#Lessonslearned Self Destructive Behaviors Is What I Used To Do

self destruction

Hey hey kids!!! I am still here, still going strong. #30daysofblogging has been a completely amazing journey. Day 15 is in full effect and the halfway mark. I had to take a brief break to recover from the weekend. No I wasn’t kickin it (lol waiting until the Girls Trip 2019), but Chris had his first catering job. I am super proud of him and the amazing job he did. If you are in the Houston/Dallas area and you need amazing food made by a professional chef contact All or Nunn Catering. He does food prep, intimate date nights and large parties. Okay enough with me gushing over bae, let’s talk about self destructive behaviors.

Since I started this blog I have been fighting some bad habits and behaviors. I knew I had to change some self destructive tendencies I had adapted into my life. Why, because they just made it easier to traverse through life. Now just because something feels good doesn’t mean it’s right…and that’s my TED talk 🤷🏾‍♀️. I kid, but I’m going to be transparent about my foolishness.

Negative Self Talk

I wrote an entry earlier this year about the damage of negative self talk and how to move forward. Negative self talk is a cancer to your life. I know for a fact that the majority of my other self destructive tendencies stem from this one right here. Think about it, if you have nothing positive to say about yourself how can you believe what anyone else says about you. I used negative self talk to beat others negative criticism about me, and the crazy thing is that no one else was doing it but me. I had to shift my way of thinking about myself in order to appreciate the things that I have been doing as much as everyone else around me.

Failing to Take Action

I used to be the queen of planning things but never moving past the plan. So much so I was being honored with an award and right before I told everyone who was supposed to show up that I wasn’t coming. Why, because of failure to action. I didn’t want to do it because it would bring attention to me. And by bringing attention to me people would see that I wasn’t worth the award. Now do you see that stupid way of thinking? Just dumb….I don’t want to act because it will bring attention to me.

Oh here’s another one I fail to act because I’m afraid of failure. I am so afraid of failure that I will not act. Therefore I wouldn’t know if my idea would work or not because I DIDN’T ACT. What foolishness is this. I’m in a rut because I refused to act and it’s no one else’s fault but mine. Chillleeee if y’all don’t give me an offering after this…..LAWD. My book is not done yet because of fear of failure. I don’t do Facebook/IG live because of fear of failure. I don’t act so I DON’T SUCCEED.

Hiding From Emotion

I was the emotionless queen for a while. I didn’t have appropriate emotional responses to certain situations. Instead of being sad anger was the only response I could show when I was hurt. I never cried l and I only showed love to my family and really close friends. And when I did cry it was usually because I was so angry and I knew I couldn’t do anything about it. How confusing is was this to others? Honestly I was the epitome of the stereotypical “Angry Black Woman”.

I started to see the effect it had on my relationships and knew I had to change. I realized showing emotions was not weakness and angry does not make me strong (but it did make me look crazy).

Sabotaging Relationships

Hello my name is Janae and I used to utterly DE-STROY relationships. You don’t do something I like? Gone. I get a bad vibe….skert skert (sorry I’m listening to Migos lol). Why, I think it has to do with showing emotions and being vulnerable. I didn’t want ANYONE think that they could do anything to hurt me. So relationships l, for me, were only temporary and based on my needs getting satisfied. Sure the other person might have thought I was being sweet and caring, but in reality I was counting down to the days I would ghost them (I didn’t say I have always been a great person). I didn’t learn it was possible to have a healthy relationship until I started to work on myself. That was when I decided to stop sabotaging my relationship with myself so that I could actually have healthy relationships with others.

That’s what this blog and podcast are all about. I really want people to see that I know where you’re coming from and I can get you to where you want to go. Life is hard, but when you add self inflicted pain from self destructive behaviors it becomes sad and lonely. Do yourself a favor and let that stuff go. You need to drop your guard and have healthy boundaries.

