Hey yall hey🤗 first off I want to give an honor to God who is the joy of my life. He’s given me so many opportunities, opened and closed so many doors, been with me through EVERYTHING and I just thank Him for it. Second, I want to thank the ones that have been rolling with me from the beginning, I just recently realized that this is my third year anniversary of my blog and I have had some faithful readers. Thank you from the bottom of my little heart for either reading to be nosey or reading for enjoyment, you have kept the stats rolling.
Umm….okay here we go. This is another touchy blog but I’m just going to do what I do. So my little sister posted a poem by Neon Soul called Soft and Whole, and it made me pause and think about life. I have tried so hard my whole life to not be seen as weak and vulnerable. I have always fought against labels as sweet, soft, open, etc. anything that would make others view me as anything other than strong was a negative.
But I now know I’ve been fighting in vain. No matter how much I try I still realize I’m soft. I still cry at certain parts in movies. I still love to spoil kids when necessary. I still treat my students like they are my top priority because they are my babies. I get happy at wedding proposals. I act like a big kid around my parents (in a good way….. not a spoiled way).My boyfriend makes me feel like a delicate little flower even though I can still bench press 235 lbs and squat well over 300lbs (I swear I have super powers).I’m at a point where I just don’t want to fight against it anymore. I don’t want to carry heavy things if I don’t have to. I don’t want to have to be physically AND mentally string all the time. So call me what you want yeah I’m soft, but please remember I will always bring these hands when needed and necessary.
Hey y’all HEY!!! First I just want to toot my own horn and say YAAAASSSSS!!!! I have officially written three weeks in a row. Child when I set my mind to do something (good or bad) oh I gets it done. Secondly I want to praise God for the fact that I have less than 40 days left of this school year. For some reason this year has tested my will and my to do. From the look of my social media time line, so are the rest of my teacher friends. I don’t know if it’s the way we started the school year off (Harvey…..enough said) or it’s just the fact that it’s time for educational reform (this just might be my way into a doctoral degree……..and that’s a BIG MIGHT!!) but whatever it is I’m so ready for the end of it.
Okay let’s talk about letting the trash of life go. I’m not talking about that ex that did you horribly wrong and you feel like you just need to throw the whole dude away like he was never born (Sis I know the feeling….don’t worry I addressed that in an earlier post). No I’m talking about all the times you messed up and disappointed someone, you missed the mark that someone set for you, you slept with that person, you drank that drink, you did whatever you did knowing that it went against someone else’s idea for your life. Look I know about this all too well because I feel like I am the Queen of the let downs.
Don’t get me wrong when I do right and hit it out the park that ball goes for miles but the same goes for when I mess up……that dang ball goes on for miles (what can I say…..I don’t know how to do things on a small-scale). I’m writing all this to say I let the way I disappointed people in the past shape the steps I have taken in my present and toward my future. I have always felt and others have made me feel as though my mistakes, times I have misspoke, things I have typed, choices that I have made have disqualified me from continuing to accomplish the plan that God has for my life. As I continue to live I understand that all of those things, all of that foolishness, all the missteps are what have shaped me into the 35-year-old I am today.
SO TONIGHT I AM WRITING TO SAY: YEAH I DID ALL THAT AND MORE!!! Judge ya mama. I’m tired of letting people look at me like I’m not worthy enough to fit in the inner circle. I’m tired of people holding mistakes I’ve made ten years ago over my head and making me wear a scarlet A. I may not have turned out like you expected me to but DEAR GOD I’M HERE (thank you Alice Walker for the best quotes of my life). Your approval means nothing to me anymore. Making you proud is no longer on my list of accomplishments. Either you get behind me and support me or you can officially watch this train roll on. Your ideas of me will no longer hold me hostage.
Happy April!!! So after my last blog I have decided to get my life. 35 will not defeat me. So I am going to start taking care of me. Per my last post (yes…please say it like you’re typing someone in an email “per my last email 😑😑”) I am going to be a little more selfish and start focusing on Me and saying yes to Me. I have a plan…. guess I can share it because maybe one of y’all will keep me accountable.
