Marriage

#lessonslearned: Top 5 Newlywed Mistakes in Marriage


Marriage

 

Look I’m new to this thang but I peep game. As much as I never thought I would be happily married….here I am being happy AND married. These are the top five things that are actually helping me steer away from certain marriage pitfalls. Also check out me and my husband on the 7th episode of the podcast Confessions From A Red Couch, make sure you subscribe and like the video

Trying to hold onto complete independence

Biggest lesson I’m still learning is that it’s not him taking care of me or me taking care of him. We are taking care of each, the weight is not solely on one individual. I have to fight daily to understand this concept, because I’m accustomed to taking care of everything by myself for myself. Now I constantly have to shift my thinking from ME to WE. There’s no more just put your head down and power through it.  Now we have to talk about certain decisions….which leads to the next mistake.

Communication is key AND Comprehension is crucial

It’s one thing to hear someone and another thing to listen. In a new marriage it is important that you listen to each other. Listen to you spouse’s words, emotions, message. Don’t just hear to respond. Don’t hear and interject your feelings. What they are saying has absolutely nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. It may not make you feel great hearing it and you may not even agree with it, but you have to listen. Effective communication and comprehension is key to keeping a marriage healthy and thriving.

Agree to disagree…..

You were two different people who lead two different lives before you got married. I know people sell you this idea that you *wILl FiNIsh eACh OthErS sEnTEnCeS* and be simpatico (excuse me while I gag). Y’all that’s all apart of a fairy-tale that DOES NOT EXIST. Stop putting that pressure on each other. You will not agree on everything and that’s okay. What’s not okay is to keep an argument going because you can’t let it go. Remember you married that person because you loved them for who they are, not because y’all agreed on everything. Let things go and come to a compromise so you can move forward in a loving life together.

Marriage is serious but I’m going to need you to laugh

Who ever told them marriage isn’t fun lied to you. My Nunny Bear and I literally crack each other up on a daily. Why? If I can’t laugh at the person I’m going to be with forever then what’s the freaking point? Like seriously, I would hate to be in a marriage when all we do is argue and frown at each other all day. I’d rather be single and happy then deal with that bullspit. Yes there will be times where you have to handle serious situations (health scares, finances, death, job loss, etc) but they should never steal the joy you have on your bond.

Sex is for more than procreation…..I DON’T CARE!!!

SEX IS IMPORTANT AND FUN!!!

I have no clue why people are lying about this.  And the men and women who are living this lie and using the bible…..didn’t read the whole book. They stopped too early, and I’m talking about Genesis early. Who hurt you so much that you don’t sex feels good…..NEW FLASH: IT’S SUPPOSED TO!! It’s how partners connect. Yes you can do it without physical touch, but it’s supposed to lead to that.

I’m not an expert by any means but I will say I had a lot of great examples in life. But also remember, I am the woman who never thought she would have had this amazing life changing experience. I’m not perfect and he isn’t either but we both fight to make this work in a positive way for as long as we both should live.

#LessonsLearned I Failed at….

 

 

Happy April!! I have missed you guys since the last post. But here we are back together again. I want to talk about something that very few of us like to talk about. Failure!!! The big F word. I wrote an earlier post about recovering from failure. Failure can be a driving factor to succeed or to do nothing. Most of the times we run from failure because it’s not fun to say we didn’t get the desired outcome. failure is the biggest teacher in life. It has taught me so many lessons, most were quiet and no one really noticed. Some were public and embarrassing. What I have learned is this, when you fail it’s not the end of the world. So here are some areas where I royally blew it and how it taught me to succeed and do better.

Failure at Explaining myself

A long time ago I felt it was necessary to explain my intentions. I wanted people to hear why I did xyz and what my emotional, physical and metaphysical reasoning for a decision that had nothing to do with anybody but me. I felt I needed the world to know my intentions for my every move. You know what happened…..I was still misunderstood. People would still get their panties in a bunch or twist my words to seem negative.
So I stopped. I started making moves without answering others questions. Writing this blog, my move. Starting a podcast….my move. It was liberating. I stopped worrying what people were thinking about my decisions and actions and just started living. It helped me to make important without asking for permission. I guess this leads into the next one…..