 

#LessonsLearned: I Don’t Have Time

I don't have time
Day 8 and away we go. Just a recap, #30daysofblogging is still going strong. I am in a better mental place AND my productivity is kicking booty. I got something I need to get off my chest though. My really good sister-friend Kimbrella uses one of my favorite phrases to state how she feels about foolishness “I DON’T HAVE TIME!!!” That’s the way I feel about certain things in life….I DON’T HAVE TIME. Anything that’s not productive or life changing is a waste of time I do not have. What’s the purpose of putting energy into things that aren’t beneficial to my life right now. I have enough on my plate as it is.
Things I DO NOT have time for:

Hyper judgmental people:

Why, WHY must we still be on this judgmental thing: Like it’s 2019, we’ve had a black president, taken multiple trips to the moon and outer space, even electric cars. People still have opinions about what others are doing with their lives. Guess what there’s more than one way to do things, so stop. Stop getting mad because people aren’t doing what you think they should do. Also how about you go judge ya mama because she probably ain’t doing nothing you want her to do either.

People who are just mean for the simple fact of being mean:

So I was looking through my comments and ratings for the podcast and somebody gave me a one star rating. Now if I wasn’t secure in myself I would have been shaken, but come on now lol 1 star hahahhaha that’s hilarious. Which leads me to this, why are you so miserable with your life that you have to make everyone else miserable? What is your purpose? Do you need a hug? Or maybe just something productive to do like actually doing something semi positive for someone else…..just maybe.

People who try to find you even though you’ve blocked them on pretty much everything:

If I block you guess what DON’T FIND ME ON ANYTHING ELSE. It means leave me alone. Don’t you find it strange that you are telling me to call you from LinkedIn and it’s not about a job opportunity. I don’t have time for your foolishness that’s why you were blocked in the first place.

People that are stuck:

Okay so you are stuck. You are in a place in your life that is uncomfortable and you don’t know your next move. We have all been there but you don’t have to stay in that position. You can make a plan and get out. It may not be easy but you can do it. Life is too short to dwell in a dead place and no one wants to constantly hear about it. So if you’re stuck…..MOVE something…anything just move.

People who lie about the most simple things:

My God in Heaven, why lie about the simplest things. Now I know sometimes people tell “white lies” to get out of tough situations, I get it. Is it right, nope but I get it. Now here’s my issue, when you lie all the freaking time for things that don’t even matter. Like I don’t get it. Here’s the issue, once you tell one lie, you have to keep lying. Look telling the truth may be hard but it’s the best way to go.
I hope this isn’t as petty as it sounded while I was typing it. But when I say I don’t have time, I mean I DON’T HAVE time. Honestly no one really has time for any of this foolishness. And neither should you. As I have told many of my students, life is too long AND too short to deal with any of the above or anything else you feel is just interfering with you living your best life. Make sure you listen to the podcast tomorrow which will be live on Facebook at 8 pm. We are going to talk about the journey to living a fulfilled life.

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#LessonsLearned: Music Soothes My Soul

Music for my heart

Day 7, Hey hey Kids!! Still on this amazing journey and I can notice a difference. If you are new, you are joining the me during a #30daysofblogging challenge.  I decided to do this to fight my depression and become more productive. I can honestly say that my plan is working, with the help of some banging music. Honestly I am in such a better head space it’s not even funny. I thank God and my support system for helping me to keep it together. My husband MADE me talk to him (which he can do that because I love him). He allowed me to speak my truth without any judgement or even trying to “fix” me. I’m not used to just venting and letting go, and he allowed me to do that very thing that I was in desperate need of.

Let’s get into the meat of this thing. Today isn’t anything really juicy, no real sarcasm or extra foolishness. Just want to talk about the music that’s feeding me at the moment. Now look some of these songs aren’t entirely spiritual and deep because that’s not what I listen to when I workout. I feel that there’s a time and place for everything, even music. When I workout that’s my time for the most ratchet part of my heart to come out. So let’s get into what I’m listening to……

A Great Work by Brian Courtney Wilson

This song has been helping me keep my head up. You know some times it’s frustrating trying to live up to the greatness that everyone sees in you. There are days that I feel like I can’t live up to anyone’s expectations, even my own. This song helps me to remember that I am not in this thing called life alone. The greatness that is in me, the fight to accomplish, the fight to be better than what I want to be, has noting to do with anything that I could have ever planted in myself. It’s a response to what has been in me since birth. When this fire was planted in me it was a fight to not only benefit me but others who I encounter. I may not be training for a track meet or another competition. This is a fight to complete this work that God has placed within me.

