I didn’t want to be her again….

Hey guys….. I’ve been MIA and I apologize. I wanted to write something else but this wouldn’t leave me alone so……

I don’t want to be that girl anymore. Yeah she might be skinnier, a little more attractive, a little easier but nah I don’t want to be her. See back then she used to sweat the small stuff. She used to allow what others thought and said about her drive her crazy. So she tried to fit a mold. A mold that she wasn’t ever meant to fit. A mold that no one can ever fit.

That girl was full of anxiety and unsure about her future. She believed many lies that were told to her and that she told herself. She believed that she was unlovable. Something proven to her by people who she thought cared about her. They would provide lip service but could never back it up with action.

So instead of living she just existed. There was no drive, there was no purpose, she was just there. Until one day something inside of her screamed to be released. Someone who she had lost so long ago. She decided to let her free. Free to be whoever she wanted to be. That’s when I found me. I was finally comfortable in my own skin being who I was supposed to be. No more pretending, just living the life I really wanted to live.

Now I understand those experiences have shaped and molded me. I may not be perfect but I can tell you I’m definitely content and happy (and maybe just a little exhausted).

*I ain’t het no more!!!*

What is your WHY……

Happy April! This morning as I was sitting through another meeting about building relationships and helping students develop into functioning adults (Lord knows we need more of those because somega people out there….). During the presentation they played a clip of Buster Douglas fighting Mike Tyson that talked about his WHY. His WHY for not giving up even though he was knocked down. His WHY for continuing to deliver hits even thigh he was the underdog.  His WHY for brevet giving up!!! (I’m not going to spoil it but watch the link below)

Now me being the extra sensitive 30 something year old that I am had to leave the room to shed a few tears because it was so touching. Truthfully I think I was crying because I think I’ve lost my WHY. Through the years it’s been family, my little sister, my students, my athletes,  young black women of the world…..etc. but now I don’t know.

Actually I think my WHY has shifted. Now it seems my focus and my actions are more so pleasing myself and God. I’ve been the “good little church girl” and the “responsible first born”. Those roles were fine and have helped push me into the woman I am today but now…..now what do I do?

Most women go through this transition in life. Our WHY motivation is so focused on taking care of others around us that we forget we are our biggest motivation. When it all comes down to the get down if it’s not for us, then who is it really for. Seeing others happy and taken care of others brings us joy, but what happens when the kids grow up, the students graduate, and people die? A shift has to be made,  you have to be your biggest WHY. You have to understand without you being that why nothing else really matters.

Today I vow to make myself my WHY. I plan to set goals that will please me and God only. I feel some good things are happening soon, but not to make anyone else proud. Just focusing on myself for now 🙂

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I think this dress is going to make me happy 😊

#Lessonslearned: More Than Wife Material

Hey Loves!! Well this is the month of love or lust or maybe just needing to be with someone. I get it, I get it,but just remember this is not a real holiday and you can make any month your month of love ( August for me :)). Don’t make yourself feel bad because you are single on Valentine’s day. Go out buy yourself some flowers and whatever else you want. Treat yourself to a nice dinner and love on yourself. Self love and acceptance is so much better than hoping someone accepts the wonderful person that you are. Loving yourself is so much more than being someone else’s wife material. Oh yeah and Beyonce=total slayage….let’s get in formation ladies!!!

images-1Well…I’m not wife material

Okay okay enough of that, let’s talk about this whole thing about being “wife material”. Now listen I’m not saying there is anything wrong with being married or aspiring to be married. Round of applause to you ladies, you have made a wonderful commitment to be someone’s partner to build and work together to do amazing things for the for the rest of your lives. But can I ask this, was being wife material your only aspiration? Seriously doubt it. Most of my married friends are movers and shakers in the world. They are getting things done along with holding down a household. I guess my issue is should we really only strive to be “wife material”, shouldn’t it be to strive to be the best “YOU” you can be?

 

You can keep that title……

I have been called wife material many times in my adult life but I’m not married. Should I be disappointed? Nope, I refuse to wrestle with this idea. At this time I have come to a place in life where if I get married great and if I don’t….great. Truthfully I want to be known as a great person. Needing to make an impact on people who eclipses my marital status, financial status, religion or race, is what I seek. To be the type of person when people talk about you and there’s nothing really negative they can say and the ones that do say them know deep down that it’s a lie, this is my major goal in life. I want to live a life that is so great that when I die people will know that I lived a truthful, fruitful, prosperous, eventful, never a dull moment life.

Yep I’m good on it…….

