#lessonslearned: I’m Tired….

Hey yall!! Hope this first full week of May is treating you well. For me….I’m tired. I’m at a point where I want to dig a hole and just go sit in it. At some point people will stop asking me things or expecting me to do things and handle situations that I didn’t create. I honestly have cut down a bunch of obligations (including that big pile of laundry in my living room) because I know for a fact that my anxiety just can’t handle it. Self care is so much of a priority right now for the simple fact of my survival. But here are some things that are giving me joy.

1. The Podcast

I’m having fun developing the podcast. I have enjoyed creating content and presenting it. I’m having trouble marketing and getting it to my audience like I want to. I know I just started, but I gotta keep pushing for the 2, 200, or 2000 that are listening. Yet I’m STILL tired

Looking tired
My sister friend Sunshine and I on the latetest episode

Click here if you want to check it out

2. The BlogConfessions from a red couch podcast logo tired

I love writing, promise I do. I have been giving my readers a clear view of my thoughts for almost 4 years now. Y’all have been with me through heartbreak and triumphs. You’ve been an audience to my innermost thoughts and frustrations.

Writing this has been one the few things in life that has consistently giving me joy. It has helped me chronicle my journey up to this point. Am I going to continue? You damn right I am. Why wouldn’t I? Things get hard, bulls**t is bulls**t, but, this no matter what happens with it, will continue to be my favorite outlet. But guess what I am….TIRED

Check out some of my old post here. I hope you find some thing worth your time.

3. My Friends

My friends are freaking amazing. They support and cheer me on. I think they forget I don’t absolutely fit into one category. Yes, I love to be the friend that twerks and gets the party started. I might just be that petty friend that can make an observation that has everybody cracking up. As of recently I haven’t been that friend, and it’s heartbreaking that I can’t muster enough energy to do it. You have to always check on your friends that are always smiling and joking. Most of the times we are drowning……and just plain old TIRED

Other than that yall…..I’m mf tied. Marriage is hard work, life is hard work, managing my personal self care has been trash. I fight daily just to carve out time for myself. Most days it doesn’t happen because I’m fighting some outside bs that honestly has nothing to do with me. I just want to see that person I was about 3 years ago…..she was happy.

#lessonslearned Planning a Wedding Is Not My Jam

Here we are on the cusp of October and I’m tired of trying to plan a wedding. I’m not this girl. I’m not even mentally prepared for this whole ordeal. There’s so many other things I can think of to do with this wedding budget. There are other things I can do with this time!! There are other things I can do besides figure out which flowers I’m going to carry down the aisle(which I’m not carrying btw brooch bouquet). I really don’t care honestly. All of this stress for 30 min….I’d rather plan for the rest of eternity that we are going to spend together. So this post is just a rant about the things I’d rather do besides this….

1. I’d rather elope!! Yep I said it. I rather throw on a dope dress and him look dapper in a suit and it’s just us and a few family members who will stand with us.

2. I don’t have anyone who REALLY knows me to bounce ideas around with. I’m busy, their busy, life is busy. I feel like I’m alone in a sea of tasks and I can’t communicate what I want or how I feel. People forget that I haven’t dreamed about this stuff. None of my vision boards, vision statements or anything ever had wedding plans on it. I just never thought this would happen.

3. Why all the hooplah for 30 min? Like for what, I don’t get it.

4. I see why people go to the courthouse and get it out the way.

5. I want to put the money we are saving for this small wedding

into something else; eliminating debt, down payment on a bigger house, a dream trip. You know something for us.

6. I’m tired of trying to drop weight for this day. I just want to be fluffy and fabulous. I’m 36 and this weight seems to want to stay with me so I think I’m just going to let it stay.

7. I’m tired of thinking about tshirts, charms, matching outfits etc for my nonbridesmaids and non participants of the wedding. Like I already didn’t want a wedding party but I feel bad about not getting things for my nonbridesmaids.

8. I honestly don’t want to try on another wedding dress. I hate them!

9. I should be enjoying this process with the women of my family but they have other things to do and I guess since I’m not making it important they aren’t either. Energy matches energy.

10. I honestly just want to lay in my bed huddled under the covers. My anxiety is at an all time high about this whole thing. I thought I was supposed to be happy doing all this right? But I feel like now I’m doing it more to impress other people who aren’t contributing financially to this whole stupid endeavor.

11. Okay last one….I really can’t involve everyone because everybody likes to interject their vision of their wedding into your’s and I don’t want it.

Maybe I’m just emotional because my uterus is trying to escape my body as I type. Or maybe I’m just done. And even with writing this I still think we should elope. I’m over this process. But whatever I guess whatever will happen is going to happen 🤷🏾‍♀️

Here are some pictures from my horrible experience at a chain bridal store. I hated every minute of it. The dresses I liked didn’t come in my size and the dresses in my size aged me almost 10 years. I go to a smaller bridal boutique next weekend that caters to curvy girls. I’m hoping the experience is better.