The Homecoming Album by Beyonce

Look you can have whatever opinion you want but this grown woman is killing it business wise. Beyonce has created a legacy for her children’s children. If you haven’t watched the Netflix special behind the production of the performance then you need to. The whole backstory is crazy and she pushed herself to the max to put on one hell of a show. So every mix on that album tells me not only am I capable because I am a Woman but I am capable because of who I believe I am.

Press by Cardi B

Now I warned you, and you can’t say I didn’t (refer to the second paragraph) please and thank you). Look this song has gotten me through the worst of leg day for the past two weeks. Talking about PRESS….what better way to tell me to throw up some weight. Soon as that beat drops that part of my lil rachet soul starts to flex (okay it’s not ratchet but you get what I mean).

Now do I have other music on the rotating ever evolving playlist, I sure do. But for now this is what’s keeping me going. Make sure you tune into the podcast that”s going to be on Facebook live at 8 pm tomorrow. Please please please go to https://linktr.ee/redcouchconfessions  to like, subscribe and follow on the different listening platforms (ESPECIALLY YouTube).  We will be discussing what happens when you’re filled but not fulfilled and what you can do.

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#lessonslearned: My Faith ALWAYS Pulls Me Through…….

 

Faith: Bible and my picture

Day 4, blog 4 and here we go. If you are just tuning in well let me catch you up. I am doing a #30daysofblogging challenge to fight depression and stay productive. The things that have kept me pushing forward are my family, my friends and my faith. My faith is what has always kept me rooted and grounded in the best kind of way. It’s been the one thing that has always been there to pull me through life.

My RELATIONSHIP not my religion

I have a firm solid relationship with God that has been tested and tried in the fire. I knew that a relationship with God was more than hoping that I get what I needed from Him, like a genie in a bottle. There’s a difference between the two. Religion keeps you in a box. A relationship frees you from that box. I learned the difference from living life. See in my mind I had to be the good little church girl which I was trying my hardest to be.

I was at church every Sunday, bible study every Wednesday night, prayer meetings, conferences, working with the youth, singing in the choir, child I tried it. You know trying to be the model christian girl, the one others looked up to, the “Chosen One” in the church. Therefore, I was working so hard at putting up this front that I was screaming on the inside and was miserable, not because I was serving God but I was trying too hard. Sounds confusing right….well let me explain.

The Change

I learned that I couldn’t bribe God with good behavior. The process I had to work through was that I knew that God had called me and chosen me. Even if I didn’t feel like I was worthy. I was miserable because I was trying to make everyone proud and instead actually being genuine.Now don’t get me wrong I’m still trying to figure out the perfect balance for my life. I do know that God wants me to enjoy the earth and the things He has blessed me with. And that my life is in His hands, my faith is the reason I move in confidence and not in fear.

The remedy

Now am I not saying I’m perfect….heck to the no. I’m pretty sure at some point I have broken a few commandments while writing this blog (help my mouth Lord!!!). If you’re offended after reading this all I can tell you right now is to stop reading my blog or listening to the podcast all together. And if you feel the need to judge me…..honey judge your mama. Child please don’t go running to your pastor. First of all this is what works for me, because it’s my relationship not your’s. But I can tell you this, I feel a much bigger connection.

Inspiration

Now let me leave you with some scriptures that help me to continue pull through, every single day:

  1. Ephesians 3:20
  2. Philippians 4:13
  3. Proverbs 4:23
  4. Isaiah 41:10
  5. I Peter 5:7

Like I said before, I am definitely not trying to tell you how to serve God. My goal is to try to be as transparent as possible and not have you believe there’s some mystical nonsense to God. Just believe and listen, I promise things will change. No you won’t always get what you want, but remember GOD IS NOT A GENIE. That’s not the way life works.