I had to go into my war room (aka my car….. hush your face I pray where I want) this morning and ask God for some help (Nothing will move you more than a dream of you dying…*shutters*). So in my dream last night I died. I literally felt the life leave my body and woke up coughing. It wasn’t the death that scared me more than feeling like I was going to leave this world and no one would notice or care (sorry if this is morbi but…..).Nothing scares me more than dying and not having anything accomplished and no these 3 degrees are not accomplishments to me (and I don’t care what you and ya mama think about it). I felt that in my dream last night. That my hopes and dreams had ended before I could ever get them started….but let me NOT digress. This plan, let’s talk about it.
1. I’m going to read more. My passion for reading has been killed by the distraction of everything. I love reading but as of lately I haven’t been able to read anything except lesson plans and dumb quizzes on facebook. I’m going to start by actually reading Shonda Rhimes Year of Yes. Why this book…. because I forgot how yo say Yes to myself.
2. In May I’m attending a conference called Women Winning at Work, and yes I bought a VIP ticket because I am saying Yes to myself. I really want to be more productive in my career, not only that, I want to be more productive in my endeavers outside my career. I feel this conference will not only push me to achieve better but will light a fire under my feet to get on the good foot (let’s go sugar foot!!!)
3. I am listening to more podcasts and doing my homework. Living in fear of backlash is keeping me from moving forward with something that could be amazing for me. It’s time for me to start pushing myself out in the public eye a little more. I mean yes I’ve done this as an athlete and a coach but I feel that at some point I need to known as this person I am at this minute. I’m not going to be ashamed of mistakes in the past or mistakes in the future, because someone may actually need to hear my story.
4. The book WILL BE DONE BY JUNE. No further explanation needed for that.
Hopefully my few and faithful will continue to push me. HOPEFULLY they haven’t lost faith in me like I have for myself, but if they did I am going to give them something to believe in one more time.
Hey kids… look at me!! I’m trying to be consistent with my writing again, so post 2 for the month of March deserves a big Taaadaaaa!!! Okay I’m pretty sure at this moment I’m forgetting to do something important but I’m writing and so this take precedent at the moment.
I’m stuck on this being 35 thing. I swear most days I feel like everything is on fire and I’m trying to figure out what’s the most important thing to put out first (because it’s honestly too much thought to focus on putting the whole fire out). I am exhausted trying to find the most important things to focus on and with each day I feel as though I’m running out of time.
So what’s most important? What or who do I focus on the most? I don’t know…. so any suggestions would be helpful. Because right now I’m overweight, over stressed, over anxious and over worked. I want to focus on creating this brand but I always feel I’m talking to no one. Like my ideas for Confessions from a Red Couch are so great but life just keeps happening. If I could just focus maybe life would be different but for now I’m going to keep driving myself crazy while everything feels like it’s burning down around me.
This has been the first time I’ve had time to sit and type since the beginning of the year. I had a whole plan to do a re-launch of my blog and book this year and then guess what happened…..LIFE! Life hit me like a ton of bricks at the beginning of this year and I’m so glad that today is a new day. Thank goodness I can start over and return to the plan at hand but until then let’s talk about some things.
Okay in this season I’m learning how to forgive and be forgiven. I’m too old to hold grudges or even think about holding one. I’m at a point where instead cutting everyone off, I need to understand everyone’s actions aren’t done to spite me. I’m realizing that everyone makes mistakes and the mistakes that aren’t detrimental to my health or well being can be forgiven and moved past. I don’t want to be that woman that can’t have healthy relationships with people. I don’t want to be that mean spiteful lady that no one wants to get close to. I just want to love and be loved, without judgement or alterior motives.
I will never be perfect. I’ve tried it and it gets me in more trouble than just being myself. I’m learning how to be more truthful about my faults. I procrastinate, I hate it when things aren’t done my way, I know I’m supposed to see things as black and white but I can’t. Because of all these things I do things that everyone can’t understand. But I do know I’m loyal and I will put everyone else’s needs above mine. It’s who I am. I choose to accept my faults and others. If I know I’m not perfect I can’t expect anyone else to meet some ridiculous standard I have set.
I’m learning to listen to people to hear them and not just to give a response. I want to hear what people are saying now instead of just defending my point. We are so caught up with trying to make sure we say what we need to say that we can’t HEAR what people are trying to communicate. Just a bunch of noise…..that’s all I hear is noise when people talk. I’m tired of noise.
All this to say 35 is forcing me to grow up. I don’t want to participate in childish games anymore. It’s tiring and making me look old and put on stress weight. I just want to live and let live. Love without parameters and enjoy those who want to be enjoyed.