So excuse me if I don’t thank you for calling me wife material. Thank you for thinking that I will be a great companion and spouse, but I know that I am so much more. The same goes for the ladies that are married. They had identities before they said I do and that’s what their husbands fell in love with. Not their cooking and cleaning or their ability to be submissive. No they fell in love with their personality, their drive, their ability to do extraordinary things. So instead of saying that someone is wife (or husband) material how about we just tell them they are a great person and have the ability to make great partnerships.

 

Oh please believe and understand this is not me being anti-marriage. I love marriage!!! It is ordained by God so everything about being married is pleasing to the Lord. I can’t hate what is ordained. But as for me to only want that in life….oh no no no. God said the Earth and all of its fullness is mine to experience. So if that one aspect in my life isn’t fulfilled at this moment, I’m not going to miss out on the rest of what life has to offer.

Until next time Loves, have a beautiful time in life, learn to appreciate the little things and do something great :)!!!!

Hey make sure you visit my page on Facebook and like a couple of posts: https://www.facebook.com/confessionsfromaredcouch

7 Day #Self-Love Challenge

 

Self Love Challenge: Jennifer Hall http://abundantlifepractice.com/self-love-challenge/

Hey LOVES!!! I hope the start of this new year has found you in a prosperous, goal setting and fulfilling state of mind. I, myself, have been tackling old phobias and challenging old ways of thinking. It has been a journey but I feel like I’m making some headway. This month I decided to tackle the idea of self love and if I can truly say I love myself. I’ve always thought I did, I mean who doesn’t love themselves (Hell I’m freaking amazing right…) but I have been showing subtle signs of self hate (bih get it together!!) Not forgiving myself for choices I’ve made, eating horrible food and not getting any type exercise (does lifting the fork count?….no?) This could not be any way to bring in my new year right (New me…turn up lol).

I really thought I loved myself. I shop when I feel like it, I feed myself awesomely amazing food, give myself any and every legal form of indulgence that my little heart desired. Why you may ask…..well that’s self love right? Nope,unfortunately not, I was covering the sadness and disappointment I felt everyday and this cycle needed to change before I ate myself back into the predicament I was in last spring (sever booty-do).  I decided to take a 7 day Self-Love Challenge (link above) that I randomly found on Facebook while mindlessly scrolling through friends engagement and baby announcements and pictures (yes please make me feel worse about being single at the beginning of the year).

The 7 day self love challenge by Jennifer Hall offered a way to reprogram myself into loving me for who I am. Each day I was welcomed by an email that included an exercise, a positive affirmation and a great quote to help me overcome the day’s challenges. Self love isn’t about indulging one’s self but more so accepting you for you. Every choice, every consequence, every intricate detail of your very make up is who you are and nothing can change that. I learned my triggers (what will send me into a cycle of self loathing), what makes me happy, how to maintain a balance of self care (mind, body and soul) that will help me to love myself totally and not just for my positive attributes. I think we (mostly women) get stuck in a pattern of pleasing others so much that we begin to loathe those things that makes us “US”. So instead of embracing those things that make us different from the masses, we try to hide it (especially around certain people) in order to be accepted, because acceptance to us equals love and appreciation. I won’t go into great detail because I feel that it’s something you should experience for yourself.  If you find that self love is something you need to delve into a little deeper you should try Jennifer Hall’s Self Love class or her retreat.

Until February lovelies……..have a great rest of your month. I promise life is what you make it. If you are having a rough time make it a point to turn things around. Start changing little things first and the big things will follow.

 

 

 

*I was not paid to talk about this challenge lol truthfully I don’t even know if she will read this. I do know that it helped me and I feel that everyone should always get the help they need 🙂

 

 

 

From Grown Girl to Woman….Get Your Power Back!!!!

Happy New Year loves!!! It’s been a while and it was on purpose. I really had nothing to write about. Not because I wasn’t doing anything on the contrary I have been living life. Since my last post I have increased my countries visited in one year to five (Bahamas, Canada, Honduras, Belize, and Mexico), I started dating which has become so much fun and I have met some really nice people, and I have been figuring out this thing called life (dearly beloved we gather here today to get through this thing called life <3 some Prince). I have decided to slow things down for a little bit, just so I can enjoy the process and not sprint through it.

Now I know my sugas didn’t click on this link to hear about my adventures (or maybe you did and I’ll tell you about all of it next time), so let’s get down with the get down.

I recently read an article on femde.com that changed my entire outlook about my life when it comes to how I handle certain situations. It was an interview done with the lovely Ms. Jill Scott (swoon….) who always has wisdom for the people. My favorite quote was “I’m holding myself to another level of accountability, I used to blame whoever for hurting my feelings. ‘They were wrong, they did that to me.’ Hey! You chose that person. You accepted it. You went for it. You bit into the apple.You bought the wooden nickel.”