Failure at Living up to others expectations

Lord knows I tried my hardest to fit into boxes others molded for my life. I really did, but it wasn’t comfortable. It always felt a pair of shoes that were ill fit. Just felt odd, like I was wearing a mask. It wasn’t until one day I looked in the mirror and cried because I didn’t like what I saw in the mirror. I was uptight, stressed, and closed minded. How could I love anybody else if I didn’t love myself enough to be myself?
I began to take suggestions about how and what I should have been doing with a grain of salt. Sure I have the degrees and titles but what would be the purpose of acting like I was better than anyone I was trying to serve? So I began to make sure that I was happy with who I was to myself and others. Did I care if I met others’ expectations…nope. This is my life to live not theirs, and I am going to live it being true to myself.

Failure at Checking and responding to email

This one may not seem as deep as the others but let me help you out. Important information comes through my personal, work and business email daily. If I don’t check either one with consistency AND follow up it could mean loss of a sponsor, missed parent/student communication, missed opportunities, and the worst missed money. I actually lost a job because I didn’t follow up with an email. Yes missed money all because I didn’t take the time out to read.
Now I check my email three times a day. I make sure I follow up with my school’s administration, my parents, my readers/listeners, and other opportunities. As of now some of those don’t pan out but the majority of the time they do. So I make it a point to employ a 24 hour rule when it comes to email communication. I flag unanswered emails and make sure they are priority. The age we are in now, email is a vital part of effective communication. I will never drop the ball like that again.

What have you failed at that has made you more successful now? Please comment the lessons you have learned from failure. I love to know what you have done to progress into a better person.

 

#lessonslearned Guide to Ending Toxic Relationships

Hey kids!!! Welcome back to another session on the red couch. To my faithful readers, I thank you once again for returning for more of my ramblings. To my new readers I would like to say welcome and thank you for reading. Now let’s take this ride together and see what happens.

Toxic relationships,no matter how much we try to avoid them, happen. Whether it’s family, friends or a significant other we have all encountered at least one toxic relationship. But here’s the truth you don’t always hear…..YOU DON’T HAVE TO STAY IN IT!! You have an absolute right to make sure your peace is never disrupted and no one EVER has a right to take that away from you, doesn’t matter who it is (stop letting your mama/daddy drive you crazy).
Here are ways to identify a toxic relationship

  • You are always the one giving in the relationship: You are giving the rides. You are paying for everything. You are giving emotional and physical support. You do all the giving and they suck it all up like a vacuum cleaner, never giving you anything in return but fake compliments and a raggedy thank you….sometimes.

  • They never show up when you need them: Got something special you want them to come to….well it ain’t happening. They will give you every excuse in the book why they can’t support you and it’s mainly because they can’t make it about them.

  • Can we say issa NARCISSIST?!?!! If it ain’t about them then it doesn’t matter.

  • Never ending drama that’s never their fault. So you start to notice their stories are always filled with drama about how someone did them wrong? They always make sure they look like the innocent one in the story, which means they leave out what they did in the situation.

I’m pretty sure you can identify at least one person that you call a friend, family member or significant other that has taken you on the toxic rollercoaster. I’ve been on that ride a time or two, but I realized that I didn’t need any of that foolishness in my life. So I began to reevaluate the relationships and took steps to get out (I stopped casting my pearls to the swine).

  • I affirmed my decisions to leave that person alone. Look at some point I knew if I wavered then I would get stuck in the same toxic cycle. I allowed myself to be okay with letting it go.

  • I set boundaries. Honey when they tried to come with weak apologies and empty promises I countered with what I wasn’t EVER going to allow them to do. Call it an ultimatum if you want but I knew they couldn’t stand up to those boundaries. It helped me to protect myself and my peace.

  • I had an understanding that things were ending with that individual because it was about me and my peace and not about them or their feelings.

  • I made sure I was less dependent of that person and their lack of support. I could support and love myself so much more than they ever could.

  • I surrounded myself with positive individuals that I knew would support and love me just like I would support and love them.

Toxic relationships are real and they do affect the majority of us. The key thing to do is to identify the toxic relationship and get out of it as soon as you can.