#lessonslearned The Self Abuse Stops Here

Hey kids and welcome to the New Year!!!! We are fabulously floating into the 2nd month of the year and everything is just amazing. Let me tell you between getting married (yea I OFFICIALLY have a husband…tuh ), seeing the love from all of our family and and launching a podcast things seems to be looking up. But honestly because of my personality and thought process I’m waiting for a the sky to fall or something horrible to happen. Why because god forbid that HE, meaning God, loves me that much to just be freaking happy. But I have to remind myself that God really does love me THAT much and I really do deserve to be happy.

That leads to today’s topic…..Self abuse: beating yourself down because you failed or didn’t meet a goal or you just don’t think you deserve to be as happy as you are at the moment. As you can see I am guilty of this. Why….I don’t actually know. But here are ways I combat it…..
1. I forgive myself- doesn’t even matter if I did someone wrong or if I missed a deadline. I forgive myself and move on to the next task.
2. I improve self talk- no need to call myself a failure and stay in a place of self imposed shame. Nope I think about things I did correct in the situation and focus on that. Instead talking down on myself I tell myself “Hey ot may have not turned out the way you wanted it to but guess what you handled this, this and this a lot better than what you would have in the past”. See make the switch from negative to positive.
3. I implement positive rewards for positive behaviors but I don’t punish myself for mistakes. Yep I give myself a pat on the back for the positives. That goes along with #2.
4. I make myself move forward whether things go right or wrong. No need to wallow in the past, whether it happened 5 years ago or 5 minutes, I have to keep progressing.
I found that stopping self abuse helped me understand that everyone isn’t perfect, I gained a lot of patience and it helped me to find the good in others. Treat yourself better, the world is already hard enough. Why make it harder by abusing yourself?

Check out the Confessions From A Red Couch podcast bimonthly on every major listening platform.

#Lessonlearned Confessions from the life of a Former Control Freak

Hey kids!!! I’m back from one of the greatest experiences in my life. I married my best friend and gained even more amazing family. Goodness the amount of love I felt on that day was just indescribable. It’s funny that it was only about 3 years ago when I thought I could never feel or would never allow myself to feel the love that I feel every single day now. It took some time, work, and prayer to get me to where I am today. Please believe I am so happy I’m here.

Okay, for all this “growth” let’s talk about where I came from. Not because I want to dwell in the past but I want to remember where I never want to go back to.

My life as a control freak or the politically correct term “type A personality” was absolutely full of umm stress and anxiety. It was utterly exhausting trying to control every single thing around me. At times I knew I looked like a crazy woman. Always trying to control my family to do what I wanted. Always wanting my students and athletes to be the best EVEN if it meant not giving an inch to let them actually have fun (well not my athletes…I made sure they had a good time 🤷🏾‍♀️ call me biased).

I knew changes had to be made and fast. Things were so bad that I couldn’t control my emotions. I could never have the appropriate emotional response to situations. I would laugh when I should have been sad. Instead of expressing my anxiety I would become enraged or just flat out break down. It was so bad I couldn’t even celebrate joyous occasions, always thinking the worst would happen instead of just enjoying the moment.

So here are ways that I began to deal with the control life:

1. I stopped thinking I knew how others would react. The dumbest thing in the world is trying to predict others reactions. You are not them (I had to scream this to myself in the mirror). Everyone is not you and you are not them. How you react to a situation is not the same way someone else will. Stop thinking you can control people’s reactions.

2. Stop making up situations in your head. It’s not reality its your own imagination. If you have a negative way of thinking then chances are EVERY situation you come up with is going to end horribly. For me this is so I wouldn’t get my hopes too high if things didn’t go my way which is utterly ridiculous because nothing has really been a life ending experience. Might not have felt good going through some things but I’m still here.

3. You can’t control people’s feelings about you. I have written a post about not being everybody’s cup of tea and there’s nothing you can do about it. And guess what most times you can’t change it, but it has nothing to do with you. You have to be able to keep on living regardless of the thoughts others have about you.

4. You can only control what you have direct influence over. Your thoughts, your actions, your emotions and your response. That’s it!! You can’t control anything else but this. So why not make sure all of these are filled with positivity, genuineness, truth and love. That’s all you can control.

Once I began living a this truth my life started changing for the better. Do I still have to remind myself of these things….umm yeah. It’s easy to fall back into the same pit falls but I don’t stay in them. I keep moving forward one day at a time.