Happy November. I wish I really could write what I am supposed to write but I just can’t seem to do it. All these other pressing matters seem to be on my heart that I need to get out and like usual I write it and post it because maybe I can help save someone else’s life.
Dating Tip #1: Your no means no no matter what or how he/she interprets it. Don’t feel obligated to do anything that goes against who you are.
Okay let me whoosah and breath because this one is about to be a doozy for me (I feel my anxiety so that means I’m doing the right thing). With the recent allegations of sexual harassment and sexual misconduct of public influential people, I feel people still aren’t understanding what “Rape Culture” truly is. I’ve seen men and women that I am close to victim blame women who were raped and would have to sit in silence holding my own secret.
Always thinking maybe I shouldn’t have told him yes. If I wouldn’t have told him yes then his friend never would have…..
Always wondering well maybe if I would have dressed in sweats at practice maybe he would have never noticed me and his friend never would have……
In my mind I knew I only consented to one….not two. I try to rewind and replay the situation: how I could have done things differently when in all actuality it was never me. I consented to one not two.
Constantly second guessing my choices. Second guessing the relationship I was in because I thought no one else would want me. Over achieving to hide the shame of what I thought was my mistake. Lifting weights to get stronger so that it would never happen again (wasn’t even thinking about getting stronger for my sport).If I could have only….but still I only consented to one not two.
See I know some people are going to read this and still say it was my fault. If I would have not been “fast” it would have never happened. If I could have just learned to keep my legs closed that I would have been safe. That my friends is Rape Culture. Instead understanding that my choice was taken away because I consented to one….not two, you blame me and my female characteristics. I am not to be blamed for something that should have never happened.
It took me forever to gain the confidence to move past the past. I couldn’t let one incident define me when it truly did. For a long time I was afraid of my own sexuality. I felt as though it betrayed me. It took a while to look in a mirror and not be disgusted. I still don’t like to be touched. I don’t like men staring at me for too long. I’m always questioning intentions and actions because well…..I was raped.
So this strong woman that you think you see had to be rebuilt after years of mistrust. After years of thinking her loved ones would treat her like she had a scarlet A on her chest I decided to come forward so that others will never think that it’s ever their fault.
Hey guys….. I’ve been MIA and I apologize. I wanted to write something else but this wouldn’t leave me alone so……
I don’t want to be that girl anymore. Yeah she might be skinnier, a little more attractive, a little easier but nah I don’t want to be her. See back then she used to sweat the small stuff. She used to allow what others thought and said about her drive her crazy. So she tried to fit a mold. A mold that she wasn’t ever meant to fit. A mold that no one can ever fit.
That girl was full of anxiety and unsure about her future. She believed many lies that were told to her and that she told herself. She believed that she was unlovable. Something proven to her by people who she thought cared about her. They would provide lip service but could never back it up with action.
So instead of living she just existed. There was no drive, there was no purpose, she was just there. Until one day something inside of her screamed to be released. Someone who she had lost so long ago. She decided to let her free. Free to be whoever she wanted to be. That’s when I found me. I was finally comfortable in my own skin being who I was supposed to be. No more pretending, just living the life I really wanted to live.
Now I understand those experiences have shaped and molded me. I may not be perfect but I can tell you I’m definitely content and happy (and maybe just a little exhausted).
Hey Loves!!! Okay it’s the summer and I’m chilling. I swear I feel so lazy during the summer but when you’re an educator and you deal with other people’s kids during the year….. yeah it’s all the way deserved.
Dating Tip #34568: Never let your pettiness turn to the new person your old significant other is involved with (even if they were cheating…. I know just hear me out). Chances are most of the time the new person has no real clue about what happened in your relationship and if they are happy they really don’t want to know. You can not like your ex and that’s okay but trying to make someone else’s life miserable is honestly not worth the satisfaction you think you’re going to get out of it. And to the person who tried it with me….next time make sure your comment isn’t “anonymous”. I only approve comments on my blog from people with names attached so I can thank them 🤗.
Now let’s talk about choosing to be happy….. no let’s talk about the fight to be happy. Everyday I fight and no one else knows it. I make a conscious effort to put an authentic smile on my face and think positively about the world around me.