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Still saying yes…. but I still have boundaries

*In my Marvin Sapp voice* Never would have made it…..

Never could have made it to the end of the school year

Lord knows I’m excited to be done honey. I’m over your kids, it’s your turn. Tag you’re it!! Now look I can help you figure out what to do with them during the summer. There are TONS of STEM and coding camps that will help your babies get into the tech field. If your kids are athlete there are plenty of schools that are having summer conditioning/boot camps with morning and afternoon sessions. But as for this teacher…. I’m going to be enjoying my summer doing all the things I want to do and planning a wedding (still in disbelief lol).

So the year of saying yes does not mean I have forgotten my boundaries. I’m saying yes to opportunities that will open up new doors but I’m still saying no to things that will cause my anxiety to go out of control. Simply put I’m saying yes to my boundaries.

“But I thought you said you didn’t have a wall around you’re heart anymore”…. ain’t nobody asked you to ask me that. But let me reply to you’re little funky statement. See the boundaries are not to keep too keep people out of my life, it’s more to protect myself from my own actions. The characteristics that make me great can also be abused.

My heart is big, I will give you what you need, even if it means me going without. See that can be abused, so my boundary is to make sure I have what I need and IF I can afford it then I can give it.

I have a bad habit of being very straight foward, sometimes a little too blunt. Even when I say something in love to others it comes out harsh. So now my boundary is to make sure I think before I speak (and check my facial expressions because Lord knows my face hides nothing).

Oooo here’s another important one: I don’t let people guilt me into saying yes. I have a boundary that protects my time and my mental well being. If I feel like I’m over extending myself, you will definitely get a no from me. Dealing with anxiety and unnecessary stress is not what I do anymore. I will protect my mental well being at all costs.

There are others but I don’t want to bore you with my ramblings. Just know I’m still saying yes but my boundaries are helping me to maintain a good balance.

I’m letting it go Sis….

Hey y’all HEY!!! First I just want to toot my own horn and say YAAAASSSSS!!!! I have officially written three weeks in a row. Child when I set my mind to do something (good or bad) oh I gets it done. Secondly I want to praise God for the fact that I have less than 40 days left of this school year. For some reason this year has tested my will and my to do. From the look of my social media time line, so are the rest of my teacher friends. I don’t know if it’s the way we started the school year off (Harvey…..enough said) or it’s just the fact that it’s time for educational reform (this just might be my way into a doctoral degree……..and that’s a BIG MIGHT!!) but whatever it is I’m so ready for the end of it.

Okay let’s talk about letting the trash of life go. I’m not talking about that ex that did you horribly wrong and you feel like you just need to throw the whole dude away like he was never born (Sis I know the feeling….don’t worry I addressed that in an earlier post). No I’m talking about all the times you messed up and disappointed someone, you missed the mark that someone set for you, you slept with that person, you drank that drink, you did whatever you did knowing that it went against someone else’s idea for your life. Look I know about this all too well because I feel like I am the Queen of the let downs.

Don’t get me wrong when I do right and hit it out the park that ball goes for miles but the same goes for when I mess up……that dang ball goes on for miles (what can I say…..I don’t know how to do things on a small-scale). I’m writing all this to say I let the way I disappointed people in the past shape the steps I have taken in my present and toward my future. I have always felt and others have made me feel as though my mistakes, times I have misspoke, things I have typed, choices that I have made have disqualified me from continuing to accomplish the plan that God has for my life. As I continue to live I understand that all of those things, all of that foolishness, all the missteps are what have shaped me into the 35-year-old I am today.

SO TONIGHT I AM WRITING TO SAY: YEAH I DID ALL THAT AND MORE!!! Judge ya mama. I’m tired of letting people look at me like I’m not worthy enough to fit in the inner circle. I’m tired of people holding mistakes I’ve made ten years ago over my head and making me wear a scarlet A. I may not have turned out like you expected me to but DEAR GOD I’M HERE (thank you Alice Walker for the best quotes of my life). Your approval means nothing to me anymore. Making you proud is no longer on my list of accomplishments. Either you get behind me and support me or you can officially watch this train roll on. Your ideas of me will no longer hold me hostage.

And here I thought I looked like a burnt piece of bacon

What if I could just….

Hey kids… look at me!! I’m trying to be consistent with my writing again, so post 2 for the month of March deserves a big Taaadaaaa!!! Okay I’m pretty sure at this moment I’m forgetting to do something important but I’m writing and so this take precedent at the moment.