Not only did this make me stare into space from sheer shock, it made me reevaluate relationships in my life. The good, the bad and the down right ugly. I made all those choices. I allowed those relationships to form knowing what the consequences might have been. I have to take responsibility for EVERYTHING that has happened in my life (whew…..I may not be as smart as I thought). My pastor always says “Your mate is a product of your intelligence”…..well sir I may be single but my exes (that goes for ex-friends too) have shown I made some pretty dumb a** decisions. But I’m not here to tell you how I bashed myself, but in reality I transferred from a grown girl to a WOMAN and I took my power back.

The writer (Samantha Thornhill) did this amazing exercise where she wrote about a particular hurtful relationship. She saw outward and inward, how that person hurt her and how she allowed it all to happen. She totally did an introspective on how she participated in the madness!! So here it goes…I’m going to put it out there for everyone to see and not be ashamed of the truth that will be revealed.

I felt disappointed when you didn’t keep your word. You asked….no no BEGGED me to give you chance. You said you were different than everyone else and you’d always have my back. Yet you didn’t. I felt humiliated that you cheated on me with another co-worker. I could see if it were someone else that had no connection….but someone we worked with? We taught and mentored the same kids. We shared intimate space and conversations….you couldn’t…well you couldn’t have picked anyone else?I felt disbelief when you made it seem like it was totally my fault. Like with everything that was happening it was my fault and you were disgusted by the very sight of me. I felt disrespected by your utter disregard for anything we ever developed together. You were just going to stop talking to me all together like it would make me disappear as if I never existed.

I hold myself accountable for not being more forward about my expectations of the relationship. Just “seeing where it goes” was not meaningful enough for me and I didn’t communicate that. I hold myself accountable for not asking more questions about what you really wanted in the relationship and why that woman was ringing your doorbell at 230 in the morning. I hold myself accountable for trusting this person with holding me down. It felt awesome to have someone new in my world that could see how great I truly was (or so I thought) and to say that they had my back…man. I hold myself accountable for not protecting myself by not listening to the holy spirit (for those who don’t know…my gut). I went totally against every warning sign in my body and trusted superficial acts and words. Truth is I knew it shouldn’t have lasted as long as it did….hell it never should have even started. I broke down all my walls and reservations, against all my knowledge and wisdom, and made a decision based on loneliness.

………And there it is. The truth and nothing but the truth. I think the thing that has made this less painful is the fact that I can do this with any relationship and stop the blame game. In order to be a WOMAN I have to accept the responsibility of my choices. It hurts and I feel a bit of shame, but I do understand this is necessary to grow and evolve. Without evolution there can be no adaptation and without adaptation there is no survival. Life is about growing and surviving……and I have to grow into a woman and take my power back 🙂

The article mentioned can be found here: Are you a WOMAN or grown girl? written by Samantha Thornhill

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The View from the Red Couch 🙂 FLOORS <3

I dont want to sound negative but…..

I try to be as transparent as possible. Not because I like to tell my business (please believe I do not like being this open) but because I would hope my random confessions and ramblings will help someone else get through whatever they are going through. With that being said…. I hate dating. Okay hate is a harsh word. I’m just not into it right now. I’m at a point in my life where I’m happy with the people who are in my circle at this moment.

Okay…. here we go……I don’t like wasting a really good outfit. Ladies you know you have that “one” outfit that you know would be perfect to wear on a date. You put it on, you look fabulous, you show up and…….whomp whomp waste of an outfit. To waste an outfit for me is death because I’m a “t-shirt and jeans” girl and could do without dressing up at times,  but I am a shoe girl. So to waste a great outfit AND a great pair of shoes *gasp* BLASPHEMY!!! I could have saved it for an outing with my girls who will gladly appreciate a great pair of polka dot, peep toe, around the ankle, stacked platforms (I haven’t worn those in a while actually………).

Next wasting a good place/event. Omg one time at band camp (ok let me get serious)…..I was invited to this benefit party for breast cancer. The theme was all black or white with a touch of pink. So i took a date….. bad choice. I was having fun but the look on his face…. man killed my whole mood. We only stayed for about 20 min. Waste of a fun event smh and they had a crazy sick DJ too 🙁

Wasting my time! I’m guarded about my time. Like seriously I cherish every minute that I get. So when my time is wasted….. yeah I get in a very unpleasant mood. Like sitting in silence for minutes….. waste of my time. Not being engaged on the date (he’s talking too much or I’m just talking for the sake of not dying of boredom) waste of my time. I could be loading my dishwasher, folding my mountain of clothes that I’ve been feverishly washing, or hell who knows something other than being at the epicenter of bad date!!! Don’t waste my time and energy if your just going to sit there on your phone, talking to everyone else that’s around us,  or just staring off into the distance. …. dude you could at least tell me about your day dream or just let me go home if you’re bored.