Thanks for reading!! I hope this helps you or someone else you know. Make sure you follow me on social media to get access to the live podcast that records biweekly. This week I will be talking about this exact subject with my good friend and guest Kimbrella ❤

IG: @RedCouchConfessions

Facebook: @confessionsfromaredcouch

Youtube: Confessions From a Red Couch

 

#Lessonlearned Confessions from the life of a Former Control Freak

Hey kids!!! I’m back from one of the greatest experiences in my life. I married my best friend and gained even more amazing family. Goodness the amount of love I felt on that day was just indescribable. It’s funny that it was only about 3 years ago when I thought I could never feel or would never allow myself to feel the love that I feel every single day now. It took some time, work, and prayer to get me to where I am today. Please believe I am so happy I’m here.

Okay, for all this “growth” let’s talk about where I came from. Not because I want to dwell in the past but I want to remember where I never want to go back to.

My life as a control freak or the politically correct term “type A personality” was absolutely full of umm stress and anxiety. It was utterly exhausting trying to control every single thing around me. At times I knew I looked like a crazy woman. Always trying to control my family to do what I wanted. Always wanting my students and athletes to be the best EVEN if it meant not giving an inch to let them actually have fun (well not my athletes…I made sure they had a good time 🤷🏾‍♀️ call me biased).

I knew changes had to be made and fast. Things were so bad that I couldn’t control my emotions. I could never have the appropriate emotional response to situations. I would laugh when I should have been sad. Instead of expressing my anxiety I would become enraged or just flat out break down. It was so bad I couldn’t even celebrate joyous occasions, always thinking the worst would happen instead of just enjoying the moment.

So here are ways that I began to deal with the control life:

1. I stopped thinking I knew how others would react. The dumbest thing in the world is trying to predict others reactions. You are not them (I had to scream this to myself in the mirror). Everyone is not you and you are not them. How you react to a situation is not the same way someone else will. Stop thinking you can control people’s reactions.

2. Stop making up situations in your head. It’s not reality its your own imagination. If you have a negative way of thinking then chances are EVERY situation you come up with is going to end horribly. For me this is so I wouldn’t get my hopes too high if things didn’t go my way which is utterly ridiculous because nothing has really been a life ending experience. Might not have felt good going through some things but I’m still here.

3. You can’t control people’s feelings about you. I have written a post about not being everybody’s cup of tea and there’s nothing you can do about it. And guess what most times you can’t change it, but it has nothing to do with you. You have to be able to keep on living regardless of the thoughts others have about you.

4. You can only control what you have direct influence over. Your thoughts, your actions, your emotions and your response. That’s it!! You can’t control anything else but this. So why not make sure all of these are filled with positivity, genuineness, truth and love. That’s all you can control.

Once I began living a this truth my life started changing for the better. Do I still have to remind myself of these things….umm yeah. It’s easy to fall back into the same pit falls but I don’t stay in them. I keep moving forward one day at a time.

Life with Him

We did it lol ❤

#lessonslearned: The Great Beginning

Hey kids!!! I kinda of jumped in this series #lessonslearned without really giving a background of why I even started this blog in the first place. So let’s go back down memory lane *cues Back down Memory Lane by Minnie Riperton* (Awwww yeah)

Confessions From A Red Couch was born out of frustration. I was frustrated with life. My job sucked, my relationship was dying, my mental health sucked and it was affecting my physical health. I was having frequent debilitating panic attacks and migraine headaches. I had lost some of my pillars of strength in life. I had just been diagnosed with a blood clot that appeared out of thin air. My hope was gone. My faith was gone. I couldn’t pray….matter of fact I didn’t even know what to pray. I was mad at everyone including God and felt there was no where to turn (depressing right).

So one Saturday night when I was confined to my house (Dr ordered time at home) I figured I would change my surroundings in the house. So I went to my library/front room (I call it the creamsicle room) and sat on my red couch and started writing EVERYTHING I was feeling that would have led me to commit suicide in that room. Every hurt, every pain, every frustration, EVERYTHING. I would cry, write and sleep (this was the cycle for 2 days) and when I finished I finally prayed. I finally opened my mouth and talked to God. I finally let God heal my heart and dry my tears. I finally let go and at the moment of release God presented me with the name “Confessions From the Red Couch”.

Now it still wasn’t easy. I always thought who in the world could want to read my ramblings. Who would actually read this foolishness? No one will be able to relate to me and my own personal pity party. Everytime I would write an entry someone would inbox me saying how my transparency helped them. Someone would always send an email about how they don’t feel alone in their situation.

