Hey kids!!! I kinda of jumped in this series #lessonslearned without really giving a background of why I even started this blog in the first place. So let’s go back down memory lane *cues Back down Memory Lane by Minnie Riperton* (Awwww yeah)
Confessions From A Red Couch was born out of frustration. I was frustrated with life. My job sucked, my relationship was dying, my mental health sucked and it was affecting my physical health. I was having frequent debilitating panic attacks and migraine headaches. I had lost some of my pillars of strength in life. I had just been diagnosed with a blood clot that appeared out of thin air. My hope was gone. My faith was gone. I couldn’t pray….matter of fact I didn’t even know what to pray. I was mad at everyone including God and felt there was no where to turn (depressing right).
So one Saturday night when I was confined to my house (Dr ordered time at home) I figured I would change my surroundings in the house. So I went to my library/front room (I call it the creamsicle room) and sat on my red couch and started writing EVERYTHING I was feeling that would have led me to commit suicide in that room. Every hurt, every pain, every frustration, EVERYTHING. I would cry, write and sleep (this was the cycle for 2 days) and when I finished I finally prayed. I finally opened my mouth and talked to God. I finally let God heal my heart and dry my tears. I finally let go and at the moment of release God presented me with the name “Confessions From the Red Couch”.
Now it still wasn’t easy. I always thought who in the world could want to read my ramblings. Who would actually read this foolishness? No one will be able to relate to me and my own personal pity party. Everytime I would write an entry someone would inbox me saying how my transparency helped them. Someone would always send an email about how they don’t feel alone in their situation.
I never expected this blog to really be anything, just a place to rant, but it helped save my life. God allowed me an outlet for not only me but for others. Am I rich from blogging? Nope. Do I do this for monetary gain? I want to some day, but for now I’m writing for the simple fact that I owe it to God to share my experiences with others. Are things better now than when I first started blogging? Yep, but it’s not perfect, and I’m okay with that. I’ve learned so much about myself and how to maneuver through life a little bit better.
Well….that’s all folks lol I really appreciate those who have stuck with me as a have traversed this thing called life for the past 4 years. Yall have stuck with me through a lot and for that I am thankful. Since the holiday season is upon us I’m only going to post once in November and December. I really need to spend time with my family and loved ones without any distractions. 2019 be ready for a totally revamped blog, a new podcast and some good old “merch” (aka merchandise). I love you guys be safe and keep being amazing ❤
Well let’s do this again…..I did it in 2012 and now it’s time for another one. I need to get my focus back without any distractions. I have a lot of things I need to accomplish in the next three years. The last time I did this I ended up in a relationship at the end. Not this one….the goal is to make sure I gain a new sense of self. I’m starting now and plan on ending in December (family cruise!!!)
Here are the rules:
1. No serious dates.
2. I will not give any of my contact information to anyone new.
3. Those who I have erased and they feel the need to contact me will not be getting a response.
4. Anytime I think about going against the mancation rules I have to do 20 pushups.
5. Those who are able to contact me will be on a 10 minute limit. If they can’t get it out in 10 minutes then the conversation is meaningless.
I hereby promise to stick to these rules, if not I plan on having some very fabulous arms by December and in time for our family cruise.
I’m tired of hearing this statement which is always followed by some type of bad news “You’re such a good woman”…..like the first part of that statement is going to make me feel great about what follows.
“…. Why are you single?” Really….. you really want me to answer that okay……I have three legs…..no, no that’s not it maybe it’s because I snore…..no, no wait maybe it’s my three degrees, a career, house, and no kids (not putting down my single mothers….. yall rock for real). Don’t you think if I knew I wouldn’t be single? How about you ask God and see what He says….. right. No don’t walk away offended, it’s a stupid way to ask someone why they are single. Feelings hurt? Oh well mine were too by that question.