I think about all the positive things that are happening right now that I don’t talk about because I don’t want others to put their negative opinion on it. Words have power… death and life live in words. So for me I choose to only stay in conversations that don’t make me angry or anxious no matter who it is.
Look being an educator and a coach is not an easy task. Everyday I either have administration, other coaches, other teachers, or parents telling me how I should do my job, what the kids should be doing, or what they would do differently to get better results. I have to make sure that I get past all of this and be confident in who I am as a professional. I’m not just a coach and I’m not just a teacher. I sacrifice as much of myself as I can daily to make sure children can become the best they can be in a society that beats them down everyday.
Being a woman….. really!!! Don’t get me wrong I love being a woman. I love everything about myself especially being a Black woman. I wake up in the morning and thank God for who I am and how He has made me. But society is hard on us. We have recently seen a the big movement of #blackgirlmagic, but everyone isn’t on this bandwagon. There are still people who give you a hard time just because they can’t stand how wonderful you are. Society wants you to think that we are all like full of drama like the reality TV shows portray. That want us to feel ashamed of our skin being “too light or too dark” and the kink of our hair being unprofessional yet people pay to get bodies like ours. Honestly if you are a woman you are amazing, you are a miracle. Don’t hate on your fellow woman because she’s handling life, applaud her and do the same.
Here’s the biggest one for me…. my relationship. So I am in an actual adult relationship. Yes…me, the one who said she had a wall the size of the Great Wall of China around her heart…yep that would be me. I fight for happiness in this relationship. What I’m saying is this, I fight my demons from past relationships to stay happy in this one. This one is not the same as the last and if this one doesn’t work out it won’t be the same as the next (although there won’t be a next because I’m becoming a nun). I fight daily to not group him in with men my friends have dealt with or men that I meet everyday. I fight daily to give him a chance and not just give up because I’m anxious about the relationship. This one has shown me something different and I appreciate him by being different. Don’t get me wrong it’s a struggle to not try to “help” him because he’s not doing something the way I would do it. It’s hard letting him help me because I’m used to doing things on my own. It’s hard to think that I can form a partnership with someone I can trust when I once had no trust for anyone.
I’m going to continue to fight because I like feeling happy. I like having joy. I used to read bible verses on joy daily because I had so much bitterness I was holding onto. I told myself and God if I let all that stuff go that I wouldn’t pick it back up and I would live life (I seriously don’t think that would involve a real life relationship). So here I am keeping good on my promise to God and myself. It’s a fight but it’s worth it.
Just a small deviation from the usual but here goes….
Who is your God?
My God is one who loves unconditionally
Who doesn’t care about color, denomination, money or sex.
Who is your God?
We speak on one nation under God indivisible
But you and your cohorts serve a god who only cares about your money
Houses set on high
Who is you God?
My God is the one who suffers the children
Gives beauty for ashes
He takes care of the sick
And cares enough to feed the birds of the fields
Who is your God?
Your god seems to only protect you and those who look like you.
Your god cares about protecting your way of life.
Your god would rather make a quick million than to help woman and children.
Your god has no name, it has no purpose.
It is a symbol of your greed and self righteousness.
See God is not a respector of person
He created ways when there is no way
He makes sure the teenage mother completes her education so she doesn’t stay on assistance.
He blesses the terminally ill with the right doctor and now she can enjoy her children.
My God is El SHADDAI
He is the one who comforts me when I watch the news and see someone who looks like me dies in the street
My God is Elohim
He is the one who gave me strength when I wanted give up each and everyday.
My God is the one who loves all, is all and will be all.
My God is, was and is to come.
He is the one who waits quietly while we do our own thing.
Still loving us and protecting us….
He’s the one!!!
A 6 months ago I had a dream that literally was screaming for me to move forward. No matter how much I feel my old issues are resolved they sneak up subconsciously to torment me.
In this dream I am mourning the loss of a relationship and refusing the possibility of a new one. All my exes encircled me and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I was so confused considering I know most probably hate me, but then something caught my eye. Each ex wore a shirt that had a list as to why we could never be together. Insecurity, luster, greed, envy, shame, doubt, weak, angry….all were valid reasons….all reasons why we could never fit the puzzle pieces together. You can never force a round peg into a square hole (yeah I know I reversed it). I could never reduce myself enough to make them feel important enough to be with me.
So I woke up prayed, moved forward, and let go.
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