I never expected this blog to really be anything, just a place to rant, but it helped save my life. God allowed me an outlet for not only me but for others. Am I rich from blogging? Nope. Do I do this for monetary gain? I want to some day, but for now I’m writing for the simple fact that I owe it to God to share my experiences with others. Are things better now than when I first started blogging? Yep, but it’s not perfect, and I’m okay with that. I’ve learned so much about myself and how to maneuver through life a little bit better.

Well….that’s all folks lol I really appreciate those who have stuck with me as a have traversed this thing called life for the past 4 years. Yall have stuck with me through a lot and for that I am thankful. Since the holiday season is upon us I’m only going to post once in November and December. I really need to spend time with my family and loved ones without any distractions. 2019 be ready for a totally revamped blog, a new podcast and some good old “merch” (aka merchandise). I love you guys be safe and keep being amazing ❤

I said yes to my dress all while being bossy lol
My blessings right here…..my hearts ❤
Me and my love…..✊🏾 Forever

#lessonslearned Planning a Wedding Is Not My Jam

Here we are on the cusp of October and I’m tired of trying to plan a wedding. I’m not this girl. I’m not even mentally prepared for this whole ordeal. There’s so many other things I can think of to do with this wedding budget. There are other things I can do with this time!! There are other things I can do besides figure out which flowers I’m going to carry down the aisle(which I’m not carrying btw brooch bouquet). I really don’t care honestly. All of this stress for 30 min….I’d rather plan for the rest of eternity that we are going to spend together. So this post is just a rant about the things I’d rather do besides this….

1. I’d rather elope!! Yep I said it. I rather throw on a dope dress and him look dapper in a suit and it’s just us and a few family members who will stand with us.

2. I don’t have anyone who REALLY knows me to bounce ideas around with. I’m busy, their busy, life is busy. I feel like I’m alone in a sea of tasks and I can’t communicate what I want or how I feel. People forget that I haven’t dreamed about this stuff. None of my vision boards, vision statements or anything ever had wedding plans on it. I just never thought this would happen.

3. Why all the hooplah for 30 min? Like for what, I don’t get it.

4. I see why people go to the courthouse and get it out the way.

5. I want to put the money we are saving for this small wedding

into something else; eliminating debt, down payment on a bigger house, a dream trip. You know something for us.

6. I’m tired of trying to drop weight for this day. I just want to be fluffy and fabulous. I’m 36 and this weight seems to want to stay with me so I think I’m just going to let it stay.

7. I’m tired of thinking about tshirts, charms, matching outfits etc for my nonbridesmaids and non participants of the wedding. Like I already didn’t want a wedding party but I feel bad about not getting things for my nonbridesmaids.

8. I honestly don’t want to try on another wedding dress. I hate them!

9. I should be enjoying this process with the women of my family but they have other things to do and I guess since I’m not making it important they aren’t either. Energy matches energy.

10. I honestly just want to lay in my bed huddled under the covers. My anxiety is at an all time high about this whole thing. I thought I was supposed to be happy doing all this right? But I feel like now I’m doing it more to impress other people who aren’t contributing financially to this whole stupid endeavor.

11. Okay last one….I really can’t involve everyone because everybody likes to interject their vision of their wedding into your’s and I don’t want it.

Maybe I’m just emotional because my uterus is trying to escape my body as I type. Or maybe I’m just done. And even with writing this I still think we should elope. I’m over this process. But whatever I guess whatever will happen is going to happen 🤷🏾‍♀️

Here are some pictures from my horrible experience at a chain bridal store. I hated every minute of it. The dresses I liked didn’t come in my size and the dresses in my size aged me almost 10 years. I go to a smaller bridal boutique next weekend that caters to curvy girls. I’m hoping the experience is better.

received_15170795550597978455035258073886724.jpeg

#lessonslearned You Won’t Be Everybody’s Cup of Tea….

Hey Kids!!! Welcome back to the misadventures and fooleries of Confessions From a Red Couch. I am pleased that you have came back for more tales of life, romance, and the in between. Like I’ve said I plan to share my lessons I have learned throughout life. This post is no different. So well let’s begin shall we…..

