Well, Well, WELL.....

Well well WELL!!! Here I am 3 years later, no longer married (separated and waiting), a mother, still teaching , and just a little more anxiety ridden. I've lost friends that have called me sis, I've gained some that really feel like family. I've almost lost everything but here I am.

I'm a little rusty so please forgive me if when you read this it seems like I'm rambling, but I honestly have to get a bunch of things off my chest.

I tend to deal with a much of grief from losing so much. The loss of people, the loss relationships, the loss of opportunities, and the loss of my old self. I'm exhausted from thinking about it and it hits in waves. The waves wash over me and leave me so numb at times. I didn't think I would enter my 40s life this. This wasn't my plan and truly looking back this couldn't be God's plan for my life. I regret getting married, I think my whole soul knew I shouldn't but I ignored the signs trying to make everyone else happy. I was in a marriage by myself and didn't realize I'd also be a parent by myself. I was a single married woman

My marriage was never really what it was giving. I was doing everything by myself. When I say everything, I mean EVERY FREAKING THING. It was very uneven, not a one but of equal yoke. Honestly, I don't know why I expected it to be, it wasn't from the beginning. I guess I was hoping that things would change with him. I pushed his business, I put in the money, I spent time with my bonus kids, I took kids to tournaments, and found events so they wouldn't just be sitting in the house. I got pregnant because he said he wanted another baby. The whole time I lost myself while he was able to live the life he always wanted to live, married and dating!!

So where does that leave me today….MAD AS HELL and ready to jump back into creating because that made me feel like Janae and not just someone's discarded baby mama.