I’m stuck on this being 35 thing. I swear most days I feel like everything is on fire and I’m trying to figure out what’s the most important thing to put out first (because it’s honestly too much thought to focus on putting the whole fire out). I am exhausted trying to find the most important things to focus on and with each day I feel as though I’m running out of time.

So what’s most important? What or who do I focus on the most? I don’t know…. so any suggestions would be helpful. Because right now I’m overweight, over stressed, over anxious and over worked. I want to focus on creating this brand but I always feel I’m talking to no one. Like my ideas for Confessions from a Red Couch are so great but life just keeps happening. If I could just focus maybe life would be different but for now I’m going to keep driving myself crazy while everything feels like it’s burning down around me.

That blue though 💋

Braiding chair confessions

This has been the first time I’ve had time to sit and type since the beginning of the year. I had a whole plan to do a re-launch of my blog and book this year and then guess what happened…..LIFE! Life hit me like a ton of bricks at the beginning of this year and I’m so glad that today is a new day. Thank goodness I can start over and return to the plan at hand but until then let’s talk about some things.

Okay in this season I’m learning how to forgive and be forgiven. I’m too old to hold grudges or even think about holding one. I’m at a point where instead cutting everyone off, I need to understand everyone’s actions aren’t done to spite me. I’m realizing that everyone makes mistakes and the mistakes that aren’t detrimental to my health or well being can be forgiven and moved past. I don’t want to be that woman that can’t have healthy relationships with people. I don’t want to be that mean spiteful lady that no one wants to get close to. I just want to love and be loved, without judgement or alterior motives.

I will never be perfect. I’ve tried it and it gets me in more trouble than just being myself. I’m learning how to be more truthful about my faults. I procrastinate, I hate it when things aren’t done my way, I know I’m supposed to see things as black and white but I can’t. Because of all these things I do things that everyone can’t understand. But I do know I’m loyal and I will put everyone else’s needs above mine. It’s who I am. I choose to accept my faults and others. If I know I’m not perfect I can’t expect anyone else to meet some ridiculous standard I have set.

I’m learning to listen to people to hear them and not just to give a response. I want to hear what people are saying now instead of just defending my point. We are so caught up with trying to make sure we say what we need to say that we can’t HEAR what people are trying to communicate. Just a bunch of noise…..that’s all I hear is noise when people talk. I’m tired of noise.

All this to say 35 is forcing me to grow up. I don’t want to participate in childish games anymore. It’s tiring and making me look old and put on stress weight. I just want to live and let live. Love without parameters and enjoy those who want to be enjoyed.

I didn’t want to be her again….

Hey guys….. I’ve been MIA and I apologize. I wanted to write something else but this wouldn’t leave me alone so……

I don’t want to be that girl anymore. Yeah she might be skinnier, a little more attractive, a little easier but nah I don’t want to be her. See back then she used to sweat the small stuff. She used to allow what others thought and said about her drive her crazy. So she tried to fit a mold. A mold that she wasn’t ever meant to fit. A mold that no one can ever fit.

That girl was full of anxiety and unsure about her future. She believed many lies that were told to her and that she told herself. She believed that she was unlovable. Something proven to her by people who she thought cared about her. They would provide lip service but could never back it up with action.

So instead of living she just existed. There was no drive, there was no purpose, she was just there. Until one day something inside of her screamed to be released. Someone who she had lost so long ago. She decided to let her free. Free to be whoever she wanted to be. That’s when I found me. I was finally comfortable in my own skin being who I was supposed to be. No more pretending, just living the life I really wanted to live.

Now I understand those experiences have shaped and molded me. I may not be perfect but I can tell you I’m definitely content and happy (and maybe just a little exhausted).

*I ain’t het no more!!!*

The Friend Zone….. Dun Dun Dunnnnn

Thank God this year is over. What the hell was 2016’s deal? Like seriously…..you couldn’t leave without taking someone close to me huh? You just had to touch everyone in the horrible way that you knew how…..bastard (I’m going to get in trouble when my mom reads this….)

Anyway okay so a lot of people are scared of it,  few embrace, me…..I love it. Yes I’m talking about the friend zone…..dun dun duuuunnnnn. I seriously enjoy being in the friend zone, why?  Because I actually get a chance to know someone. I can be myself without worrying about if I’m impressing that person or not. I don’t understand what the big deal is about the friend zone…(dun dun duuuunnnnn).

I’m lying, I do know why everyone else in the world hates the dreaded friend zone. We get so wrapped up in rushing things that we can’t take a freaking deep breath and smell the freaking roses. Do we not understand faster isn’t better? I know when I rush I tend to forget things. This year I left my whole coaching bag at the school while traveling to the district cross country meet. I was totally unprepared and had to wing it the whole meet.  Do you get what I’m trying to tell you? Stop rushing and be prepared.
I know we want to live life in the moment, I know we want things when we want them but look it’s not helping us at all.