#lessonslearned: You will never be everybody’s cup of tea!

Now look…I know myself and my personality and I can tell you this, I am not everyone’s cup of tea. I have been talked about, passed over, thrown away, and looked down upon my whole entire life. I’ve been promoted, demoted, and everything in between but I’m still living and loving. Why do I keep progressing? Honey I learned I’m not for everybody and neither are you.

Now I’m not saying that it’s okay to be a butthole (please don’t), it’s not your job to rub people the wrong way on purpose. It’s not okay to treat people with a nasty attitude. It’s not okay to be the negative Nancy or a sobby Susan (sorry if your name is Nancy or Susan, just well alliteration 🤷🏾‍♀️), your job in life is to be the best you you can be inspite of people’s attitudes toward you. This is what I have learned:

Other people’s perception of you are not who you are in total. Everyone we encounter gets a glimpse of who you are and build upon that. If someone sees you always happy that’s the perception they have of you. If someone always sees you losing it and cussing others out, that’s their perception of you. The small windows of prescription that we allow people to see are how people then perceive us. People who saw me as JUST a track coach have a different perception of me as a Science teacher. Do I try to correct their perceptions… nope. Why? It’s what they believe and until they see me in any other capacity then what’s the point. Their perceptions don’t change who I am or who you are.

People have a right to not accept you for who you are, but as long as you’re not being oppressed you keep moving foward. Look I know we as a society are trying to push that we are all special, but if we are all special… then who is truly special? Yes we all have purpose, we all have things that only we can accomplish but are we God’s only gift to the world? Nope. Do people HAVE to treat you like your ish has never stank? Absolute not. The only thing people honestly have to do is treat you with respect….DAS IT!!!

I say all this to say….you ain’t for everybody and it’s okay. Keep living, loving and being yourself. You will find your tribe and be their cup of tea while being able to spill all the juicy tea honey ❤

Just trying to be freshed faced and not looking 36 😘

Everyone doesn’t love like you….#lessonslearned

Sooooo….. hey kids. I’ve been laboring with writing this past month because I’m trying to be more consistent and make sure I’m offering content that is engaging. In truth, I’m tired lol. Teaching at a new school, starting a really big project at my church, planning a wedding (please tell my girls to stop trying to form a nonexistent wedding party lol) and everything else life has to offer has been exhausting. Adulting is fun and sucks all at the same time lol But anyway…. I digress.

This lesson was extremely hard for me to learn through life, and I’m still learning it. I could never understand the concept of mutual love because I’ve always felt that if I show you how I love you should be able to mirror it. But how many of us have felt this way? I mean it’s really not that hard right….. WRONG. Everyone is different, everyone comes from different backgrounds, and EVERYONE has learned how to love differently.

When I was younger I ALWAYS had issue with relationships with other people: family, loved ones, friends, significant others, because I couldn’t understand why they couldn’t love just like me. I mean by gift and profession I am a teacher, I make it simple: I do, we do, you do. I’ll even draw a diagram, sing a song, build a model, whatever they needed to learn how I love. But this NEVER worked, not even with my family. Why, because while I was trying to teach them how to love me I wasn’t paying attention to how THEY wanted to be loved. So busy screaming and throwing tantrums while yelling “LOVE ME LOVE ME”, that I wasn’t listening to their silent pleas of “but this is how I want you to love me”.

It wasn’t until I was about 29-30 (goodness that seems so long ago….I feel decrepit) when I discovered that everyone had a different way of loving or even showing love. How? Because I hurt some people who really loved me but I was too selfish to accept the way they loved. Like I’ve always said, I AM NOT PERFECT! Nor do I ever pretend to be, but I caused some really bad blood because I was too immature to see that they were doing the absolute best that they could. So after apologizing and accepting myself for the jerk that I could be I started a journey of loving, listening, and observing. Yep…. you have to actually be active in this thing called love.

I needed a change and so I went on a lovely journey. I learned to listen and pay attention to others. I read books on types and ways to love. I stopped forcing people to love me in a way I saw fit and started understanding how and why people loved they way that they loved. It was a hard journey. I had to develope boundaries but it’s been great. My advice to you is to listen and observe. Don’t be selfish and self centered. The world does not revolve around you and neither does the sun rise and set on your behind. Love is a give and take. Just make sure you’re giving and taking is equal. Don’t get out of balance and end up empty. Keep loving, living and listening ❤

Hey 36 ❤

Remix!!!!!