“…..I don’t deserve you”….. well now who does? Oh I get it’s the good old “build up to let down”. Make someone feel good about themselves when you have to deliver bad news. That’s funny but realize it makes no sense. If I were so good then I could help bring you to the level you want to reach, but the reality is you don’t want to achieve that level of excellence. You do realize that now you have set a standard for yourself to fall below the level you think you’re good enough for. Smh foolishness…..it’s the equivalent of saying “it’s not you it’s me”! Boy if you don’t get that crap outta here.
And last but not least my favorite……”I don’t know why I didn’t stay”. Really….. really!?!? Oh so you figured this out after you married or had a baby with the one you knew was below your level. Now you’re having regrets…. sir I laugh at your foolishness. You sneak and go through all your old phone records, fb meessages, twitter, whatever to look up my phone number to bother me with your regrets. Really? That’s all I can think to say. But being the person I am, I listen and give you advice to help your relationship out, why? Because I would want someone to do the same for me. Because I have faith that everyone still has some type of good in them to help others workout their situations.
Maybe that’s what makes me such a “good woman” my faith. My faith in God that He knows exactly what I need in my life. Every experience, every relationship, every trial and tribulation. I know that God has a plan for our lives and everything we go through will workout for our good in the end. And since it’s not the end I know my good is coming.
So i am now the single girl that’s not in a relationship. I’m in the process of moving forward with the rest of my life, because that’s what you do move forward. But I’m still baffled by the whole thing. How can someone say they have your back one moment turn around and place your whole life in danger and make you feel like the situation was your fault? How does someone reject encouragement and faithfulness? Okay….I need to bring it back because this is not what I want to talk about (woosahing…. breathing…. living)
Back to the nature at hand (shout out Dr.Dre)…I really do want a forever kind of love. Not that googly eye, heart flutter, leg melting thing. That’s all based on emotions, things that wear off. That’s all temporary the excitement of something new. Some people thrive off this and end up jumping from relationship to relationship. They don’t have the maturity, emotional or spiritual deepness to get past this point. Think about your Middle school/high school crush…… (oh Lord I remember mine)…. think about the feeling you had as he walked down the hallway. He probably gave you a quick greeting that made you feel like you were going to absolutely melt that moment. Now fast forward to your 10 year reunion….. did you feel the same way? Hell I didn’t….. zero emotion whatsoever, it wasn’t ever deep. Just so superficial (and I’m pretty sure he didn’t look the same).
I want that married for 65 years type of love. That love that lasts through infinity and time. That love that you don’t ever have to question no matter what you’ve been through. Im over the emotions and games people play. Anybody can love when things are new and fresh, but can you do it when I don’t understand you? Can you do it when I know you have to make a hard decision that’s doesn’t bring comfort to either one of us? Can you do it when your back is against the wall? That’s the forever type of love I’m looking for. Yes I’m putting pressure on the next one. I don’t want my heart to be played with. So if you don’t want what I want please don’t play games or be a pretender….. life is too short to not live it the way you want.
This Saturday helped me realized things that I enjoy.
1. I really enjoy waking up in the morning and going back to sleep. I’m not a morning person, I am more of a wake up for 2 hours and go back to sleep for an hour type person. This is particularly significant because my profession does not allow this to happen often. It explains why I’m not fully functional until about 9:30-10am, I’m still waking up.
2. I love to clean my house in t-shirt and spanks. No I’m not talking about the figure altering brand of shape contorting under garments. If you have ever played organized volleyball or were a track athlete, you know I’m just referring to really short spandex. It’s actually quite liberating since house work is kinda like a workout anyway lol.
3. Not having to rush out of the house to do anything is THE MOST fabulous thing in the world. During the week I have to complete things for my job, for church, or just helping others out. When I get a Saturday where I get to choose what I truly want to do it is absolute bliss!!
4. Uninterrupted reading time!!! I love to read….for enjoyment. I remember when I graduated from college I vowed to only read for enjoyment…..no text books or manuals or anything educational, and then I became a teacher (p.s. teacher editions are the devil). So when I get time to get lost in a book I relish. I spent the whole day reading, cleaning and eating!! That my friends is what I call the best day ever 🙂