Well hopefully I get out of this rut after my mancation ends. It would be great to go on a date to something fabulous, like a charity gala or a great festival, can’t get too bored at those lol (yes wishful thinking I know)…. right?

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 *my new way to relieve stress*

Another Mancation

Well let’s do this again…..I did it in 2012 and now it’s time for another one. I need to get my focus back without any distractions. I have a lot of things I need to accomplish in the next three years. The last time I did this I ended up in a relationship at the end. Not this one….the goal is to make sure I gain a new sense of self. I’m starting now and plan on ending in December (family cruise!!!)

Here are the rules:

1. No serious dates.

2. I will not give any of my contact information to anyone new.

3. Those who I have erased and they feel the need to contact me will not be getting a response.

4. Anytime I think about going against the mancation rules I have to do 20 pushups.

5. Those who are able to contact me will be on a 10 minute limit. If they can’t get it out in 10 minutes then the conversation is meaningless.

I hereby promise to stick to these rules, if not I plan on having some very fabulous arms by December and in time for our family cruise.

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TAAAADAAAAA…….

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Tada!!!! Why have we stopped saying that when we do something awesome? Like when a three year old does it with simple things we give them the biggest round of applause (I mean seriously kid everyone takes a poop in the potty, you’re not special). We have celebrated so much marginal behavior (yeah I said ya kid ain’t special) that we overlook the amazing things we accomplished in our adult lives.

Every time you pay your house note you should run to your driveway and yell “TADA!!!!” as loud as possible.  When you get your kids dressed, fed, dropped off to school on time and you make it to work on time, you should get out of your car and yell “TADAAAAA!!!” in the parking lot of your job. Yeah this might freak the people around you out but you’ll have the biggest smile on your face and your day will probably go a whole lot better.

Well…..I’m doing mine right now…..TAAAADAAAA!!! Yessssssssss lol for my 33rd birthday I was able to drop all my “stress/life” weight that I gained over what I call “the 3 years from hell”. You name it, it happend. The culmination was the blood clot and a stay in the hospital.  I lost my mind and myself for a minute but this summer I got it back. So I owe myself a freaking TADA and I feel great about it lol. The picture in the orange was never posted by me….actually I never posted any pictures from that birthday and you see why.

So with that being said, make sure you find and give yourself a TADA moment every now and then. Celebrate your amazing moments even if no one else will. Find some thing even if it’s a simple every day thing to make you celebrate because the fact that you are here, alive and kicking is reason enough to jump up and give God some glory 🙂

Ladies and Gentleman…..Nikki Giovanni

So why didn’t I know about this fabulous poet until recent? Omg!!! Fell in love after reading one poem. I have life lol

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Afreakingmazing!! This one poem spoke more to my soul than any”selfhelpgetoverdramatolivearegularlife” book could ever give me. So i bought her book of love poems and I’ll read a poem a night to keep the idea of love in a positive light and chase away the doubt.

Good night loves 🙂

I really don’t want to write until……

I really don’t want to write until I get over this break up. I don’t want this to be a whole “moment” or a “significant point” in my life. I don’t want to give it the energy it’s trying to take out of me, especially since it’s my birthday week. But maybe if I write about the things I miss about being in a relationship it will help me move the hell on with life:

  1. I miss having someone other than my family or best friend’s to share my significant events with. Maybe it’s the fact that someone else out there cares enough about me, that makes me feel connected with the world. Birthdays, first day with faculty, the new shoes I just bought lol you know the real important stuff.
  2. I miss caring about someone so deeply. Yes I know I have my friends and family. Please believe I will go to war for them, but I’m supposed to. But to have someone whose not related or bound to you by your mutual love for shoes and MMXXL (figure it out, it’s a movie, and I’m trying to stop others from judging), that’s something different. To allow someone to let your guard down (especially mine, I’m freaking guarded like Fort Knox) to the point that you put them in the category of your shoe loving, print watching, socially awkward friends is a serious act of……. hell an act of Congress lol.
  3. I miss having someone have my back. Like this world is so crazy, you never know what or who people ate these days. It’s nice to wake up and know someone in this big old world has your back and supports you. Also someone who will check you when you need it. Yes my family does it but it’s always good to get an outsiders point of view.

Ok I feel a little better. I don’t understand why things happen and end but they do. I read that you have to let go of something to pave the way for better. So i promised myself I wouldn’t focus on the negative look at the positive and continue to push forward. I mean what’s the worst that can happen? I stay single, travel the world, and become a philanthropist? Or I could find the love of my life, get married, have two mini people and be happy?  Either way sounds good to me 🙂

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*I’m in my new classroom*