#Lessonlearned Confessions from the life of a Former Control Freak

Hey kids!!! I’m back from one of the greatest experiences in my life. I married my best friend and gained even more amazing family. Goodness the amount of love I felt on that day was just indescribable. It’s funny that it was only about 3 years ago when I thought I could never feel or would never allow myself to feel the love that I feel every single day now. It took some time, work, and prayer to get me to where I am today. Please believe I am so happy I’m here.

Okay, for all this “growth” let’s talk about where I came from. Not because I want to dwell in the past but I want to remember where I never want to go back to.

My life as a control freak or the politically correct term “type A personality” was absolutely full of umm stress and anxiety. It was utterly exhausting trying to control every single thing around me. At times I knew I looked like a crazy woman. Always trying to control my family to do what I wanted. Always wanting my students and athletes to be the best EVEN if it meant not giving an inch to let them actually have fun (well not my athletes…I made sure they had a good time 🤷🏾‍♀️ call me biased).

I knew changes had to be made and fast. Things were so bad that I couldn’t control my emotions. I could never have the appropriate emotional response to situations. I would laugh when I should have been sad. Instead of expressing my anxiety I would become enraged or just flat out break down. It was so bad I couldn’t even celebrate joyous occasions, always thinking the worst would happen instead of just enjoying the moment.

So here are ways that I began to deal with the control life:

1. I stopped thinking I knew how others would react. The dumbest thing in the world is trying to predict others reactions. You are not them (I had to scream this to myself in the mirror). Everyone is not you and you are not them. How you react to a situation is not the same way someone else will. Stop thinking you can control people’s reactions.

2. Stop making up situations in your head. It’s not reality its your own imagination. If you have a negative way of thinking then chances are EVERY situation you come up with is going to end horribly. For me this is so I wouldn’t get my hopes too high if things didn’t go my way which is utterly ridiculous because nothing has really been a life ending experience. Might not have felt good going through some things but I’m still here.

3. You can’t control people’s feelings about you. I have written a post about not being everybody’s cup of tea and there’s nothing you can do about it. And guess what most times you can’t change it, but it has nothing to do with you. You have to be able to keep on living regardless of the thoughts others have about you.

4. You can only control what you have direct influence over. Your thoughts, your actions, your emotions and your response. That’s it!! You can’t control anything else but this. So why not make sure all of these are filled with positivity, genuineness, truth and love. That’s all you can control.

Once I began living a this truth my life started changing for the better. Do I still have to remind myself of these things….umm yeah. It’s easy to fall back into the same pit falls but I don’t stay in them. I keep moving forward one day at a time.

Life with Him

We did it lol ❤

#lessonslearned Planning a Wedding Is Not My Jam

Here we are on the cusp of October and I’m tired of trying to plan a wedding. I’m not this girl. I’m not even mentally prepared for this whole ordeal. There’s so many other things I can think of to do with this wedding budget. There are other things I can do with this time!! There are other things I can do besides figure out which flowers I’m going to carry down the aisle(which I’m not carrying btw brooch bouquet). I really don’t care honestly. All of this stress for 30 min….I’d rather plan for the rest of eternity that we are going to spend together. So this post is just a rant about the things I’d rather do besides this….

1. I’d rather elope!! Yep I said it. I rather throw on a dope dress and him look dapper in a suit and it’s just us and a few family members who will stand with us.

2. I don’t have anyone who REALLY knows me to bounce ideas around with. I’m busy, their busy, life is busy. I feel like I’m alone in a sea of tasks and I can’t communicate what I want or how I feel. People forget that I haven’t dreamed about this stuff. None of my vision boards, vision statements or anything ever had wedding plans on it. I just never thought this would happen.

3. Why all the hooplah for 30 min? Like for what, I don’t get it.

4. I see why people go to the courthouse and get it out the way.

5. I want to put the money we are saving for this small wedding

into something else; eliminating debt, down payment on a bigger house, a dream trip. You know something for us.

6. I’m tired of trying to drop weight for this day. I just want to be fluffy and fabulous. I’m 36 and this weight seems to want to stay with me so I think I’m just going to let it stay.