Life with Him

We did it lol ❤

#lessonslearned: The Great Beginning

Hey kids!!! I kinda of jumped in this series #lessonslearned without really giving a background of why I even started this blog in the first place. So let’s go back down memory lane *cues Back down Memory Lane by Minnie Riperton* (Awwww yeah)

Confessions From A Red Couch was born out of frustration. I was frustrated with life. My job sucked, my relationship was dying, my mental health sucked and it was affecting my physical health. I was having frequent debilitating panic attacks and migraine headaches. I had lost some of my pillars of strength in life. I had just been diagnosed with a blood clot that appeared out of thin air. My hope was gone. My faith was gone. I couldn’t pray….matter of fact I didn’t even know what to pray. I was mad at everyone including God and felt there was no where to turn (depressing right).

So one Saturday night when I was confined to my house (Dr ordered time at home) I figured I would change my surroundings in the house. So I went to my library/front room (I call it the creamsicle room) and sat on my red couch and started writing EVERYTHING I was feeling that would have led me to commit suicide in that room. Every hurt, every pain, every frustration, EVERYTHING. I would cry, write and sleep (this was the cycle for 2 days) and when I finished I finally prayed. I finally opened my mouth and talked to God. I finally let God heal my heart and dry my tears. I finally let go and at the moment of release God presented me with the name “Confessions From the Red Couch”.

Now it still wasn’t easy. I always thought who in the world could want to read my ramblings. Who would actually read this foolishness? No one will be able to relate to me and my own personal pity party. Everytime I would write an entry someone would inbox me saying how my transparency helped them. Someone would always send an email about how they don’t feel alone in their situation.

I never expected this blog to really be anything, just a place to rant, but it helped save my life. God allowed me an outlet for not only me but for others. Am I rich from blogging? Nope. Do I do this for monetary gain? I want to some day, but for now I’m writing for the simple fact that I owe it to God to share my experiences with others. Are things better now than when I first started blogging? Yep, but it’s not perfect, and I’m okay with that. I’ve learned so much about myself and how to maneuver through life a little bit better.

Well….that’s all folks lol I really appreciate those who have stuck with me as a have traversed this thing called life for the past 4 years. Yall have stuck with me through a lot and for that I am thankful. Since the holiday season is upon us I’m only going to post once in November and December. I really need to spend time with my family and loved ones without any distractions. 2019 be ready for a totally revamped blog, a new podcast and some good old “merch” (aka merchandise). I love you guys be safe and keep being amazing ❤

I said yes to my dress all while being bossy lol
My blessings right here…..my hearts ❤
Me and my love…..✊🏾 Forever

#lessonslearned Dump that toxic baggage

Let’s talk about what afflects us all…..baggage. Some baggage we can chalk up to lessons learned and some of it is just garbage we need to burn in a trash heap. As much as we’d like to say that “Oh girl I’m good, just happy to be out of it” or “You know I’m just happy I can move forward to better” we still have to deal with the issues that we carry from the toxic dump nuclear waste of a situationship.

1. Take responsibility for your actions and responses only. If you did all you knew how to please the other person then that’s all that matters. You can only be responsible for the things that you can do physically and emotionally. In relationships whether friend, family, or significant other we tend to judge the success based on the response of others to our actions. You can not, I repeat, YOU CANNOT control someone else’s response to your best intentions.

2. Each situation is not like your last. Take each new relationship as a new beginning. They are not like the last person so quit treating and making them seem like they are. You have every right to wish the best in every new situation until you have a reason not to. But do not hold others responsib\nle for your hurt feelings.

3. Let go of the guilt. Things don’t work out for a reason. As humans we crave the constant praise and accolades for how well we are doing. That’s not life and most times you get it wrong. That’s okay!! If this relationship went horrible quick, whether it was your fault or the other parties fault, get up, forgive yourself and move forward. Holding on to the guilt from your past mistakes can keep from moving forward, in life and relationships.

