’m going to be enjoying my summer doing all the things I want to do and planning a wedding (still in disbelief lol).

So the year of saying yes does not mean I have forgotten my boundaries. I’m saying yes to opportunities that will open up new doors but I’m still saying no to things that will cause my anxiety to go out of control. Simply put I’m saying yes to my boundaries.

“But I thought you said you didn’t have a wall around you’re heart anymore”…. ain’t nobody asked you to ask me that. But let me reply to you’re little funky statement. See the boundaries are not to keep too keep people out of my life, it’s more to protect myself from my own actions. The characteristics that make me great can also be abused.

My heart is big, I will give you what you need, even if it means me going without. See that can be abused, so my boundary is to make sure I have what I need and IF I can afford it then I can give it.

I have a bad habit of being very straight foward, sometimes a little too blunt. Even when I say something in love to others it comes out harsh. So now my boundary is to make sure I think before I speak (and check my facial expressions because Lord knows my face hides nothing).

Oooo here’s another important one: I don’t let people guilt me into saying yes. I have a boundary that protects my time and my mental well being. If I feel like I’m over extending myself, you will definitely get a no from me. Dealing with anxiety and unnecessary stress is not what I do anymore. I will protect my mental well being at all costs.

There are others but I don’t want to bore you with my ramblings. Just know I’m still saying yes but my boundaries are helping me to maintain a good balance.

Saying YES…..(not what you’re thinking)

Happy April!!! So after my last blog I have decided to get my life. 35 will not defeat me. So I am going to start taking care of me. Per my last post (yes…please say it like you’re typing someone in an email “per my last email 😑😑”) I am going to be a little more selfish and start focusing on Me and saying yes to Me. I have a plan…. guess I can share it because maybe one of y’all will keep me accountable.

I had to go into my war room (aka my car….. hush your face I pray where I want) this morning and ask God for some help (Nothing will move you more than a dream of you dying…*shutters*). So in my dream last night I died. I literally felt the life leave my body and woke up coughing. It wasn’t the death that scared me more than feeling like I was going to leave this world and no one would notice or care (sorry if this is morbi but…..).Nothing scares me more than dying and not having anything accomplished and no these 3 degrees are not accomplishments to me (and I don’t care what you and ya mama think about it). I felt that in my dream last night. That my hopes and dreams had ended before I could ever get them started….but let me NOT digress. This plan, let’s talk about it.

1. I’m going to read more. My passion for reading has been killed by the distraction of everything. I love reading but as of lately I haven’t been able to read anything except lesson plans and dumb quizzes on facebook. I’m going to start by actually reading Shonda Rhimes Year of Yes. Why this book…. because I forgot how yo say Yes to myself.

2. In May I’m attending a conference called Women Winning at Work, and yes I bought a VIP ticket because I am saying Yes to myself. I really want to be more productive in my career, not only that, I want to be more productive in my endeavers outside my career. I feel this conference will not only push me to achieve better but will light a fire under my feet to get on the good foot (let’s go sugar foot!!!)

3. I am listening to more podcasts and doing my homework. Living in fear of backlash is keeping me from moving forward with something that could be amazing for me. It’s time for me to start pushing myself out in the public eye a little more. I mean yes I’ve done this as an athlete and a coach but I feel that at some point I need to known as this person I am at this minute. I’m not going to be ashamed of mistakes in the past or mistakes in the future, because someone may actually need to hear my story.

4. The book WILL BE DONE BY JUNE. No further explanation needed for that.

Hopefully my few and faithful will continue to push me. HOPEFULLY they haven’t lost faith in me like I have for myself, but if they did I am going to give them something to believe in one more time.

Little razzle dazzel for the one time ❤

What if I could just….

Hey kids… look at me!! I’m trying to be consistent with my writing again, so post 2 for the month of March deserves a big Taaadaaaa!!! Okay I’m pretty sure at this moment I’m forgetting to do something important but I’m writing and so this take precedent at the moment.

I’m stuck on this being 35 thing. I swear most days I feel like everything is on fire and I’m trying to figure out what’s the most important thing to put out first (because it’s honestly too much thought to focus on putting the whole fire out). I am exhausted trying to find the most important things to focus on and with each day I feel as though I’m running out of time.

So what’s most important? What or who do I focus on the most? I don’t know…. so any suggestions would be helpful. Because right now I’m overweight, over stressed, over anxious and over worked. I want to focus on creating this brand but I always feel I’m talking to no one. Like my ideas for Confessions from a Red Couch are so great but life just keeps happening. If I could just focus maybe life would be different but for now I’m going to keep driving myself crazy while everything feels like it’s burning down around me.

That blue though 💋

Braiding chair confessions

This has been the first time I’ve had time to sit and type since the beginning of the year. I had a whole plan to do a re-launch of my blog and book this year and then guess what happened…..LIFE! Life hit me like a ton of bricks at the beginning of this year and I’m so glad that today is a new day. Thank goodness I can start over and return to the plan at hand but until then let’s talk about some things.