Hey kids!!! After a month hiatus and regrouping I am back!!! Child I have been strategizing and in the kitchen wrist twisting like a stir fry. I have decided to take this thing to a different level because well it’s time to step out on faith and stop being scary (because faith without works makes you frustrated and stressed out). So please know there will be adjustments, hiccups and mess ups but I need you to pray my strength that I keep moving forward ❤

With that being said I’m going to start #lessonslearned. I just think it’s necessary to share the things I and many others have learned in life. Lessons are important to share because sometimes you just need to know that you aren’t alone or you just need guidance. I’m not saying that I’m super amazing at this thing called life but maybe you can learn some things from the many times I’ve bumped my head or just hit it out of the park (which feels like it has been few and far in between).

I’m super excited to be taking this journey and taking this blog more seriously than in the past. I love your comments and I’m totally open to CONSTRUCTIVE feedback. With that being said, I’m going to say this as nice as I possibly can: I’M STILL PETTY DO NOT COME FOR ME.

Live and love your life ❤ New posts coming soon: Everyone Doesn’t Love like You Do

Sometimes you just need to ramble….

Feelings…..all up in my feelings!!! Hey party people 🤗. It’s June, baby we are half way done with this year. It’s crazy to think how much has happened already. New job, fiance, new hairstyle, new attitude…chile I don’t even know what to do with myself (maybe fold up that mountain of laundry from 3 years ago…and that’s a big MAYBE).

This post is just going to be more of a culmination of all my thoughts because well it’s a lot going on in life. I figured I type it out rather than keep everything swirling around in my head, because well that’s the point of the blog.

I am tired of what we call television and entertainment these days. I find myself searching for more sitcoms from the 90s than anything else when I’m flipping through channels (which means I don’t watch much tv). Lately I just think everything is a confusing mess. Reality tv isn’t reality. Television shows are just confusing and full of well foolishness. All music sounds the same, it’s either mumbling, whining or mush mouth voices. I’m bored with it, there’s nothing that touches my soul anymore. I find myself listening to podcast or my audiobooks (thanks Audible app ❤).

What the heck is going on with this nation? I still feel like we are on a global episode of Punked. Like come on!!! Gas prices are crazy high, which means the price of everything else is about to get stupid crazy. “Celebraties” are now politicians who know nothing about politics. We have families being torn apart in detention centers and no one is making a big deal about it. People seem to be sleeping on the fact that we are turning into the very thing we have fought centuries to not become. We are becoming a fascist society and no one seems to think any less about it. I swear I don’t watch the news because I feel like I’m in a nightmare everytime I wake up. And still no one is doing anything about it.

At some point we have to do more about mental health. Kids it’s real and there’s nothing wrong with admitting it. I’ve had to have a therapist to deal with extreme anxiety. Why? Because I got tired of having to pop a Xanax everyday just to get through life. It’s time we get to the root of our issues and not just slap a bandaid over it. There are so many ways to get it without being embarrassed about it. Honestly, we have unlimited access to traumatic situations everyday and you can see it’s starting to take its toll. It’s not a bad thing to find someone and just “talk it out”.

What is this new thing with having or being life coach? Maybe it’s because I blog a lot so this is what comes up in my social media feed but man EVERYBODY has a coaching class that can change your life. Want a money making blog….we have a class for that. Want to write a book….we have a class for that. Want to be popular with the cool kids….we have a class for that. Want to master not giving af about life…hey we have a class for that too. All you have to pay is 756 catrillion dollars and someone can help you be amazing at the life you want to live. Whatever happened to just living and stepping out on faith to see what happens. There is no magic formula to experiencing life other than well experiencing life. I blame us for being a microwave society, always wanting to see results in 5 minutes or less. It takes more than that, but like everyone else we don’t want to do the work. You’re wasting your money!! Stop paying people for a magic pill.

I guess I’m done for the night. Maybe I’ll get a handle on this clean laundry so I can move forward with life (or I’ll probably just burn it all and start fresh and new 🤷🏾‍♀️).

It’s too hot for hair right now ❤