I know it may seem like things won’t get better but I promise they will. I’m trying to make you understand that you have control of being a victim or a victor. Focus on the positives and moving forward. Life and relationships aren’t always about the good times, more so can you be a survivor and flourish through what life brings you. You learn from every interaction in your life. Please don’t let one or two keep you from living your best life ❤

You know just looking cute for my fiance and what not

Be Soft and Whole

Hey yall hey🤗 first off I want to give an honor to God who is the joy of my life. He’s given me so many opportunities, opened and closed so many doors, been with me through EVERYTHING and I just thank Him for it. Second, I want to thank the ones that have been rolling with me from the beginning, I just recently realized that this is my third year anniversary of my blog and I have had some faithful readers. Thank you from the bottom of my little heart for either reading to be nosey or reading for enjoyment, you have kept the stats rolling.

Umm….okay here we go. This is another touchy blog but I’m just going to do what I do. So my little sister posted a poem by Neon Soul called Soft and Whole, and it made me pause and think about life. I have tried so hard my whole life to not be seen as weak and vulnerable. I have always fought against labels as sweet, soft, open, etc. anything that would make others view me as anything other than strong was a negative.

But I now know I’ve been fighting in vain. No matter how much I try I still realize I’m soft. I still cry at certain parts in movies. I still love to spoil kids when necessary. I still treat my students like they are my top priority because they are my babies. I get happy at wedding proposals. I act like a big kid around my parents (in a good way….. not a spoiled way).My boyfriend makes me feel like a delicate little flower even though I can still bench press 235 lbs and squat well over 300lbs (I swear I have super powers).I’m at a point where I just don’t want to fight against it anymore. I don’t want to carry heavy things if I don’t have to. I don’t want to have to be physically AND mentally string all the time. So call me what you want yeah I’m soft, but please remember I will always bring these hands when needed and necessary.

Yep I’m a big mushy head….. but I’m still cute though❤

I’m letting it go Sis….

Hey y’all HEY!!! First I just want to toot my own horn and say YAAAASSSSS!!!! I have officially written three weeks in a row. Child when I set my mind to do something (good or bad) oh I gets it done. Secondly I want to praise God for the fact that I have less than 40 days left of this school year. For some reason this year has tested my will and my to do. From the look of my social media time line, so are the rest of my teacher friends. I don’t know if it’s the way we started the school year off (Harvey…..enough said) or it’s just the fact that it’s time for educational reform (this just might be my way into a doctoral degree……..and that’s a BIG MIGHT!!) but whatever it is I’m so ready for the end of it.

Okay let’s talk about letting the trash of life go. I’m not talking about that ex that did you horribly wrong and you feel like you just need to throw the whole dude away like he was never born (Sis I know the feeling….don’t worry I addressed that in an earlier post). No I’m talking about all the times you messed up and disappointed someone, you missed the mark that someone set for you, you slept with that person, you drank that drink, you did whatever you did knowing that it went against someone else’s idea for your life. Look I know about this all too well because I feel like I am the Queen of the let downs.

Don’t get me wrong when I do right and hit it out the park that ball goes for miles but the same goes for when I mess up……that dang ball goes on for miles (what can I say…..I don’t know how to do things on a small-scale). I’m writing all this to say I let the way I disappointed people in the past shape the steps I have taken in my present and toward my future. I have always felt and others have made me feel as though my mistakes, times I have misspoke, things I have typed, choices that I have made have disqualified me from continuing to accomplish the plan that God has for my life. As I continue to live I understand that all of those things, all of that foolishness, all the missteps are what have shaped me into the 35-year-old I am today.

SO TONIGHT I AM WRITING TO SAY: YEAH I DID ALL THAT AND MORE!!! Judge ya mama. I’m tired of letting people look at me like I’m not worthy enough to fit in the inner circle. I’m tired of people holding mistakes I’ve made ten years ago over my head and making me wear a scarlet A. I may not have turned out like you expected me to but DEAR GOD I’M HERE (thank you Alice Walker for the best quotes of my life). Your approval means nothing to me anymore. Making you proud is no longer on my list of accomplishments. Either you get behind me and support me or you can officially watch this train roll on. Your ideas of me will no longer hold me hostage.

And here I thought I looked like a burnt piece of bacon