Okay in this season I’m learning how to forgive and be forgiven. I’m too old to hold grudges or even think about holding one. I’m at a point where instead cutting everyone off, I need to understand everyone’s actions aren’t done to spite me. I’m realizing that everyone makes mistakes and the mistakes that aren’t detrimental to my health or well being can be forgiven and moved past. I don’t want to be that woman that can’t have healthy relationships with people. I don’t want to be that mean spiteful lady that no one wants to get close to. I just want to love and be loved, without judgement or alterior motives.

I will never be perfect. I’ve tried it and it gets me in more trouble than just being myself. I’m learning how to be more truthful about my faults. I procrastinate, I hate it when things aren’t done my way, I know I’m supposed to see things as black and white but I can’t. Because of all these things I do things that everyone can’t understand. But I do know I’m loyal and I will put everyone else’s needs above mine. It’s who I am. I choose to accept my faults and others. If I know I’m not perfect I can’t expect anyone else to meet some ridiculous standard I have set.

I’m learning to listen to people to hear them and not just to give a response. I want to hear what people are saying now instead of just defending my point. We are so caught up with trying to make sure we say what we need to say that we can’t HEAR what people are trying to communicate. Just a bunch of noise…..that’s all I hear is noise when people talk. I’m tired of noise.

All this to say 35 is forcing me to grow up. I don’t want to participate in childish games anymore. It’s tiring and making me look old and put on stress weight. I just want to live and let live. Love without parameters and enjoy those who want to be enjoyed.

Ghosted…..

Hey kids!! I haven’t been as active as I wanted to this year but I’m going to do a better job next year. I am excited for this year coming up. Great relationship, new career moves and I’ll be done with my book (thank God!!!)

Dating tip: Nobody is ever too busy to see you. They’ll make time for what’s important. Don’t play yourself….move around and be happy❤

We’ve all been there you’re talking to someone, getting a pretty good vibe, you go on a couple of dates, phone conversations are amazing, you are feeling like this person could help you end the crazy cycle of dating. But then it happens…. phone calls are less frequent, text messages turn into one word responses and then….out no where…*puff* that person disappears.

Now look there’s a whole bunch of reasons this could happen: they were in between choosing you and someone else, they realized you wanted more than they could give, you said something that threw the vibe off… etc. To be honest I’ve been on both sides of this and I have ghosted men for far more petty reasons than this (if you contact me before 7 am on the weekend or holiday break I can’t roll with you). Either way it’s not a great feeling and only a sociopath would be okay with ghosting (only you can prevent sociopathic tendencies)…..so consider this a guide to get over being ghosted.

1. It really isn’t you….I promise it’s them….

Now look as much as you want to try to figure out whats wrong with you and how could you have done anything different….well you can’t/couldn’t. It’s a process the “ghost” has to walk themselves through. The only thing you can ever control in this brief blip in your dating life yourself. As long as you were your authentic self there is nothing you could have done differently. So don’t think if you change who you are then it will help the next time because well it won’t. Continue to be the beautiful light that you are and you will be recognized.

2. Set your boundaries

You need to make sure you have” hard nos” to safeguard yourself. When you set boundaries it will help you avoid ghosting. Now this doesn’t mean the person will pick you to date but it will help you make sure the boundaries you set for yourself aren’t violated.

3. Moving forward……

Okay now look dating sucks especially in today’s society. Hell it seems like “let’s just see what happens” is the new title for relationships these days. It keeps one foot in and one foot out, this is what makes ghosting so easy. But you don’t have to go with the flow, move forward expecting a real grown up relationship (guess this goes with number 2). You will either end up in a real life realtionship or continue being the best single person you can be. Either way make sure you are happy and content with the life that you are going to continue to live.

4. Do not expect closure…..create it for yourself.

The ghost will never give you the closure you feel you deserve (I promise this was the best advice I received from a man). There is nothing anyone can say to help you move on, it has to be your choice. Will you move forward or will you continue to harp on something you can’t change? My advice is to forgive yourself and move on. The world is too big and filled with too many amazing people to just worry about one.

I’m not saying any of this will protect you from future ghost but it will help you to continue to be the most fabulous light that people will ever encounter. Just keep living and moving and I can guarantee you can make this the best life ever.

I didn’t want to be her again….

Hey guys….. I’ve been MIA and I apologize. I wanted to write something else but this wouldn’t leave me alone so……

I don’t want to be that girl anymore. Yeah she might be skinnier, a little more attractive, a little easier but nah I don’t want to be her. See back then she used to sweat the small stuff. She used to allow what others thought and said about her drive her crazy. So she tried to fit a mold. A mold that she wasn’t ever meant to fit. A mold that no one can ever fit.

That girl was full of anxiety and unsure about her future. She believed many lies that were told to her and that she told herself. She believed that she was unlovable. Something proven to her by people who she thought cared about her. They would provide lip service but could never back it up with action.

So instead of living she just existed. There was no drive, there was no purpose, she was just there. Until one day something inside of her screamed to be released. Someone who she had lost so long ago. She decided to let her free. Free to be whoever she wanted to be. That’s when I found me. I was finally comfortable in my own skin being who I was supposed to be. No more pretending, just living the life I really wanted to live.

Now I understand those experiences have shaped and molded me. I may not be perfect but I can tell you I’m definitely content and happy (and maybe just a little exhausted).

*I ain’t het no more!!!*