When you bypass the getting to know you phase, when you push past because you want to see what that mouth do, you bypass all the important parts. What makes the other person happy, what is it that you can compromise because you know something is important to them? What is the person’s character like beyond what their “representative” shows? What is that person’s deal breakers? See all this is important before you try to “stick just the tip in”….(I’m really going to get in trouble for this lmbo). Quit being driven by sexual desire and the need to conquer and posses.

The friend zone should be utilized as a tool not a punishment. Here are some pointers:
– Do not bring up sex while in the friend zone
– Do get to know the person beyond a fat ahh, big boobs,a hard chiseled chest, broad shoulder, etc (God knows I love a good set of shoulders…..yum)
– Learn what makes that person tick
– Do find fun activities without the pressure of thinking it’s a real date or it being extremely expensive.
– DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH SOMEONE IN THE FRIEND ZONE!!!!

You can use the friend zone to your advantage. It can help establish a great friendship with someone even if you don’t end up in a relationship. I promise this will probably cut down on the amount of broken people walking around trying to find someone to make them whole. Man just embrace the friend zone……dun dun duuuunnnnn lol

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Honey I’ve always been fabulous lol

Another Mancation

Well let’s do this again…..I did it in 2012 and now it’s time for another one. I need to get my focus back without any distractions. I have a lot of things I need to accomplish in the next three years. The last time I did this I ended up in a relationship at the end. Not this one….the goal is to make sure I gain a new sense of self. I’m starting now and plan on ending in December (family cruise!!!)

Here are the rules:

1. No serious dates.

2. I will not give any of my contact information to anyone new.

3. Those who I have erased and they feel the need to contact me will not be getting a response.

4. Anytime I think about going against the mancation rules I have to do 20 pushups.

5. Those who are able to contact me will be on a 10 minute limit. If they can’t get it out in 10 minutes then the conversation is meaningless.

I hereby promise to stick to these rules, if not I plan on having some very fabulous arms by December and in time for our family cruise.

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Endless Possibilities…….

As I sit in the deck, relaxing, drinking a fun ship special, watching the waves slowly move past the boat (jealous yet lmbo) I realized that in the past 3 years I limited my endless possibilities. You know those things that you tell yourself you can do because you are Superwoman (or She Hulk in my case)? Those goals and challenges that you were so sure you could take on no matter who’s with you. Well I limited myself…. why? Just life: deaths, life, sickness, relationships, friendships, you name it, it has happened to me. Life for the past 3 years has tried to kick my perfectly round and high behind (calling things into existence…. He knows my heart lol), and this year was almost the straw that broke this camel’s back. But I know what I’m shooting for with the rest of this life that I have. I’m going to live by my endless possibilities.

1. I realize I want to be married.  Even though I’m comfortable in my singleness, and I love myself, it would be nice to get married. It took a break up to help me see what I really want. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to get married for the sake of getting married (baby please believe this one is too fine to be desperate), I truly want someone who is as supportive to me as I am to them. I want someone who can make decisions by looking at the bigger picture and not just the uncomfortable situation that’s being faced at that moment. I don’t need need protection (She Hulk status)but it would be nice to be protected. I want stability, hell I can make enough compulsive decisions for the both of us, but I crave some thing that is always sure.

2. I want to make a difference in my community. The great thing about this is my best friend’s and my circle of influence won’t let me ever get distracted from this (thanks Quin!!). With so much going on in the world our kids are getting distracted. Can you blame them? There is no direction, no guidance, no one to point them in the right direction. Never knocking the awesome parents of the world,  but I do believe it takes a village. I love my community, I love how creative we are, how by adding just a tad of our ability can make something a that much better. We have to come together not just when there is injustice but also when things seem like they are status quo. That’s when it’s really needed.

3. Lord….I may kick myself after I write this but…..I WANT KIDS (ughhhhhhhh!!!!) Okay yes I want a mini me or him lol. Not going to go any further with this one (yes I am and I want to be married when it happens).

4. Last but not least,  I am not limited to my thoughts. It happens to everyone we have a shift in life and our thought process shifts to adapt to the new situation. Well I guess 10 days in the hospital and 15 days off work can shift anyone’s thought process. Mine went from reckless abandonment to little Miss Careful Susie. I’ve always had the faith to love life to the fullest, but a blood clot will have you rethink life. Will I die in my sleep? What if they can’t find the cause? How long could I survive if I couldn’t teach or be an educator (it’s my passion)? What if he doesn’t want me anymore? All these what ifs and only about 2 actually happened, and guess what….I survived them! Being careful didn’t change a thing. Being Miss Careful Susie only made my life boring and gray for the past 6 months. That one life changing situation made me understand that I can’t control a thing that happens in life so why not live with limitless, endless possibilities? 20150727_135328 20150727_124826