7. I’m tired of thinking about tshirts, charms, matching outfits etc for my nonbridesmaids and non participants of the wedding. Like I already didn’t want a wedding party but I feel bad about not getting things for my nonbridesmaids.

8. I honestly don’t want to try on another wedding dress. I hate them!

9. I should be enjoying this process with the women of my family but they have other things to do and I guess since I’m not making it important they aren’t either. Energy matches energy.

10. I honestly just want to lay in my bed huddled under the covers. My anxiety is at an all time high about this whole thing. I thought I was supposed to be happy doing all this right? But I feel like now I’m doing it more to impress other people who aren’t contributing financially to this whole stupid endeavor.

11. Okay last one….I really can’t involve everyone because everybody likes to interject their vision of their wedding into your’s and I don’t want it.

Maybe I’m just emotional because my uterus is trying to escape my body as I type. Or maybe I’m just done. And even with writing this I still think we should elope. I’m over this process. But whatever I guess whatever will happen is going to happen 🤷🏾‍♀️

Here are some pictures from my horrible experience at a chain bridal store. I hated every minute of it. The dresses I liked didn’t come in my size and the dresses in my size aged me almost 10 years. I go to a smaller bridal boutique next weekend that caters to curvy girls. I’m hoping the experience is better.

received_15170795550597978455035258073886724.jpeg

Who sent you…..and we about to plan a what? 😲

Happy May to my peoples!!! We are almost at the halfway mark to the year. 2018 has been amazing!!! Ever since I started saying “yes” this year, new vision, new opportunities and new doors have been opened. I’m just hoping I can last these next 13 days of the school year. I have no clue why but 2017-18 school has been the LONGEST CRAZIEST school year ever. From hurricanes to snow days in the south and oh let us not forget the most wonderful idea of arming teachers (please note the sarcasm in that statement). I don’t know but this year has tested and tried my patience and faith. But with great joy I can say I’ve made it and I pray that the next couple of weeks will be amazing and quiet.

In other news… child I’m engaged!!! My Chocolate man proposed to me on April 28,2018. Yes this man decided to be stuck with the guarded, sarcastic, random, non-traditional, weirdo of which I represent in full force. He did it just how I thought it would happen and gave me the best present ever. He’s the one God sent to heal my heart and I’m so thankful. I still look at him and think “Who sent you? “. Im happy, but there’s one problem…..I have to plan a wedding (dun dun dunnnnnnnn!!!😖).

Okay, so here is when the anxiety sets in, think about it, I’m the woman who doesn’t believe in fairytales. I’m the one who laughs at shows like “Say Yes to the Dress” and banned it from ever being watched in my house. I’m the woman who always thought that IF I ever got married that people would at least have to take a whole week off from work because baby it will be a celebration. The mere thought of me allowing someone that close would have to be an act of God (God got big jokes….Him and Jesus ain’t funny lol).

So here’s a list of things I WILL NOT DO while planning this wedding:

1. I will not let anyone deter me from my wedding vision….. once I get one. Look for everyone that knows me knows that I am not a formal girl. So anything grand filled with pomp amd circumstance is not me. No grandiose, nothing over the top. I just want to share the moment with him and the people who really love me. And like I said earlier we are going to party until the wheels fall off because Lord knows it’s a celebration.

2. I refuse to spend a small fortune on something that is literally only going to last 30 min. Neither am I going to spend ridiculous money on the events leading up to the wedding. See the thing is we have to live after the wedding…. like for real we are going to have to spend the rest of our lives together (no lol like for real hahahah). If you know me and feel the absolute “need” to suggest something, make sure you ask my price range first. I refuse to spend a ridiculous amount of money something that’s literally only going to last 30 min. It’s just not fiscally responsible.

3. I’m not wearing white!!!

4. Do not….I repeat DO NOT get offended to what I may wear or the song I walk down the aisle to. (You have been warned 😇)

Lol most of these are just jokes. If you know my circle yall know some of this will not be happening at all…..or some of it might (because I’m grown and I’ll do what I want). Just please pray that all of this goes well and within a year or so everything will come together ❤